advice about bpd and boyfriend

[turquoisesky]

Hi all, I came here looking for some advice. I have borderline personality disorder, and I've been really rough on my bf because of it. It got so bad that he ended up in a hospital for a suicide attempt. I feel so bad for driving him to that, hurting him with every "episode" that I have. I hate how I get so apathetic about his feelings, how I don't care that he'd kill himself... I hate not being able to "fix" myself, because where I live there aren't many options for treatment for bpd. I've looked for online worksheets and books, but without actual therapy it isn't sticking with me. I've managed to stop these "episodes" once or twice, but not always.

What I'd like to know is if it would be better for him if we broke up, or if I should stay with him and work harder on getting help. Any thoughts on it?

[Moontiger]

Are you in therapy?

[Ayanokōji]

I think you need a bf who is stronger than he, someone who is able to take your episodic attacks and swallow them whole.

You are not responsible for him wanting to commit suicide, he has a choice to stay with you and you didn't force him into anything. From what I understand regarding bpd, there is nothing you can do besides take medication to reduce the amount of episodes/depression and these medicine are highly expensive and contain side effects.

In the end your case is just a tragedy and going your separate ways seem like the best answer.

[turquoisesky]

I'm going to a weekly counselling thing, but it isn't the type of therapy that I need. There is no one where I live that offers dbt therapy, I'd have to move to a larger city to find a psychiatrist that does it.

[turquoisesky]

He has said before that staying with me was his choice, that I have no say in it. He's also said that I owe him too much from all that he's given me for me to leave him. He has his own problems, namely major depression. He's on medication and therapy for that though. Thank you for your advice, I do feel that he's better off with a healthy gf, but because of my low self esteem I've always felt that way and I've told him that. He deserves someone who can take care of him, who can be "normal" and sane for him, not destroy him.

[Ayanokōji]

He's also said that I owe him too much from all that he's given me for me to leave him.

 

That is one way to look at it but I don't think it is the right way, some people see relationships as if the more they invest in it the harder it is to pull out since you will never get back your investments. I think he might be blinded by that way of thinking as he considers the amount of time, energy and money spent in this relationship with you as a huge investment which he doesn't want to loose.

 

Of course that goes both ways, you yourself have probably put a lot of time, energy and money into too but the problem here is that he doesn't seem happy with you. I say this in consideration of the comment "It got so bad that he ended up in a hospital for a suicide attempt. I feel so bad for driving him to that, hurting him with every "episode" that I have." made in the opening post.

 

I think you should sit him down and really ask him if hes happy being with you, don't let him off with a simple yes, really push the question and also tell him that he should really consider his own well being before committing to someone which he can't handle.

 

As to how you are apathetic of his feelings, AFAIK during an episodic attack from someone suffering from BPD, the BPD diagnosed person does not actually know what he/she is really doing and is not in control of his/her body anymore which could explain why you can't feel apathetic towards his feelings as during the attacks you aren't really yourself.

[Moonphase]

So.. A guy with depression/suicidal thoughts, and a person who will sometimes lose all empathy and tear into someone ruthlessly or become apathetic or spiteful. This isn't a good combination for a relationship at all. I know he wants to stay with you and all because you "owe him", but...I don't see any hope here

[pl3asehelp]

I'm going to a weekly counselling thing, but it isn't the type of therapy that I need. There is no one where I live that offers dbt therapy, I'd have to move to a larger city to find a psychiatrist that does it.

 

I'd do that then, it's really not fair to others to enter relationships with them and they have to just deal - it will do long term damage tot hem.

[Cheetarah]

DBT is quite effective but certainly not the only type of therapy out there for BPD. DBT's techniques are drawn from CBT(cognitive behavioral therapy), which far more therapists use. And has been shown to be very effective in treating BPD.

[turquoisesky]

I am planning on moving to Texas, but I'm not sure how soon I can since I have to finish stuff with my late father's estate.

[turquoisesky]

Thank you all for your advice. I've been thinking about it, and I've just realized that its better if we break up. I'm pretty sure he found someone else, and I know that he deserves better than me. I can work on my bpd without having to worry about hurting him again, and he can be happy with someone sane.

[turquoisesky]

Thank you all for your good advice. As much as I want this relationship to work out, I'm starting to doubt that it will. We've been going through some rough stuff and since he wants me to move in with him next month, I don't think we'd survive that stress. Right now I'm yo-yoing between leaving him and staying with him...I'm not sure what will happen.