Reconciling but have some issues...

[Seb29]

Hi all, this is my first time here and I'm very nervous. However, I'm super lost and don't know where to turn.

 

“Time Together”

 

I met this girl during summer 2010, let's call her V. I was 20 and she was 15. By the way, I’m from Italy and she’s from Venezuela. That summer i had to leave for Europe, and she was the new friend of my brother and some other of our friends. I met her once before I left for vacation. The first time I saw her, I felt a spark, something that run through my whole body and I felt a huge attraction right away. At the time, I didn't know what it was. We chatted and I thought she was cool. During my Euro trip, I found myself thinking about her, despite having fun with other girls. When I came up, we hanged out more, together with my brother and other friends. I found myself to be the one looking to hang out with her, invite her out with our group and so on. We ended up talking to each other every night on Skype. I tried to not have anything for her, because of the age gap and the troubles. Instead, I found myself to get closer to her.

After a Halloween party, I knew I liked her, and she liked me, too. I've never pursued a girl, usually they pursue me. We hanged out alone 3 times, and I was so nervous, like a little kid, that I was afraid to kiss her. The third time, we finally kissed. It felt amazing, better than any kiss ever. She told me she loved me, I smiled and kissed her. Next day I told her I love her, too. First time a girl told me that, and first time I said it.

The first 2-3 months we had my brother, our friends, and my parents against us, because of our age gap. They finally accepted, expect for my parents, whom I told we broke up, but I was still with her. Our relationship was amazing, her parents and family accepted me and were happy. We loved each other so much, knew we were each other soul mates. I knew I wanted to marry this girl. I've never felt this way before, but I've never be so sure in my life. She was amazing to me. We had the best time of our lives, and were super into each other, super loved each other, and she kept telling me to never leave and she would never leave me.

A problem arose, about me not telling my parents and she being upset because I was "hiding" her from them. Her parents started to not like it that I didn't tell them. She grew so bothered and hurt (personally and the fact that her family were pressuring her about me) that she asked me if I wanted to tell my parents or we should take a break.

I was so dumb that I agreed for the break. I was feeling good that she loved me so much, and thought I would never lose her, as well as being able to get any girl. I had some fun with one girl, and wasn't upset at all, while V was super upset, crying and had an awful month. By then, she was 17 and I was 22. I had a good month, going to LA, going out with friends, having a fling with a girl. Later that month I realized my mistake, how stupid I was and called her one night crying, telling her that I wanted her and I loved her too much. She did the same and a few days later we stopped the break and got back together.

 

“The Break”

 

We were very happy. However, she didn't tell her parents about us back because they were happy that we weren't together, since I never told my parents. So we were hiding our relationship. This meant that we couldn’t hang out the weekends because she didn’t drive, and I couldn’t go pick her up. She mostly came to my house when school started, during her lunch break, and we would mostly get physical. I stopped being romantic, doing romantic gestures, didn’t meet her outside to walk her to my house (her high school is right next to where I live, she’s a senior now). I was very ****ty and took her love for granted, thought she would never leave me, and started complaining many times about stupid things.

 

“The Break-Up”

 

After the beginning of November 2012, she ended up breaking up with me, telling me that she felt like we weren’t working, she lost the spark, she couldn’t love me, everything changed when we took the break, she wanted to be single, didn’t want to commit, wants to enjoy her senior year and college life, she took me back out of pity, she wanted to explore life and meet new people and so on. I knew she just wrote every possible excuse for a break up, but she still loved me. I took it awfully, cried my eyes out, begged her and pleaded her and so on.

For the first time, I knew I might have lost her for good. I knew it was mostly because of me, not her. I’ve never felt so bad in my life. I didn’t eat, sleep, stopped caring about school, cried every day. I found out later on that she was talking and went out with a guy that was pursuing her when we got back together, a year younger than her, son of her manager at Old Navy. When he facebooked her back in summer, she thought he was ugly and annoying, and told me whenever he would contact her. When I found out what happened, it killed me. I wanted to die. They went out and were talking cute like 2 weeks after she brok up with me. We also kissed a couple of times after the break up. She told me that her heart was happy because of the kisses, but her brain was telling her it wasn’t the right thing to do.

