5 months NC.. Still feeling so unhappy

[sarahvalent]

Hi everyone, just hoping for some support. It's been 5 months since I broke up with my ex (first boyfriend who I actually loved). I was basically forced into it, towards the end he was just being mean and putting in no effort and I knew I had to break up for my own self respect.

 

We have had no contact since, he hasn't even tried and neither have I. I still think about it every day though, just about everything... I can't make sense of it and some days are better than others and I think I'm on the up swing, and other days I just feel so terrible. I was unhappy when we were together because apart from right at the beginning, I always felt not good enough - I think he was still into his ex or just wasn't over it so he held back from me, compared us (in which I came up short despite their relationship apparently not being particularly good)... He introduced me to is family but not his friends, never really hugged or kissed me like I wanted. Sometimes we had moments where we connected but after it he would close down again and I think really wasn't ready for a relationship.

 

So considering that I was unhappy from all this, I just find it hard that I am STILL unhappy now. Despite being unhappy with him, I still loved him and I feel a sense of loss anyway. Lately I've been having more positive thoughts about him and just wishing he'd want me back - that maybe I could forgive him for things even though I think he's not what I want in a future husband really.

 

I really don't know - is this love remaining or what? I haven't missed him that much until recently, and then I'm not sure I miss HIM because I'm only missing the good him. I am ok at maintaining no contact, I know it is up to him to contact me (if he ever wanted to) and there is no possibility for it to be the other way round. I find it hard that he hasn't even tried, even for some special events for me. I understand from certain things he could think I don't want him to contact me but really, if he wanted to he would - which basically leads me to the fact that I guess he just never fel that strongly about me. And I guess I find it hard to accept he didn't... When we first broke up I was so sure he must have never felt anything, now I don't know, and if he didn't how could he not? How could I have been of so little value to him?

 

I guess I'm just hoping some of you can tell me what's up. I am feeling really dejected and no matter how I try to build myself up, it's like this lingering feeling of loss that I can't escape. I also thought I would or had stopped loving him, but then it's sort of always there... Just this feeling that I do despite everything and I really don't know why. Especially now all the anger and bitterness has faded, it seems there's just sadness and I guess love left behind.

 

I also wonder if he ever will contact me, I know I can't wait and I deserve better anyway but I do wonder. I had my issues but I treated him well, and despite me coming up short to his ex (apparently), I know I was the better option... She really is a pretty horrible person and anything else is a facade.

 

Can anyone give me some insight on love/relationships/men/me?

 

Thanks in advance xx

[22n32]

Im sorry about ur pain.. I think u did the right thing and ur ex would have to relize what mistake he made..

 

my situation kinda similar.. i am the guy though my ex gf broke up with me because i was moddy, snippy, depressed didnt treat her the way i should.. ive owned up to my faults and have changed them.. and i hope to get a chance with her in few months of NC.. its been 2.5 weeks..so far..

 

intresting to see how the dumpers feels in a situation like this..

 

keep ur head up.. take comfort in knowing u did the right thing and its his loss for not changing and fighting for u

[kic]

I think this is more about you than about him. You're feeling like a loser because the relationship failed, but you're not.

 

link removed

[sarahvalent]

Hi kic, to be honest I read that article and it's not me... A few years ago I felt a bit like that but now I do feel I deserve happiness, and I don't at feel like a failure, which is why I broke up with him. I don't feel a failure because the relationship ended, I understand why I went for it and my own mistakes and I can see that it is quite common for it to happen.

 

The only thing close is that I realised I was seeking validation from him that I was "ok", mostly because of some things that happened in the past. But I realised that since the break up and have been working on having that validation come from myself.

 

It is in spite of this that my feelings are like that/I am unhappy.

[skygreen1111]

Hi Sarahvalent, how long were you two together??

 

everybody is different, but i've found for me personally, however long a relationship lasted, thats how long it takes me to fully recover. I dont think love ever 100% goes away, but with time and patience, you find that life keeps layering more and more experiences over it, until its pretty buried and not that important anymore.

 

I have definitely found myself feeling exactly as you have after 5 months. It took time but I moved on and would never even consider being with them now. Keep focused on the knowledge that you deserve better, and find hobbies or things that you are interested in to distract yourself, and one day you will suddenly find that you are really good at something cool and you dont even care about the ex.

 

The important thing is to be patient with yourself. You will heal, but keep focusing on your life and making yourself better. The longing and emptiness does fade.