Am I obsessed with sex?

[confused9509]

I've been with my girlfriend for about 3 months. We have been sexually active for about the last 3 weeks. Prior to that we would fool around, but no actual intercourse. Ever since we have began having sex, it has dominated my brain. I find it hard to think about anything else. This had not really caused any issues until this weekend. We were out with her friends celebrating her birthday. It was also going to be the first time that she has spent the night by me. (We are both divorced with children, and although we spend alot of time together, we are unable to stay by each other because of the kids) We were both very excited about this. When we got to my place after the party, she was drunk and very tired. I made advances that were rejected, and my first response was being upset. I immediately felt horrible about this and it really stressed me out. This gave her the expression of me being upset with her, which I was not at all. After a long night of me not sleeping well, the same thing happened in the morning. Eventually she decided to leave as I had made her very uncomfortable. I was in a state of panic because I felt I had ruined what had been a wonderful relationship. We talked about it later that day, and I think things are going to be ok, but I am quite sure I have lost some of her trust (rightlfully so).

 

I guess my question is if anyone thinks I have a problem. I knew that niether time was a proper time to make sexual advances, but still did it and then let my emotions show an upset reaction. I was never upset with her, and would never expect anything from her in this way. I feel horrible about the way I made her feel. How can I make sure that I never do this again? This reaction is not a representation of how I feel, but I still react this way....Please help!

[ssgirl1010]

I don't know if I have much to offer in terms of advice that can help but I do think you are being a tad bit too hard on yourself.

 

I will offer you my views from a woman's perspective:

 

We are sexual beings. You are obviously very attracted to your girlfriend and you enjoy the intimacy.

 

You said that you made advances that were "rejected". In your mind, she was "rejecting" you but in hers she was drunk and tired and probably just wanted to sleep in your arms. I think the issue is why did you feel so "rejected"?

 

Do you feel insecure with her for any reason?

 

Do not feel rejected if she doesn't want to have sex b/c she is tired and/or drunk. That is normal. If you were tired and/or drunk, you may not be in the mood either. It doesn't mean that she likes you any less or that she doesn't want to be with you.

 

I think the fact that you have acknowledged this is a big step in the right direction.

 

You talked to her about it and you said that you think things will be okay.

 

Maybe make it up to her by surprising her with something sweet - whatever it is. Doesn't have to be a monetary thing but something that shows that you care about her.

 

Keep calm and carry on!

[confused9509]

Thank you for your response. She has never given me any reason to feel insecure, and at least recently I have not been insecure in our relationship at all. Although I have suffered from insecurity and anxiety in past relationships.

 

I think a big part of my reaction had to do with my marraige. I've been divorced for over 3 years. My ex would quite often give me the cold shoulder and when my current girlfriend got into bed and simple rolled over with her back to me it brought back all those rejected feelings I had during the last severla years of my marraige.

 

I love my girlfriend very much and just felt horrible that I made her feel uncomfortable. Especially after she tells me all the time how comfortable and safe I maker her feel...

[ssgirl1010]

Okay, so there is some rationalization for why you felt rejected when all she wanted to do was go to sleep. I have some anxiety issues too so I hear ya.

 

Most women in relationships, love to talk about their feelings. Would it make you feel better if you could talk to her again about it and explain that you did not mean to upset her in any way and that you will be more understanding the next time that she is tired or drunk or just not in the mood for sex? I think you just need to tell her: I love you so very much and I feel horrible that I made you uncomfortable or upset in any way. I want to make you happy because you make me happy. Even if that means you just want to cuddle or you just want me to hold you while we sleep or nap or rest.

 

If she loves you and cares about you, the way you do for her, she should understand this and appreciate the fact that you are honest, have addressed the issue, have apologized, and then be able to move on.

[confused9509]

I actually did exactly that. After she left, she went home and had some space to think about what happened. She sent me an email explaining her thoughts, to which I replied very much in the way you mentioned. We then talked about it that night, and as I said we are ok.

 

Thank you so much for your comments, but what I am really trying to figure out if I have an issue that needs resolving. I reacted this way to my ex when I was rejected (although I find out later that in that case she was rejecting me not just sex). I don't want to ever do this again to my girlfriend, but am afraid I won't be able to control my reaction. My head is always in the right place, but my emotions over rule on occasion.

[confused9509]

Another thing I could mention is that she was very understanding after we talked. She very much appreciated that I in no way blamed her for anything and took full responsibility. Our relationship has been amazing in this regard. We both have been able to help each other though many things involving bad past relationships and other things. We've been able to talk about everything and neither of us ever judges the other for being honest. We have also been very open about the intimate side of our relationship. I think this too contributed to me being so excited about that night and any night for that matter.