I found out that the real reason she broke up was because she felt we were more like friends with benefits, I wasn’t the guy I was, romantic and caring, she couldn’t lie to her parents anymore but was afraid to tell them because she hates to argue and all. I txted and called two of her friends to ask for advices. I talked to my friends and they tried to help me. She ended up txting me a little bit more, acting cute as well. One day she wanted to see me, we hanged out at my house, kissed, hugged, she told me she missed doing all that with me, was super cute, and ended up having sex. That day was supposed to be our second anniversary, and I bought her a French book, cause she’s taking French. Then she went back to be cold, and I found out that she really didn’t feel like nothing changed, and anted to spend that afternoon with me, which made her feel better physically and emotionally. I was upset and felt used. She txted me the same day, that she was happy for that day and no regrets, but the next day she stopped talking to me.

She’s not that kind of girl though. She has amazing values, not a party girl, very mature and serious, didn’t like drinking nor smoking, never cheated, never used anybody. She was a perfect girl, good daughter, sister, friend, student, worker and amazing girlfriend. So I was surprised and disappointed at what she did. I still loved her more and more and couldn’t hate her. During the break up, I also told my parents, and they told me that they kinda knew and would have been fine with it, which made me feel even more stupid and regretful, because if we never had the break and I told my parents, we would still be together.

Anyways, one day she saw my txts to her friend and confronted me. Told me I was very weak, pathetic, to get myself together, move on, that I shouldn’t be jealous if she goes out with someone, that we are both free to do whatever we wanted to and things like that, very bold and straightforward. It was harsh, I told her I wasn’t sorry I opened up, because it was the first time I shared my feelings with people, since I usually bottle them up. She told me why was I so sure that I couldn’t find love again and so on. I ended up telling her that we can’t chose our soul mates, it just happens, and we know. Told her that she was my soulmate, and despite all things, no matter what, I loved her always and forever and ever. She told me she loved me too always and will never forget what we had.

I wanted to just move on, and if it was meant to be, maybe we would be together in the future. I love this girl more than life itself, and I know she’s the one. I just know, my heart knows, my soul knows, my mind knows, my body knows. I love everything about her, and I’ve never been so sure about something in my life. For me, she’s the most beautiful, sexiest, classiest, nicest and most amazing girl in the world. I was always hopeful. In the meanwhile, I was also attending counseling.

That night she txted me and called me, crying, telling me sorry she was so harsh on me, and that she missed me. During the week before my finals, we kinda talked, but I was still trying to be distant. The week of the finals she told me good luck and that she liked to talk about something that bothered her. That Friday I saw her and she talked to me about some family problem, and knew that I was the only one who could understand her and make her smile again. After, she hugged me for a long time and gave me a kisses on my cheek.

I also worked at Old Navy, and for a couple of times, she was acting nice to me, stayed there with me during my break or before she left.

Two nights before Xmas I was working, and saw her in the store, with another guy (her ex from freshman year). She was surprised to see me, and I was shocked. Tried to act cool but, after work, I cried and couldn’t sleep. She ended up txting me and calling me. She txted me the same night telling me that she felt awful, that it didn’t mean anything, it was just hanging out, if he did a move on her she would have been disgusted and now wanted to talk to me. I felt that she was just sorry I caught her. The next day and on xmas we txted a lot, she was acting all cute again and it was nice. She told me what I wanted for xmas (right after the breakup, she told me she wasn’t gonna get me anything, and I shouldn’t have gotten her anything). Next day she seemed a little colder. We ended up hanging out at bowling, with other friends, and she was with her brother. She acted super cold and distant, barely looked at me or talked to me, over acted the part of the happy girl with no worries, faked laughs a lot, and I was grumpy. That night she told me how awkward it was, how she wanted to hold my hand and she acted weird because her bro was there and she was nervous, and apologized. I did too. She told me how other guys are stupid, how I’m much better than them, how I’m more awesome and so on, kept asking me what I wanted for xams and what I got her.

