Where to start

[MsCC]

Ok Im going to pour my heart out here looking for an answer. I know all relationships have their issues and I feel this one has grown towards a more positive direction, yet there are still so many issues. I am wondering is it me, is it him or is it both of us. To give a bit of history my ex was abusive, forced me into an uncomfortable situation by moving me out of my hometown and deceiving me by getting our rental two blocks from his ex wife who he was still sleeping with and stalked us. My current boyfriend I have been with for a year, I am a 26 year old divorcee with a 7 year old daughter. He is a 38 year old never married, with a two year old who he is attentive to, so much to the point if he feels you arent on par with her or her toddler mood swings (he allows rude behavior like kicking, her being destructive, sassiness, etc) Expects you to be the mother figure, not assume the entire role, because if you dont agree with his non punishing parenting style you are gone. Ok to continue his ex belittled him, called him fat, a drunk, a piece of ****, kicked him out any month of the year including winter to live in his truck, put him in her nasty basement with nasty cats and he kept crawling back for six years until they had their happy accident and split up a year later. My ex husband however was respectful and we we much calmer of a couple so I know what a normal relationship is. I have had ONE. To continue he moved me right in when we met I had just lost my job and he began belittling me for that because his ex said I was using him despite being college educated and wanting to pursue more schooling and jobs. Eventually I got tired of that and moved out. Well I ended up taking him back and still he treats me better, some days hes happy and loves me but take for instance today. Hes probably worked 50 hrs this week has his daughter, he takes off with her leaves me doesnt tell me where he is going, but totally expects me to if I am away from him. Let me throw in for the first 6 months of our relationship he was a full fledged alcoholic verbally abusive and sometimes he got physical. Well I got him through that and never judged him I have seen him do a 180, I never ever pick at him because I know hes very insecure because of his upbringing and his ex. But why is it that hes in love talking marriage, very commited, then something such as a wet bath mat or says stuff like my feet stink I mean its crazy stuff!! I dont know if hes bipolar or if he still loves his ex. I mean they were very very volatile, and I can hardly believe he didnt love her if he stayed for six years and hated her that much after their relationship (the opposite of love is indifference) and that thin line between love and hate. Well now they are joking with one another, I see stuff in his email like filthy videos and he has all her pictures still stored on his computer because he says he doesnt have time to delete, he does work 60 hrs or more and has his daughter when hes off, but he said he couldnt see this pictures of her and these other naked women but they were XXX titled, really??? How did you not know what they were and if these women didnt mean anything why hang on to this filth? I give him all the affection he could want, I am forgiving of these incidents, yet it seems hes constantly searching for short comings in my mothering or, my career, or my personality, the only consistent compliment I get is my body or sex and Im beginning to think maybe he just lusts for me .. Or is he BI POLAR?? IDK I just dont know. But I do know today he had to be around his ex to get his daughter and anytime theyve spoken at length or seen each other or his daughter is around he becomes short and mean. Its so unstable, its like when its good its good when its bad its bad. Not to mention before he quit drinking he was in a fight in which I got drug into and he stayed with me unbeknowst to me he had a warrant and a very dangerous group looking for him. I bailed him out of jail, have been there for him, again forgiving. I got hurt because of his anger in which he was verbally assaulting me at that time and even berating my deceased brother. But theres days I feel like hes the only person on my side, since most of my family are unstable mentally, except for my father and addiction is rampant. Its sad I feel alone, maybe thats why I cling to him. I know I love him, but will this end? Will it get better if I stay patient. He makes improvements but Im insecure too ya know Ive had a rough time for a while now with men. Let me add too that I tried to befriend his ex because she is friends with my sister, who told me she would fight me for her. I promptly told her probably not a good idea seeing as how I know I outsize and know shes not a physical person. She has constantly been in his ear saying I am a *****, or a user, or a ****ty influence on their daughter (lets add she drags every man she meets on link removed around their kid, pawns her off during her parenting time to party, you know they type), I dont know why but he trusts this uneducated bar ****** opinion, I dont get it. I really dont she flunked out of college and lucked into a sales job so I know hes materialistic and says he only stayed with her for the home she had. He tells me he really loves me lol because IM BROKE right now ... Shes berated me on websites, talks to my ex husbands wife and they plot together to get on forums and spread devious rumors about me (shes 39 the new wife is 21 I expect it from her age group but really?!) Im dealing with a bunch of crazies, dont get me wrong I have a temper but only when provoked over and over and over and over or when my daughter is in ear shot or hurt by any of this. Even then still patient, some people ask how I remain so patient. Regardless one group of crazies will still be there (ex husbands family and wife) But should I cut my losses, like I said Ive invested some work to get him where he is, hes loyal, hes good looking, and hardworking, and a good dad, he also surprises me with sweet notions and remembers things most men wouldnt. What do I do?

[luminousone]

MsCC, Welcome to ENA! Hope we can help you... In the meantime, could you please put this into paragraphs so that it is easier to read? You will more likely get responses if you are able to do that...

[luminousone]

Just wondering if you have custody of your daughter?

 

It does not sound like you have a healthy loving relationship and you seem to be recognizing that but not wishing to believe that. Please remember that when you continue to be in an emotionally (and sometimes physically) abusive relationship then you are teaching your daughter that is what relationships are...

 

Honor yourself and set limits. If he is verbally abusive to you or sets unreasonable rules but does not show respect for you, then you need to really think about why you are in this relationship. You deserve to be treated with respect. You deserve to be honored loved and cherished. Sure, he may SAY he loves you, but do his actions SHOW his love for you? If he disappears for hours and does not bother to let you know where he is going or whether he is coming back, then honestly I don't think he really cares about you...

 

Don't worry about what the ex says about you. Of course she is concerned about who is around her daughter, as you would have the same concerns about who is around yours as well. Unfortunately she feels the need to attack you but really that has to do with her anger toward her ex, and perhaps some jealousy as well. Just let her be that way and let it go.

 

But - definitely think about why you are staying in this relationship with your bf - it does not sound like either of you are very happy.

[MsCC]

Yes I have joint custody. Shes not aroumd him often, he works a lot and she's a very active child with school and extra curriculars. I know you are right about the respect issue and Ive heard myself asking time and again to be respected. Even his friends tell me that he secretly hates himself, so how can he be capable of loving others? He assures me it has a lot to do with having little time to himself and one day he will be able to pay off his debts and get a job less demanding. I just think if you can't love me when things are tough, that when things are good you don't deserve my love when the situation gets easier. You are very right I guess I just needed a strangers affirmation.

[MsCC]

Yes I have joint custody. Shes not aroumd him often, he works a lot and she's a very active child with school and extra curriculars. I know you are right about the respect issue and Ive heard myself asking time and again to be respected. Even his friends tell me that he secretly hates himself, so how can he be capable of loving others? He assures me it has a lot to do with having little time to himself and one day he will be able to pay off his debts and get a job less demanding. I just think if you can't love me when things are tough, that when things are good you don't deserve my love when the situation gets easier. You are very right I guess I just needed a strangers affirmation.