Should I forgive my girlfriend? HELP.

[usernamethe]

My girlfriend and I met online and were texting literally every day for 10 months before we met, 6 months ago. And every since we met, we've been inseparable and completely in love. She visits every chance she gets, calls me all the time, surprises me, gets me anything I need, spoils me, doesn't let me pay for anything, wants me to move in with her, introduced me to her family, planned a vacation with me, and even bought me a brand new laptop for Christmas just because mine was running slower than usual, etc. She's really great to me, goes to school part-time and works really hard 6 days a week overnight. Recently, though, she lied to me in a way. For the ten months we were texting, she was telling me how much she cared for me and that she believed she was in love with me . I was basically telling her the same after a while because I believe I was (and I was!). I never called her for those 10 months because I was literally always busy (I was in school full-time, living with my roommate who had no idea I was bi, and was working non-stop in the summer) but I always texted. She always got upset I wouldn't call, but I always promised I'd meet her. One day in the summer, I called and we had a 6 hour conversation that was really great. We met up a month later and ever since, we see each other whenever we can, call and text all the time, it's just a good relationship and I know she really is in love with me. However, I asked her the other day about some things, and she admitted that she never told me the truth- while she was texting me for about a month or two out of those ten months, she took another girl on a date and hooked up with her, two or three times. But it broke off cause the girl was moving anyway and also said she didn't really have an interest in her (my gf) anyway. She told me it was because she didn't think I was as serious about her as she was about me at the time, and didn't want to feel stupid. (She always asked for a phone call and I never gave it to her). And her previous relationship was really terrible for her (an online relationship where she never met the girl), her ex harassed her (and me!) for a while afterwards and we ended up going to the police together about it. So I know she only has eyes for me. That's where I need help. I don't know if I should forgive her for never telling me about that, for lying to me about being her "first" (kiss, sexual experience, etc.) She's lied to me about a few other small things too, and gets defensive when I find out but eventually apologizes and admits she's wrong, but ALWAYS tries to bring me in and blame me for why she did whatever she did..but this time I felt really hurt. I asked her several times in person about it too and she always denied ever having anyone else, and just blatantly lied. She says it's because she didn't want to ruin the first relationship she had that she actually really wanted to be in. I told her she was selfish for that. I don't know what to think or whether to believe her or not..and even if I did, everytime that she kisses or holds me now, I feel like I'm just always going to think of her and the other girl in my head. You know? Even though that happened a little under a year ago. How do I get over that and forgive her? And should I? I've literally never lied to her about anything, and I've been really disappointed by her quite a few times. It's always about things she doesn't want me to know about because she thinks it'll make me think differently of her, and she always gives excuses for them, and when I get really, really upset, she apologizes. I know for a fact that there hasn't been anyone else since we started dating officially (when we met). Anyway, this time, I told her I don't trust her and I didn't understand how she could lie to me so easily. She called me over 200 times and left a bunch of voicemails (that kept cutting off) basically saying that she would do anything for me and she knows she doesn't deserve my trust. She says that she did it because she didn't want to ruin things, but would rather be single for a long time if it meant that I would ever forgive her and take her back. She said she needed me in her life, even if it was just as friends, and even if I wanted nothing to do with her, she would be here for me if I ever needed her. (She lives 6 hours away for school, and even drove down to surprise me to see me one weekend when I was sick with a huge teddy bear and my favorite muffins). She cried hysterically through every voicemail and knowing her, and the way she looks at me and all she does for me, I know she loves me. But she has lied too many times for me, and I don't know what to do about it. I don't want to be the naive, foolish girlfriend, you know? For the past few days we've been talking much less because I told her I don't want to be in a relationship with someone I can't trust. However, she texts me with random conversations (I know because she misses me) and reminds me everyday that if I need anything, just to call. Sometimes (like today) she calls me and says she's sorry she can't leave me alone completely, she's heartbroken, isn't motivated to do anything anymore, and feels like she wants to die. I asked her to come down this coming weekend to talk, and she agreed immediately of course, and knowing her, she'll surprise me with something sweet. But I don't want to forgive her so easily anymore. I love her more than anything but I feel like I just don't fully trust her..it's the fact that she's obviously very comfortable lying to me (regardless of what it's about or how long ago it is, it's still lying! If she lies about small things now, I know it'll only get worse) So PLEASE, can anyone please help me? Should I forgive her for all her lies, etc and if so, how do I NOT let her off so easily? If you have ANY questions just please let me know! Need some advice, asap!