 

“Reconciliation”

 

Next day we hanged out after her shift for an hour before meeting friends. She asked me again what I wanted for xmas, I told her to close her eyes, and I put a ribbon on her, told her to open them, and that she was the only thing I wanted for xmas. She smiled and was shy. She asked me if we could hang out on a hill by my house for a bit. There, she hugged me so much, held me, laid next to me, kissed my cheeks so much. I wanted to kiss her but I decided not to. We hanged out with friends, and we had more fun than the previous night. When I took her home, she ended up kissing me, smiled and went home. Later she txted me that the kiss was what she wanted for her present, and that she wanted me to kiss her actually, and it was the first time she kissed a guy for her own as the “first kiss”. After that,, we talked so much everyday, I went to her house a couple of times, she come to mine a few times, went out a couple of times with friends, we would be holding hands, kiss each other. Sometimes she told me if I wanted her and I said of course, saw her smile truly and told me she was happy. This is January now by the way. I was much better, gave her flowers sometimes, made her lunch and brought it to her school, left cute notes, was not physical, even though we played around. I got her a canvas for her present.

Three weeks ago, on Thursday, she was at my house with two other of my friends, because their parents, who came visit them from Venezuela, made a special soup. I was telling her how I wanted to take her on an actual date, and to hang out Saturday and Sunday. She told me that maybe we were hanging out too much for now and I told her that I understood her. But when she got home earlier (her parents picked her up before she could have soup) she txted me and said sorry, that she didn’t mean that she didn’t wanna see me, that she wishes she could always see me, and that we were taking things slow, no commitment yet, and she was just afraid to rush things in. I agreed to take things slow. Next day she invited me to go eat French pastry with her mom, shopping and that’s it. Later that night I saw her to bring her some soup, and it was all fine. The next day she wasn’t feeling good but she told me that on Sunday she wanted to go to California Adventure with me all day. By the way, she didn’t tell her parents that we were reconnecting, but I did tell mine. It was an amazing day, I gave her a sock monkey, made her a snack. It was all awesome. That night she was even making plans for us on her spring break and summer, and wished that night that we could have be together the whole night.

 

“Issues”

 

On Monday something was wrong. Something happened that upset her, and she didn’t tell me why. Said it was both physical and emotional. The next day she told me that one of the reasons she had many headaches and felt stressed was that she wasn’t telling her parents about us, and I didn’t know why. But I didn’t wanna push her like I used to. She said how she wanted to just go away somewhere new and start fresh. So i thought that it was either family problems or a guy she did something with during our breakup came back to haunt her.

On Wednesday she comes to my house for 40 min and we have fun and back to be cute again. The next day she came to my house again and we were having lots of fun. In the last 10 min, things got steamy and she ended up asking me to do it and that if I didn’t have a condom, we could have do it without. I got freaked out and told her I rather not do it now, because I didn’t feel it was right. I didn’t want it to just be physical, but have some emotions to it, that we both might regret it since we are taking things slow and have been hanging out for just one month. I told her I wanted to wait until another day when we have more time and I could make it more romantic. She got very mad, and after she went home, I tried to cheer her up, but she told me not to talk to her. At night she wished me goodnight and said sorry for her behavior, but I knew she was still mad.

On Saturday it was clear she was mad, and told me that she felt very angry because she exposed herself to me and I ignored her. But she didn’t know why she had so much rage because after all “we aren’t anything”. She didn’t know where she was standing and what to think or do. I was hurt by the last things she said and didn’t wanna add drama and told her I’ll leave her alone that night. That night I went to her house to talk to her, after she txted me, and we ended up cooking something with her bro and his gf, and didn’t have privacy to talk to her. We had fun tho. On Sunday we videochat while she was studying. Because the following week (last week) she had finals. I asked her if she wanted to hang out on Thursday, and she said she was gonna be busy. Same thing on Friday. I asked her about Saturday or Sunday and she said she didn’t know and she would let me know. I asked her if she anted to see me at all and she said “Sure why not” which made me upset. I then called her and talked to her about Thursday, telling her I didn’t know why she was mad, since I tried to be a gentleman and be romantic and not be just physical, which was a reason she broke up with me. She said that she just wanted to do it (she was never like that) and I was acting like a bf, but we weren’t a couple. I told her I knew, we are just dating and taking things slow, and she said not really. I asked her what were we then, and she couldn’t answer. She said she rather txt, and then txted me that she thought “we were just chilling and having fun, enjoying each other because we had such a huge attraction both physically and emotionally. and she didn’t wanna hang out with me too much because she didn’t wanna lead me on. She told me she knew what I meant to her (she means the whole world to me, and I love her to death and know shes the one). Later she asked me if I was sad, and tried to cheer me up, which kind of pissed me off. As I wasn’t on Facebook anymore and knew her password, I found out she was talking to another ex bf from freshman year that was a douchebag to her, and she wanted to hang out with him, even go smoke hookah (she hates smoking), she told him she was available either Friday or Saturday night, was ok with him giving her a ride, even wanted to watch a movie, talked about their break up (the guy still likes her) and were making freaking plans, after I asked her out already. I was pissed off out of my mind.

