So many emotions

[DaniArizona]

Hello....it's been quite a while since I have been on here but this site has helped me sooo much in the past so I figured I'd use it again today as a sound board for my emotional turmoil.

 

This past year has been ultimately a train wreck. After first dealing with a very devastating break up (which I have finally let go of for the most part), I moved into an apartment with my "best friend". Things were okay at first until I realized that the apartment was nothing more than a flop house and a place to party, which did not help with my ongoing dependency on alcoholic outlets.

My roommate became the most infantile, irresponsible, emotionally disturbed person I had ever met. Going to work for her was optional so I was stuck paying the majority (some months ALL) the bills. I left a pretty stable job for a job based on promises that sounded fantastic but were never met. At this new job I was working 60 hour weeks, no lunch breaks, no smoke breaks, up to 16 hour days with no breaks and a manager that would call me a *****, a *****, and make dead mom jokes to me, knowing my mother was deceased...when I wasn't working with him, I was working with his wife, who was unstable as a person and the worst assistant manager I could have possibly ever worked under, but I needed the money to pay my bills.

I grew quickly into a depth of depression using alcohol, Xanax (not prescribed to me), and sex as a way of coping or at least occupying my mind from dwelling on how upset I was. My roommate grew increasingly unstable and violent towards me....one excuse she used when she flipped out for no reason on me on Christmas Eve was: "I just wanted to get you to punch me". There was never a quiet night at my apartment. I was constantly coming home to a party full of irresponsible and essentially homeless friends of my roommate who she's let stay for extended periods of time. I was too tired to ever voice my concerns and found my room or the bar to be my only source of solitude.

In November I met back up with a former "fling" and we decided to make things serious. My roommate had had a "crush" on him for a few years and in her warped mind, convinced herself that she had had a relationship with him (she never did), which led her to even MORE outbursts. Finally in the last week of last year everything just built up to a boiling point. After an already 12 hour work day with 4 more hours ahead of me, my assistant manager came up to me out of nowhere and accused me of giving her attitude with my eyes and insisting I wanted to fight her...I walked out of my job with no backup plan, called the owner (who knew of my problems with management and had not done anything about it, he was also the one who promised me I'd only be working 40 hour weeks, getting paid a great deal more than he was actually paying me, and would ask me out anytime he saw me) and told him I quit. My last paycheck was able to cover all my half of January's bills, but on New Years Eve, my roommate went COMPLETELY psycho to the point where I actually ended up calling the cops on her and she went to jail for the night for criminal damage (she kicked in my door) and domestic violence. The next day I moved in with my boyfriend, jobless and broke (I was unable to get a refund for the money I paid towards rent and other bills).

So now I live with my boyfriend who is for the most part a nice guy. We do live in the "ghetto", but I typically don't want for anything. I get along well with his 4 year old son. My boyfriend's a hard worker and treats me well, although he suffers slightly from bipolar disorder so his lows don't help my depressed lows and we do argue more than I'd like to admit to but we make up quickly. But I feel alone. I have isolated myself so much in the past two months. I hate going out now. I hate being in social situations. I have yet to find a job...and thanks to a mistake on my part, I had let my roommate borrow my car back in May, she took it upon herself to drive drunk, crashed into another car, and ran, so because of that my license is suspended making it harder to go out and job search...I guess I just feel really alone now, and I feel I don't have much of a purpose since I don't have a job.

Please excuse my rant...I really needed to get my feelings and thoughts into words.

[DaniArizona]

oooh, sorry for the swear words...I forgot that wasn't allowed on this site.