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DaniArizona

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  1. Update: I decided the best thing to do is to be honest with “C”... not about my internal feelings of the interaction, because those feelings are mine and I’m still processing that but I was honest about the interaction. I told him it also made me reevaluate my relationship with him (“C”) and that I am thankful for him and appreciate him. “C” took it really well! Told me he appreciated my honesty and asked me what I intended on doing so after careful debate, I decided to let X know that continuing communication would be inappropriate and block him. I haven’t done it yet. I want to word it carefully and sensitively, which C understood. He said I didn’t have to block X for his sake but I told him it was the right thing to do since X obviously didn’t respect me or my current relationship.
  2. Right?? Well this certainly made it easy to block the guy and move on!
  3. I actually didn’t read my original posts before posting this thread today. I’m at a loss for words. I feel so incredibly silly to have forgotten how dark the actual breakup was and how mean he was during it. The woman I am now, hard working, career driven, and most importantly, sober, would never allow something so awful to overwhelm my entire process of living. I wish I could go back and shake the naive girl who wrote that!
  4. Harsh... and needed. Thank you. I didn’t look at it as emotional cheating but I suppose that’s exactly what it is. I feel really gross now for allowing that.
  5. Wow... this is by far the most eye opening, enlightening and REALEST response I could have ever hoped for. Thank you so much. That just put so many of my jumbled thoughts into actual words... If you ever get into the business of becoming a therapist keep me in mind. Seriously though, thank you.
  6. Several years ago I first came to this site because of a devastating break up. Here is the very first post I’ve made on here: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=397817 Now, almost 10 years later, this ex has come back into my life after years of growth, self reflection and self positivity. I’ve moved on. I’m in what is probably the most healthy relationship I’ve ever been in... but, well, I guess I’ll just copy/ paste what I had posted on a different advice site... of course for a complete history of my complete heart break when X and I first broke up you can view my first post for a clearer picture (not to confuse things but I referred to my ex as “C” in my first post on here. The below refers to him as “X” and my current bf as “C” - for current: I won’t go into the agonizing long story that was me and my ex but long story short, we met when I was 23 and recently out of an abusive relationship. He was 33 and showed me what it was like to be treated with love and respect from an SO. We got engaged. Our relationship moved fast and passionately. Both of us lost a parent in that time, he was still going through the motions of divorce, child visitation, etc and after almost 2 years we broke up very suddenly due to both our faults, outside circumstances and a lot of stress. The day after we broke up he moved back to his home state. We spoke off and on for about 6 months after, but it was toxic for us to do so and we dropped contact for about 5 years. In those 5 years, I never got over him. Every relationship I compared to the one I had with him, ultimately sabotaging any prospect for a fulfilling future with that person. One day, when I was living with my most recent ex (I’ll call R), he sent me a friend request on social media. I accepted. We kept it pleasant with “hi, how are you”’s and kept it basically at that. I felt like at this point I was strong enough to move past my feelings for him and concentrate on the relationship I was in. Ex fiancé (who I will call X) had a girlfriend, which didn’t send me into any sort of crazy fits of jealousy like I thought it would so I figured I really did move on. 3 years ago I got out of the relationship I was in at that time (completely unrelated to X) and soon after met C (current boyfriend). I had never had such strong feelings for another person since X until I met C. C and I are great partners. We tackle issues head on, but sometimes I would notice myself wishing our relationship was as passionate as it was with X. Don’t get me wrong, despite many ups and downs C and I have had, we always work things out, even when we reached what we thought was a point of no return at one point in our relationship - I won’t go into detail, mostly just lack of communication that escalated over time. Over the course of the 5 years X and I have been fb friends, it’s obvious he is just looking to make enough money to pay bills and have fun. Him and the gf eventually broke up, he is still living a lifestyle that would be acceptable for someone in their 20’s, but maybe not a 43 year old father of 3 (although now his kids are adults). Before I got with C, I confided in my best friends that I did believe X and I would end up back together when I was 40 and he was 50 when we were in better places with our lives. I had also confessed this to X during a drunken conversation we had while I was getting over my breakup with R, before meeting C. Last week was my birthday and I went to visit my family in a different state. X messaged me to wish me a happy birthday and to tell my family he said hello. From there, he texted daily to tell me how much he misses me, how much he thinks about me and always had. I told him I am happy in my current relationship and I did not feel that he (X) was in a place in his life that I could consider being relationship potential. He agreed and reminded me that I had said I see us getting together in our next decade of life. He said “I have less then ten years to get my life together and now I have motivation. Maybe I can get it done in 5!” Now let me preface my next sentence by saying that I would never cheat on C. I would never leave C for anyone else. But... the feeling of happiness and warmth I felt from X saying those things a couple of days ago is so strong and I feel so guilty. I’m back home with C now and just going over the conversation with X in my head keeps tearing me apart. Not because I fueled that conversation, but because it made me happy to hear that from “the one that got away”. I thought I was over him but now I’m second guessing. I need advise.... what should I do? I don’t want to block X because he is still someone who was there during one of the hardest times of my life, and someone who showed me that it’s okay to have standards for myself in a relationship. But I also feel like I’m completely disrespecting C by remaining friendly with X.