[ssgirl1010]

Well, only a therapist or psychologist or another person qualified can tell you if you have an "issue that needs resolving".

 

If you have issues related to rejection (or abandonment) from your marriage, or from any other previous relationships, or from your childhood, it may be helpful for you to talk to a professional about it to see how you can best manage these feelings when they arise and how you can try to resolve them so that you don't feel rejected when there is no reason to.

 

I used to feel rejected when my ex (of 12 years) was not in the mood to have sex. I realized over time that he wasn't rejecting me and that I had an issue with rejection that I needed to deal with. My issues stem from my childhood and my relationship with my father. I did see someone about it and it helped me to recognize it for what it was.

[ssgirl1010]

Let's say the next time you start to feel rejected, can you take some time to think about what you are feeling before you react?

 

So for example, let's say you are with your girlfriend and you initiate sex or intimacy and she is not in the mood. Do you think you would be able to carry on with your time together without reacting to your feelings of "rejection"? Can you then take 24 hours to think about how you feel, why you feel rejected (it helps if you can write this down) and then decide how you want to deal with your feelings of rejection or anxiety?

[quirky]

I know it might sound simplistic but how about masturbating more often so you don't get crazy for sex?

 

I personally wouldn't have drank too much if this was the first night staying over. But she probably feels secure in the relationship and relaxed that there will be plenty of time for that.

 

ssgirl1010 makes great points.

[confused9509]

I actually have talked with a therapist in the not so distant past about my anxiety, and plan to go back. My girlfriend even said that she would come with me if I thought it would help.

 

I am definetaly going to try and put your advice into practice. My concern is that I will have an impulsive reaction that I am unable to stop. It is just really scary knowing that I see the problem and still might not be able to prevent it from happening again. I could really use an "Easy Button" right now...LOL

[confused9509]

Interesting that you should suggest more masterbation, I was afraid that I maybe did that too much. I definetaly do this enough that I don't think more often is going to help...

[ssgirl1010]

Responding to your post at 7:38 p.m.:

 

Believe me, I know exactly what you mean.

 

Sometimes the anxiety takes over and you can't help but react. You then feel horrible about the reaction - because it was over the top - and then you start feeling guilty, wanting to apologize, and then punish yourself.

 

I have to say that your girlfriend sounds amazing! You also sound like a caring and wonderful boyfriend. The two of you are very happy and you are both lucky for having found one another. Take comfort in that. Enjoy your time with her. Go back to your therapist and ask for ways in which you can manage the anxiety and the impulse to react when you feel rejected. But, until you can get down to the root of why you feel "rejected" it will taint your relationship.

 

It definitely helps to talk about and to write about it.

 

Knowledge is power.

 

So, the fact that you know you have this issue is Step 1.

 

Finding ways to deal with it is Step 2.

 

And then, actually dealing with it is Step 3.

[confused9509]

ssgirl, Thanks again for all your responses. It has helped me alot.

 

I wonder if you have any thoughts on the fact that I feel like I am constantly thinking about sex. Is this healthy...I suppose it depends on how I deal with it. I don't want it to sound like I don't enjoy the time I spend with my girlfirend because I do very much, but the idea of how the night will end is always in the back of my head and I hate that. Is this normal??

[ssgirl1010]

I am going to PM you about this ok?

[ssgirl1010]

confused - I sent you a Private Message re: your post at 8:02 p.m.

[Jennifer89]

It sounds normal to me that you would feel a little put off if you were excited about spending the night with her for the first time, plus you have already had sex and it was her birthday, so I think you had every reason to look forward to sex. And at least for me, when I look forward to sex and it doesn't happen, I feel rejected and down about it.

 

The important thing is how you react. I turn over and pout to myself. If your talking down to her, not leaving her body alone, trying to convince her to change her mind and so forth, then yes, you are reacting in a bad way, a you need to work on this because it is a problem.

 

But to answer your question, no, I do not think you are obsessed with sex. I think you have a healthy sex drive and maybe it's a little more active then your girlfriends. Then again I don't know your entire story, so I can't really say.

[ayami]

I know it might sound simplistic but how about masturbating more often so you don't get crazy for sex?

 

I personally wouldn't have drank too much if this was the first night staying over. But she probably feels secure in the relationship and relaxed that there will be plenty of time for that.

 

ssgirl1010 makes great points.

 

I tried that once, the masturbating bit to stop/slow down my sex drive. Back-fired on me as I couldnt last as long having sex for months after...