[meoww]

Actually, I think you should have broken up with her as soon as you found out. To me, it's not so much about the possibility of future lies, but the ones already told, the fact that she lied, manipulated, mislead you, and misrepresented herself so that she could get a chance in a monogamous relationship with you. If you would have known about the hookups, I don't think you would have dated her in the first place. What she did might have been partly out of insecurity, but it didn't just happen once, it happened quite a few times. I don't think you should blame yourself for not calling her, what she did isnt your fault and has nothing to do with you.

 

You are right to treat this as a red flag, when I look back on my dysfunctional relationships there are similar issues that stand out to me. My opinion is that I should have had the courage to end those relationships at those critical points rather than overlooking a serious character flaw.

 

This is going to sound like weird advice, but it might help to see what she looks like. If she is really gorgeous with an amazing personality, there might be more to the story...

 

But then again, she actually sounds remorseful unlike a lot of people who lie about big, long term mistakes. I really don't know if that means she has changed for the better or if it is worth it to you to forgive.

 

I think it is wise of you to come to terms with your feelings so that you don't end up in a worse situation either way. In any case, it'll be a learning experience so I think you shouldn't worry too much.

[usernamethe]

That's what I believe as well, it's not so much about future lies but the ones she already told and only admitted to when I asked. And I think that if she had told me about the hookup (there was one hookup, but two dates) AT the time it was gonna happen, I think I would've understood. If she had been honest and said, "Look, I really love you a lot and I'm hurt that I still have never gotten to hear your voice, so I think I'm going to move on and try to date someone else for the time being", I would've been fine because I would've understood, and thee would've been no lie at all. And actually, the first time she told me about this was literally the DAY after I first called her. The next morning, she told me she wanted to tell me something, told me she had taken a girl on a date and hooked up with her, and that she was sorry and just didn't want to feel dumb. And that now that I had called and she knew I had real feelings, everything was different. It was recently that I asked about it again, and she admitted that there were two dates, not just one, but within two weeks of the first one. Anyway, I love her. I love her so much, I've NEVER had feelings like this towards anybody else. And I really do want to be with her because I was honestly very happy in our relationship. The only thing that caused serious arguments was her lying about stupid things, and my impatience (because I am very impatient), but I always apologize. But like I said, I don't want to be taken as a fool, but I do want to be with her. She's met my mom and aunts and grandmother, loves my sister, my friends love her, and I wanna be with her! But idk if I'd be stupid to trust her. She already knows DAMN well that if she ever was un-honest with me again, that would be it. Because I've already called it off for now over a lie that's like 8 or 9 months old. So she knows. I don't want to put up a picture? But she's very attractive to me (and all the guy waiters at restaurants we go to, too, they all flirt with her everytime!) and she has a really, REALLY generous and funny personality. She is very remorseful, I've never seen her as upset as she is right now for what she did, not even with her ex. I know when it comes to other points in her personality, she definitely has changed for the better, and I know that since the day we met and started dating, there hasn't been anyone else in her life but me.

I don't know..I'm just confused

[shaynah]

Yes don't ignore the red flags...but I truly know how hard that is to do. I have had a couple longer term relationships that were unhealthy for me and I knew it deep down ...but always rationalized it or explained it somehow. It ate away at me though, until I finally had to do something about it. If you are questioning things and aren't 100 percent convinced then listen to that voice. You can't just make the decision to trust and forgive, you have to feel it. In order to feel it, she has to show you through actions over time. So...you will know what to do, you will either feel it or not, she will prove it or not. Pay attention to your feelings. Also if you're giving her another chance, follow through. If she does it again, it really is over.

