She works at my pub

[Hasek]

I am in my mid 30s and over the last 7 years (after a heartbreaking relationship and realization that I was affected by some events from when I was a younger) I have been working on myself so that I would be happier with myself and lead a healthier and more productive life. I am as content as I have ever been with myself and my direction.

 

About 6 months ago I met a great girl that works at the bar that I go to all of the time to meet up with friends after work or to catch some sporting events. She is the first woman that I have completely opened up to in 7 years. Even as recently as last month she talked to me about being the "love of her life" and spoke of the future without reservations. We both seemed to be on the same page and made many plans for the future. Around the holidays we had a pregnancy scare (neither of us were ready, but were willing) and at the beginning of January she went on birth control. Over the course of the month either she or I was sick, so there wasn't much sex but there was still intimacy between us.

 

We had a weekend planned out of town with some friends the weekend before Valentines Day and on that Sunday she says to me that she needs some space and she thinks we are moving too fast. That night she stays at my place and we have a conversation where she says that she has no sex drive and that she needs to figure things out. That Monday when I got to work, I researched a bit and saw that almost every issue that she had been dealing with matched up with women's testimonials of their experience of side effects from the birth control that she was using, so at lunch I went to her work to let he know that I was concerned about that and she should cease using that anymore. The next day my friends met up at the bar to watch some basketball and she was there and would hardly talk to me. It was very awkward, so on Wednesday I text her saying as much and that we need to clear the air and asked if she had some time to talk. She said she didn't have time but maybe Friday. Thursday I text her saying Happy Valentines Day to no response. Friday I ask if she has time and she says no but to drop the rest of her stuff off on Saturday or Sunday. I ask what is going on and why she won't talk to me. Her response is she will talk with me but she doesn't want to be in a relationship and we can be friends if possible. Saturday night I meet a friend at the bar and she is there and I ask her if I can drop her stuff off on Sunday since I will be in the area to which she agrees. Sunday I text to see what time works, no response. I was helping some people with laptop issues on Monday at the bar and she was just getting off work so I asked her if she had some time to talk. Finally, she agreed to talk.

 

Basically, I told her that I think that the birth control has really affected her and that I hope she went off it. She said she did last week. She doesn't think that it was what made her feel how she felt and thinks that the fact that we aren't together is what is making her feel better now. There is no way to convince her otherwise, but I told her that I still love her and will give her space but if in the future she regrets her decision to not be too prideful or embarrassed to come back to me. I said that I am going to do my best to move on and will not be waiting for her but would not necessarily be against trying again. The whole previous week I was lost, confused, and just needed clarification. I feel like I said what I needed to say and realize that I will not be able to change her mind as I am at the mercy of her figuring it out.

 

Anyway, after that information, my question is: What are your thoughts regarding me going to the bar? This is essentially the local meeting place for a large group of friends and I am not sure everyone will change where they meet up. If you think it is ok, how should I handle interactions with her. Any suggestions are greatly appreciated.

[Solo Pilot]

It's strange how she can go from saying your the love of her life to where she is now. It's also funny that she talks about about the future and claims that you guys are moving to fast. I have a hunch in her opinion you guys were moving to fast and that scared her. The whole pregnancy thing probably didn't help either. I think you should continue going to the bar. Your not the one with the problem. I believe it's all in her head. Now if seeing her is awkward for you and makes you sad then by all means don't go.

 

You should treat her like the rest of your friends that you meet up with. Just be casual and don't make an attempt to spend time with her. On a positive note, if she was indeed scared off by moving too fast with you, maybe she will rethink some things and realize that it was a good relationship to be in and want to start up again just go a little slower. Also one thing to note is what her past is. Her reactions to all of this has something to do with her past relationship(s) and you can take that to the bank!

[daddids]

Almost entirely agree with solo pilot, if it troubles you seeing her every now and then, dont go to that bar as often as you used to.

Me and my mates have a place, a coffeehouse that we hang all the time. I wouldnt stop going to our place just because of a girl, maybe for a short while only.

Act completely normal, but dont try to be friends with her, it will only lead to more pain.

 

The relationship did move a bit fast, so it is very possible that she got scared away. Do not put any pressure on her, maybe she needs some time alone to figure out what she really wants. If what she wants if to be with you she will reach out for you, if not, well like can be hard sometimes i guess.

[Hasek]

I agree, Solo, that it is strange. We did probably move a little fast, and I agree that she is the one with the issue, not me. When I see her, it will definitely be awkward and make me sad, but I can probably fight through that so that I can spend time with my friends. As for her history, she said that she had one relationship with a "good guy" and he broke her heart so she moved on to "bad boys" after that until we met. Maybe that is part of her reaction as well. Good call!

[Hasek]

Thanks daddids, I think that is what will happen. That is a place that I go quite frequently, but I think I may just cut back a bit for a while. I will definitely act normal with everyone else, but keep my interactions with her to a minimum. She does work there, so it will be difficult to completely cut her off, but I will definitely be mature about it and there will be no negative comments or lash outs. Not really how I am built. Thanks for the comment, I really appreciate it!

 

 

Almost entirely agree with solo pilot, if it troubles you seeing her every now and then, dont go to that bar as often as you used to.

Me and my mates have a place, a coffeehouse that we hang all the time. I wouldnt stop going to our place just because of a girl, maybe for a short while only.

Act completely normal, but dont try to be friends with her, it will only lead to more pain.

 

The relationship did move a bit fast, so it is very possible that she got scared away. Do not put any pressure on her, maybe she needs some time alone to figure out what she really wants. If what she wants if to be with you she will reach out for you, if not, well like can be hard sometimes i guess.

[Hasek]

Well, I stopped at the pub last night and she was just ending her shift. I had a drink and was polite with her with very little small talk. It was very difficult to see her and I drank more than I should and got a little emotional (internally and was soon to be externally) so I left. I guess this is going to be a difficult road for a while. I am logically where I need to be, but I am obviously not there emotionally yet. It is hard to change gears from telling this woman everything and seeing her all of the time to seeing her for moments and not being able to say anything of substance to her.