Want to make the next move, but mixed signals!

[monochrome]

Hi all, thanks in advance for reading this and for any opinions you might share.

 

I've been in relationships in the past, and it's very hard for me to fall for any girl. I kind of got a bit cold and uninterested 5 (I am 26) years ago when my last relationship ended up badly, so I wanted to be single for a while. And so I was. And it was fun and I did a lot of things I've always wanted to do. Surprisingly, during the beginning of this year I started to get sick of being single (literally sick, I missed someone to share my day with, to cuddle with while watching a movie, etc, you know).

 

And when I was getting real sick and tired of my current single situation, and not meeting anyone who I'd click with, I start talking to this girl through a forum, not knowing we actually lived in the same area around a month / two ago, and out of nowhere she invited me for dinner. I took all precautions (you know, public place, etc) and we had an amazing evening together. I felt we clicked, and it was the strongest connection I ever made with anyone in a couple of hours. My interest was peaked.

 

So we went out several times, and my affection for her just keeps growing and growing, and she's everything I've ever looked for in a woman (I'm not saying she's perfect - no one is - just stating this before someone comes saying I'm obsessed or something, it's not the case). And we're going out again next week, for a whole night (concert, dancing, etc), which was actually her idea, and I wanted to build up to that night you know? Start with small gestures on the dates before the big date and during that night, when the moment would feel appropriate I'd try to show her what she meant to me and see where this would go. Problem is, I'm getting some very weird signals from her. When we're together she blatantly shows me she likes me and is interested in me, she accidentally told me she talks about me to her friends (something like "I told my friend I couldn't go out with her because I was going out with my brother, because if I told her I was going out with "that guy I met" she would be mad" - she then realized what she said and blushed a little) and also clears up some of her very busy schedule to be with me. We flirty-touch each other a lot, and I am always a gentleman with her, treat her like a princess, she always tries to be close to me and she's always very interested in what I have to say and asks me a lot of questions and opinions. When I pick her up she shares with me how her day was and asks me how mine was (I feel this is more of a girlfriend-boyfriend conversation, which makes me believe even more that she likes me). I've told her I love being and talking with her, and she replied with the same feelings towards me. And the weird signals? She sometimes cancels on me an hour or two before we go out (she does tell me why, very descriptively, but sometimes she just won't get into much detail and her texts actually feel a bit weird at me - I can't really explain, but I shrug it down because I know she's been under a lot of stress with work), she won't sometimes reply to me, or won't answer the phone and stuff like that.

 

So I have a problem. I overthink/overanalyze stuff. And you can see where my mind wanders to after these things happen, and it demotivates me, even though I try not to let it bring me down. Some of my friends met her, and have been with us on several occasions and say it's obvious that she likes me too (I tend to believe it's easier to see from the "outside"), so this week we were going out for 2 dates, and I was going to start building up to our big "whole-night date" next week but she cancelled on me (this week, not the big date) and told me she was sorry and that she had some problems. I asked her if everything was alright and she said it wasn't but I shouldn't worry and that it was normal (some type of chronic disease, she did not tell me what it was, and I did not force her to of course). Obviously I worried. This was 4 days ago. Next day I sent her a text asking how she was feeling, got no reply. Tried to call her next day, still nothing. She's been online on myspace today and still hasn't replied to my myspace message (we still use myspace lol).

 

I honestly don't know what to do or what's going on. I won't try to call her or send her more messages because I don't want her to feel pressured or annoy her. I know she read my message and she has to have seen my two missed calls. It's just a weird situation, which came out of nowhere and I'm really worried about her. I've thought she could be trying to back away from me for some reason, but nothing really happened to make this a believable option and my friends agree.

 

I'm also afraid that I might be taking too long to make a move and she might think I'm not interested (even if I make it obvious with certain things I do and say to her that are not "just friend" stuff) and trying to move on. Which is annoying because the night she cancelled on me was when I was going to start my move.

 

I really, REALLY like her (I'd go as far as saying I am falling hard for her), I am a weird person in terms of tastes and ideologies and we fit together like a glove, never met someone like her, not even CLOSE, and when I'm with her I feel happy. I've actually NEVER felt so happy in my life. For the first moment I layed my eyes on her and we started talking, I felt like I knew her for years, I felt at home with her. It's weird to explain. I'm not really a nervous person when it comes to relationships, but she makes me nervous because I'm afraid to ruin everything with her if I make a single bad move (again, overthinking, I know) and that's the main reason why I haven't done anything too big yet. I told myself it wouldn't go past the big date night, that night she'll know all my intentions and I want to know where this is going, because if she doesn't share the same feelings as me, I need to start moving on ASAP, or I am in for a world of hurt where I've been to before and don't want to be again anytime soon.

 

Anyone else been in a situation like this? I don't really know what to make of it.

 

Sorry for the long text, it's one of my problems, I tend to write a lot lol. Cheers.

[benkuske]

Yes I have. It sounds simple, but I would talk to her honestly. It doesn't have to be a big deal. You don't have to play games of pulling back or whatever at the point.

 

Just say hey, this is what I've noticed, and I was wondering if there is anything behind it? And tell her "this is where I'm at". Don't come on too strong, of course, but at this point I think it's ok to have honest convos.

 

I had a girl who was pretty flakey on me once but we connected really well. Everyone said "dump her" and "she's seeing other guys" and "you don't want someone that doesn't respect or value your time." All of those things are true, sure... but rather than being macho and telling her she was wasting my time, or just making assumptions, I talked to her.

 

I said "hey, this really bothers me and I'm not sure what to make of it. You cancel on me shortly before stuff, etc. I know stuff happens... but I'm also noticing it's happen more than a few times now. I want to be understanding, but I'm also not ok with that because it really throws off my schedule and makes me feel lame. What's going on with that?"

 

As it turns out, we had a good conversation about it and everything ended up fine, and the relationship was better for it. She legitimately had a hard time with scheduling and her friends gave her crap too. It was a bit of a process but there was an immediate improvement and it got a lot better in time. She was just a bit of a dreamer and free spirit, living with head in the clouds. I loved that about her personality, but everything is a give and a take. With communication and time I saw a genuine effort to the point it didn't bother me anymore, though I had to adjust too and realize that if we said "10am" to spend the day together it might be 11am because she'd stay up way too late reading some 1900s novel or something and needed more sleep.

 

Obviously your situation is different. But the point is communication, on the canceling, on the uncertainty, etc. Communication and honesty solves 90% of most things I have found, even if the end result wasn't what you were hoping for. Again, just don't confess your undying love (yet)... be casual with where you are at and how you want to keep pursuing things. The key is to be (or at least appear) roughly where they are at in interest/commitment level.

[monochrome]

Hey! Thanks! That sounds roughly the same situation to me, and I had some friends give me the same advice "just have an honest chat with her". She just replied to me saying she was sorry for taking so long to reply, and I might be seeing her in 2 days, then I will try and have the honest talk. Because I know she had to clear her schedule for me, but I had to do the same. And when she canceled on me, I had already canceled whatever it was I had to do. Heck, we had tickets for a show last week and I had to turn down a 1 hour job (I'm a freelancer) to be with her. So I think she should know this as well, of course, while keeping her certain that I DO respect that she has a busy schedule and her own problems, and I want to be as understanding as I possibly can.

 

Cheers