The next night we video chat and it was good, for 5 hours, while she was studying, and acted cute toward each other, sent kisses, told cute things. I even felt asleep and she loved it and thought I was super cute and irresistible. Next days it was so so, I still txted her goodmorning and wished her luck. On Thursday, the last finals day, I didn’t txt her cause the previous night I found out she was still planning with the ex, and she never told me which day she was available. She called me after school to tell me she finished, and later said to txt her. I didn’t, and she was weirded out. At night she asked me if I was ok, and I said why you ask that, and she said that she was weirded out that I didn’t tell her goodmorning or txt reply to her so late. I acted cold.

Btw, she ended the whole day at home. On Friday she called me around lunch time to see if I wanted to hang out with her for a few, but I didn’t answer her cause I was busy. I asked her later what she was up to later, and she said she was probably gonna stay home. However, I was gonna go watch a movie with a couple of friends (two brothers that had to move back to Mexico soon because they studied there). They asked her to join, she said yes, and then they said that me and my brother were gonna be there watching a horror movie, and she said she’s pass. I thought that she didn’t wanna see me and I was even more mad. On Saturday I knew she was gonna go to this birthday party with her ex, and a friend of her was gonna be there too. I txted her what she was up to, and she told me she was gonna get ready to hang out. Never told me about the bday, never told me about the guy (she never told me about anything she did during our break up). I told her to have fun and he never txted me anything that night. I went out to drink with a friend, and I ended up seeing her fb, and found out that she was now talking to another freaking guy. That guy initiated the contact, and was heavily flirting with her, and she liked her, eneded up giving him her number… They were txting after midnight, but after I txted her goodnight, she never replied anything.

I was very hurt that not only it seems that she was playing with me and my feelings, knowing that I love her and I want commitment with her. I was hurt because apparently we aren’t even mutual, and she much rather go out with her ex and now flirt with this random guy (the knew each other from high school, but were never close. I think he recently broke up with her gf, and now wanted V), without telling me anything, and leave me on the side. On Sunday and this past Monday I completely ignored her, even after she txted me and called, telling me to txt her, then telling me she was worried, she was upset and angry at this behavior of mine and so on. My friends and brother told me to ignore her actually, as I didn’t want to do it because I always criticized her for doing that and hate to ignore. Made me feel guilty and immature. She told me she couldn’t sleep, had nightmares, contacted my dad on Sunday and even went to my house on Monday when I was out.

I still wanted to see her and talk to her, tell her that I couldn’t just fake that I was ok with her telling me that we are just chilling, when she knows how much I love her. That she seems afraid of commitment even thought she cares about me and probably still loves me. That I can’t just take things slow if it won’t lead to anything, and that if she’s happy with me, why not be with me, since the issues for the break up can be fixed.

Yesterday I txted her and that’s when she unleashed her frustrations, telling me she suffered that I didn’t talk to her, had 2 crappy days and nights, and so on. Then she told me that I should have told her something; at least tell her I didn’t wanna talk to her. She added that “But you know what? Maybe it’s better that we don’t talk. We both need to move on. In fact, I think seeing you in person is worse.” I asked her why and she told me “Because I know you. One way or another you’ll try to persuade me. We are on a status that our relationship is turning into a vice cycle and isn’t healthy. We need to move on and to stop being obsessive over one another. So? Do you agree or disagree? What’s on your mind?”