[usernamethe]

Thank You so much! I think I have been rationalizing just because I want to be with her. I think that what I really want is to know that she really is sorry for what she did, and if she is and wants to be with me as much as she says, she should have no problem showing it. I told her this today. That I'm willing to forgive her for this, but ONLY if she can show it to me and prove it to me first. I told her that I hope she has some good ideas about how to gain back my trust, and I told her that she will most likely be working for a while to gain it back. She agreed and said she understands. SO that's a good sign. Knowing myself, I will definitely follow through with the standards I put up, but I'm wondering how exactly should I know when I trust her again..if that makes sense? Like in my head there's nothing that says "If she does this, I'll trust her again", you know? I guess I should just wait and see, and eventually or not, it'll be a feeling and I'll just know. And if I don't feel it in a while, I'll have to break it off. Even though it was a really beautiful relationship, I don't want to feel foolish.

[shaynah]

That is a good sign that you told her that and she understands and agrees. I would just carry on having a relationship with her as much as you feel you can when you aren't sure if you forgive her yet. If she is really sorry and really is trust worthy, it should just show through her actions and how she treats you. You will eventually start to feel it. It's one thing to believe what someone says at face value, but another to really feel it in your heart. I know what you mean about trying to figure out what one thing could help you trust her again. That's probably because there won't be one thing that she could do, the only thing will be time. I've had trust issues my whole life and that is the only thing that works for me. People aren't perfect and make mistakes. You have to be able to forgive and move on. Its when it's something that is a pattern that is never going to change like a character flaw, that you have to admit to yourself isn't something you need to live with. You will know,she'll show you, her true colors will come through.

Another thing I would like to say, I think it IS admirable that she did tell you the day after you spoke on the phone the first time. She didn't have to tell you at all, she could have kept it quiet. I think that does show she wants to be honest with you, that honesty is important. She should have told you at the time, I understand, but maybe with the texting she wasn't sure if you were a real person (does that make sense) Not to say that it wasn't wrong, it was a cowardly thing to do to not tell you, but it was brave of her to come clean with you right after you talked. Lying about other small things might be concern, but that is one of the things she will have to show you. She'll have to show you she can be honest and trust worthy.

[usernamethe]

Yes, I think it's a good sign too. She even publicly admitted to her friends that she lied to me about the situation, and showed me the messages between them as well as publicly writing an apologetic Facebook status. Then, she told me she bought me a plane ticket to Florida for my early birthday present, because my recent plans to go had gotten messed up. Of course I don't trust her completely yet, it will take time like you said! When I feel it I'll know. I told her I appreciate what she's doing so far but I don't want her to think that buying me things will gain my affection and trust, because it won't. And that I still think we have a while to go until she can REALLY gain my trust, but that it does mean a lot, everything she's been doing, and that she agrees and understands. She also gave me the passwords to her Facebook account, phone, and Email accounts, saying that I can check them whenever I want to if it makes me feel any better (which it does, should anything come up again) but I want to get to a point where I will never even feel the need to check them. I never did feel the need but I guess it's a part of her gaining my trust to offer anyway. In all, I'm really happy I can continue my relationship with her while still gaining her trust. I feel a lot better now, and I honestly think that she will learn from this experience just as much I will, if not more! Thank You shaynah

[usernamethe]

Also, I do agree that it was really considerate of her to tell me about the incident the morning after I called her! At the time I felt really betrayed and used, but looking back at her side of the story, she must have cared about me and my feelings more than I originally thought if she had the courage to tell me the truth and obviously thought I was worth it and deserved to know. She explained at the time that she waited until we actually talked because she wasn't sure of my feelings for her (she made the argument that if you really cared for someone, you could pick up the phone for two minutes and let them hear your voice.) I can understand that, too; maybe I should've put two minutes aside. But overall, I'm glad things are working to eventually be settled.

[shaynah]

Wow, it really does sound like she is trying to do whatever she can to earn you trust and forgiveness. I think there is a huge difference between text and hearing a real human voice. Not to make excuses for her not being honest, but maybe it just wasn't completely "real" for her until she could hear your voice. Once it became real for her, she had to tell you the full truth.

[usernamethe]

Yes, I think she's trying to do whatever she can, too. And I understand her side of the story a lot more now. I'm excited to see her this weekend so that we can talk about a lot of things and get back to where we were. Wish us luck!

[shaynah]

Has it been awhile since you've seen her? I'll be curious to know how you feel when you do see her. Good luck!