Ugh! You've got to be KIDDING me!!!

[dashorror83]

So in case you don't know my story. Just search for any thread I started, it may be easier...but here's an update.

 

I finally just decided to move on 2 weeks ago. I went NC with the ex at that point, but before doing so, I sent her a message telling her that I would leave her be, and in time I hope that I'll heal and get to the point where I just want to be her friend(cause that's what she wanted.) I told her to send me back the engagement ring, and that I'll be alright.

 

I followed through.

 

She never sent me back the ring, but I didn't harp on it, and I didn't contact her even when I got really upset that I wasn't receiving it. I just did my best and took the steps to move on and heal...and I was totally doing just that. I started finding joy in things again. I got excited for my future, even though I figured she wouldn't be a part of it...

 

If you go to the "Healing after breakup/divorce" forum, and find the "Tomorrow I step into uncharted waters" thread, you'll see that I eventually found myself interested in going out on a casual date with this girl I met, there. I got the "it's too soon" advice, and I appreciated it, but I went on that date because I wanted to. Not for any other reason. I just wanted to get to know someone new, and see where things led.

 

Me and the date hit it off, but it was nothing major. I liked her and she liked me, but there was no real romance involved, and we just had a good time in each others company. I felt/feel hopeful. We both don't know what we want, but we both agreed to see more of each other in the future and just see where it leads. I felt a big weight being lifted off my shoulders, and felt good that even if it's not with this girl, that I'll find love again...

 

Well...wouldn't you know it...I walk the date to her car, and start walking to mine, I look at my phone to see if anyone called/texted me...and sure enough...the ex texted me WHILE I was on the date. "I'll be in Pittsburgh next weekend. Do you think we could grab coffee?".

 

I actually felt alright with this though, and didn't jump to conclusions. I felt "she probably just wants to see how each other is doing. I'm fine with this. We don't live in the same city, and she probably just wants a casual interaction because she does want to be my friend." So...I texted her back and told her that would be great, but it had to be Saturday morning, cause I had plans Saturday night (I do...with the date.). She said that would be fine..and we left it at that.

 

Yesterday, she wasn't even on my mind. I actually was texting with the girl I went on the date with all day, and I didn't once think about the ex...then she texted me again about a random event that's coming up that she thought I'd be interested in. I thanked her for letting me know about it...and I just proceeded on with my day.

 

Today, me and the girl I went on a date with, made arrangements to go get a drink after work. RIGHT AFTER we make these arrangements, I get ANOTHER text from my ex saying "Hey, can we Skype for a bit tonight?". I send a message back telling her: "Um...yeah...but it's going to have to be a little later, like around 10ish." She replies about an hour later: "Nevermind. I'll just say my peace when I come up this weekend and give you back the ring then." ...Now I start to get a little fishy of what her intentions are...I reply: "Ookaaay. are we cool?" to which she replies: "I don't know. I'm don't know if I can do this. I'm glad you're healed and are happy. I'll just return your ring to you on Saturday, then I'll leave you alone."

At this point, I am beyond frustrated...the emotions I have towards her have died down quite a bit, but I still love her. I'm open to reconciliation, but I'm not playing games...I'm NOT! There has not been ANYTHING said to her about me going out with this girl. The only way she could possibly know about it is if she's been snooping around on my facebook...and by snooping around on it, I mean, she LOGGED IN to my account...she has me blocked and vice versa...but she still knows what my password is, cause I really didn't think I'd have to worry about that.

 

Anyway...I don't know if I should have done it, but I texted her back this response...

"(her name) do you know how much I love you? I'm Healing..I'm not hurting...but I do love you. I'm doing what you deemed necessary, I'm moving on, and I'm okay with that. I would LOVE for you to reconcile and for us to start fresh, but I've had to let go of that want, because that is what you said I had to do to have you in my life in the future. You can't be like this. Return the ring, you can drop it off at my house and put it in my mailbox. That's fine...but if you're having second thoughts about this, and you want to try to possibly work things out between us, then come up...we can have a cup of coffee, and we can talk about this."

 

She said that is what she wants to do.

 

Saturday is going to be weird...I love her with all my heart. I know that if she is playing these games, she's not doing it intentionally...but right now, I can honestly say...I don't know if I want her back...I want to talk to her...and maybe try to figure this out, and continue to work on what we've built for the past 5 years...but it's going to take a lot of work on both of our parts, and after this breakup, I'm just not sure if SHE is willing to put in the work on herself that she needs to do.

 

Ugh! What a mess.

[MikNomis]

You did the right thing. You stopped the ambiguity and games dead in its tracks. You have made the situation so no one's time gets wasted and that's a good thing.

[maron]

being honest is the way to go. you handled yourself well. the truth doesn't come easy. bravo, bravo!

[chickydoodle]

Dont make it too easy for her......

[dashorror83]

Oh, trust me, I'm not going to make it easy for her...but not in the way that I'm gonna play games...

cause the truth is, I'm not IN love with her anymore, these past few months she has shown me a cold side to her that I never thought was there...not because of breaking up with me, but because of ways she acted and things she's said during the breakup. I know a lot of them were for her to have control...but I also think a lot of them were to make me hurt.

 

However, I do love her. I care about her deeply, and I would want to reconcile and fall in love with each other again...but ONLY if she agrees to both of us getting the help we legitimately need. She has said to me that the biggest contributing factor to her decision to break up with me was that she was tired of the pressure put upon her by her parents and friends to break up with me. Not because of my neediness or the controlling behavior I had in the past (which is the things that I need/have been seeking help with...and I know this) but because of my social and financial status, and education...which, I believe, if you love somebody, these should not be a factor.

 

What is funny though, is even though I don't believe those things should be a factor, I have turned my life around in the past couple months. Not only have I sought help for the things I know SHOULD change about my behaviors, but I also started back in school, and I got a new job that will be paying me double what I make now...

 

but regardless, if you love somebody, I believe, you try as hard as you can to make it work, which is why I'm going to give her the option of reconciliation. I know that I could fall in love with her again if she stops letting her parents and friends influence her life with me. They all know I'm a good guy. They just have been living in the top 1% of the country for so long, that they really don't think a couple can work unless they're wealthy(which is funny in itself, considering ALL her wealthy friends are single, and her parents are struggling to make their marriage work.)

 

So we'll see what comes of Saturday. I'm not gonna stop her from walking out the door, but I am going to let her know that this is her LAST chance. If she doesn't want to reconcile, then, whatever, I'll move on...and if she can't handle being friends with me right now either, then she's gonna lose me that way too. She broke up with me, other than her having feelings for me beyond that, there is no reason for her to get upset with me over the fact that I've moved on, and express her feelings of being upset. She started going out on dates a week after our breakup, and even though I still wanted her back and expressed it, I never begrudged her for that...and it never bothered me the way it seems to be bothering her.