  7. I miss you....I love it when I hear from you...but bitter after each conversation....I'm not sending your stuff....I'm going to throw it away. You don't deserve my kindness.
  8. Things I want to thank you for: Thank you for my guitar. Thank you for your kind words. Thank you for your gentleness. Thank you for the sensitivity you had at the beginning of our relationship. Thank you for making me realize I deserve to be treated well. Thank you for showing me what I want in a man….the things you possess and the things you don’t. Thank you for your charm. Thank you for your good looks. Thank you for smiling when you wake up with me next to you. Thank you for opening the car door. Making me feel beautiful. No thank you for: The lies. The lack of communication. The fact that you lead me on for a year. Your complete disregard of how your actions would affect me. Your alcoholism. Your hurtful words when you were drunk. Your little ways of using me. Your lack of respect for the hard work I’ve done. Your laziness. Your selfishness. Your greed. Putting me AFTER your bar friends. Putting your kids on the backburner and taking it out on me. For ignoring my phone calls. For leaving me. For not caring anymore.
  9. I miss you....I love you....I need you....I hate you. Why do you keep mind me? Why do I even care? I hate you.......
  10. I'm sending out your stuff today....this is me way of severing you....enclosed will be all the pictures of us....as well as other little "memories"....I can't bring myself to throw them away, so since you seem to be so cool, calculated, and heartless, I'll leave that up to you.
  11. I miss you. I'm sick right now....have the flu....I know if you were here right now you'd.........wait....you'd be at the bar drinking.....I think I hate you.
  12. I miss you more than I could possibly miss another human being....I'm so happy that you are happy with your friends and family but I am feeling utterly alone. I want to scream until you hear me all the way over there and come back. I want to hold you and kiss you just one last time. I want to feel your lips against my forehead and your hands on my back...I miss your touch and your voice and your eyes. The way you always saw right through me...I can't stand being without you knowing I may never move on.
  13. I appreciate you calling me today and being so generous with your time...I understand that your kids come first and yes, building a relationship with them is important...but what I don't understand is how you've been preparing me to deal with being a step mom to three kids this past year, than all of a sudden leaving me in the cold and telling me that the only relationship you can concentrate on is with your kids. I know I'm not at a maturity level as a 35 year old woman with kids...I'm 25 and lack the the responsibilities you do but that doesn't mean I wasn't willing to try. I appreciate you "giving me permission" to move on with my life but I honestly hope you weren't lying when you said when you are ready for a relationship with someone other than your kids, it would be with me...but than again, hmmm....what was this past year? An appetizer of what could potentially be? I truly was a midlife crisis for you, wasn't I....than s**t got too real? Or what? If you are so set on not being with me than why do you care if I have slept with anyone since you been gone? I wasn't lying when I told you I haven't...If you failed to notice you became my everything...I find it hard to find anyone as remotely attractive as you...every other guy out there seems to lack complete sex appeal in comparison to you. I am going out tonight....I am actually going to do my hair and my make up and dress nice for the fist time since you've left...not for anyone else, but myself.... apparently sweat pants sheek does nothing to boost my mood. I see you haven't lost your charm... "I stole your blanket so I had something to remember you by"?! I think that's bull....you're just greedy and wanted to see what you could get away with when taking things of mine...You've already taken my self esteem, my heart, and my complete sense of self worth...isn't that enough? I can't believe what a better mood I got in today after talking to you..I can't believe I let YOU determine how I'm feeling.... I hate you so much and I can't stop loving you at the same time. You are a selfish, greedy child. I want to forget you ever existed....unfortunately your hold on me is too strong.
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