Am going crazy. Help me

[prathamrai2013]

I have been facing a difficulty and need your valuable help. I am male 26 in India. I am in a relationship since 7 years with a gal who also was my college-mate. All these years we had a wonderful time together. Last week I discovered that she used to chat with strangers on the net in 2007. While I casually asked her about the same, the conversation went to many areas, wherein she told me that 7 years back just when I had proposed to her, there was another guy who loved her and who was telling her all wrong about me. She had told this to me at the start of the relationship itself. But now she told me the whole truth. That he was telling her things about me which put me in bad light. I being very busy then, did not devote time for her. She told me that the guy proposed her many times and once he pushed her at the wall in the staircase and came close to her and proposed to her again. She went away after a while and later she kept in touch with him as a friend. But she confessed to me that she got the confusion that whether that guy was right for her and whether I was wrong. Whether he truly loved her and she also confessed that she was attracted to him. But soon she discovered that he was lying things about me and she broke the friendship with him and never talked to him again. When I asked her that why didnt she tell me this before and kept this a secret so long. She told me that she didnt want to lose me anytime. She also told me that after that thing never she broke the trust in our relationship. I am getting sleepless nights and depressed days thinking that when I gave total commitment to this relationship, she developed an attraction towards another guy and that too in the early part of our relationship (so called honeymoon period). Her confession came out of force and not voluntarily. She said that she loves me and will keep loving me always and that I should forgive her. I feel cheated and backstabbed. It may seem a small issue to some of you, but for someone like me who believes in true love and is conservative, this is a big matter. Need your help. I also need to know what would you'll do if you were in my shoes. I also want to know was she right in her actions and her ways ? Please help

[LikeWater]

You have to do whatever YOU feel is right in this situation. Could you forgive her? If you did, would you be able to go on and have a happy, loving relationship with her, or would the trust be totally absent? Would you always be suspicious of her and unable to take her at her word? You have to think about these kinds of things and do what's right for yourself.

 

As for me, I do believe in second chances. Not in all circumstances (for example, if someone physically cheats on me and has sex with another, I cannot forgive that) but in a lot cases, I try to give the benefit of the doubt. I'm not sure if this is a case where I would be able to give a second chance, because you only know what she's told you, and you had force it out of her. It's not like she was writhing with guilt and had to tell you herself. You had to pull out every little detail from her. Not a good sign, IMO.

 

It's also a bad sign, to me, that she developed an attraction to someone else so early in your relationship and was really considering acting on them. Being attracted to others while in a relationship is normal; acting on that attraction and even talking about your boyfriend with this third party is not.

 

It really all comes down to whether you think you'll be able to trust her again. Do you believe she's truly sorry and that she would never even consider doing something like this again? If not, don't stay in the relationship, because you'll just end up more miserable than you already are.

[dion333]

well she hid it from you. That's not right. sounds like she does really like you, so was genuinely scared to loose you. She went to someone else and was vulnerable because the lack of attention. I feel this is a genuine forgive and forget situation.

[HangingOn82]

I think I would forgive this one. She didn't physically cheat on you. Plus she told you SOMETHING about the incident before. Some people keep secrets from their partners and take pride in the fact that they don't get caught. I honestly believe that this woman loves you and was scared to lose you. Should you be mad? Absolutely. Don't leave her though. This one can be fixed. Just let her know that she broke your trust and it may take a long time to get it back. The two of you need to agree to tell each other the truth no matter how painful it may be. I have a feeling she will be open to this.