I told her I would answer when I see her, but she kept saying that she didn’t want to see me and wanted me to answer her through txt. I said I disagree and that I would talk to her in person. She said no again and that she was gonna go to sleep, telling gnight.

 

I don’t know what the hell is going on. She’s clearly super confused. In December, after txting me all those stuff about not wanting to be back and to move on, she ended up contacting me. Then she came back to me, kissed me and all. She txted me like we used to, and then tell me to take things slow. Then I tell her to not have sex yet, and she changes, saying we aren’t anything, and going for her ex, and flirting back with another guy while doing this thing with me.

I feel used, played with, disrespected. She can’t make up her mind but she still wants me around. She knows I can’t be her friend because I’m too in love with her.

I still love her and wish that one day we could be back together officially and stay together forever. But she seems that she’s not sure about herself and seems scared and afraid to be back with me and commit. There won’t be any vice cycle if we are back together, because we would tell our parents and won’t ever have to lie, and we would be like we used to, but this time have more freedom and be able to do more things. I know she cares about me more than friends, but I don’t know.

This morning I wished her a goodmorning, left her a sandwich, water, 3 aspirins (she has headaches lots of times) and a note for her. I left her a voicemail.

I don’t know what she wants from me, what she thinks, why would she come back to me to only just having fun and have the need to go talk and hang out to guys that clearly flirt with her. She’s super beautiful, very classy, wacky, unique, and we are both very similar.

I will have to talk to her but don’t know what to say. I love her and don’t want to lose her. I would die knowing that she’s with someone else, worse if I think about her being physical with others (I was her first, and she always told me that she chose me because she loved me, and wanted to give herself only to me). This girl is beautiful and has an awesome personality, and I know she's very wanted. I was the luckiest guy to have her, to be the one she felt in love with and have her tell me that I'm the one for her. I became too stupid, and started to appreciate her less, take her for granted. I became too confident. Had her do many things I wanted and not that she wanted, got lazy, didnt listen to her sometimes, didn't truly respect her. I regret all of those things and wish I could go back to 2011 and redo things better.

 

Sorry for the length… I’m super lost and hurt and sad, can’t sleep nor eat properly and have recurring vivid dreams. I'm regretful, hate myself for losing her and not try harder, and wish this is all a nightmare, because it hurts too much.

[FrenchFries]

She's 17...15 when you met her. She is going through a lot of changes. You should not expect her to be stable, because she is still developing both emotionally and physically. She is a child. A serious relationship is probably more than she can emotionally handle right now. I think the relationship has run its course, certainly for the time being. She needs to explore life, college, other dates, etc., and you should not try to stop her. From reading through your post, I do not see where you are currently in reconciliation, but may have missed that part. Sorry, I know that's not what you wanted to hear. In time you will feel better.

[evensteven]

I know you have a lot of love for this woman. The one thing I see repeated in this whole thing is that she doesn't want to be together. She comes back to you for comfort and friendship. As much as you love her, you can't let her to continue hurting you. She needs space and time to be herself. You can't convince her to love you. She needs to get back there on her own. You need to break away from her and restart. If she comes back, she comes back. But give it a lot of time. Time enough that it doesnt hurt when you hear her name.Then be friends again and go from there. APressuring her, calling her, leaving gifts will not win her back. It will only make it worse. Shethinks she can have you whenever shes lonely, upset or just bored. DOnt be that to her. It's only hurting you.

[rosasnyder811]

It sounds to me like she still cares for you and she is trying to convince herself to distance herself from you. Be careful about how you respond---don't push her, don't stress her, because it will help convince her. BUT, don't go no contact, either.

I have a book suggestion for you that might help, but I'm not going to give you the title here. If you would like to talk further, PM me.

[Seb29]

She's 17...15 when you met her. She is going through a lot of changes. You should not expect her to be stable, because she is still developing both emotionally and physically. She is a child. A serious relationship is probably more than she can emotionally handle right now. I would have been livid if a 20 year old man was trying to date my 15 year old daughter. I think the relationship has run its course, certainly for the time being. She needs to explore life, college, other dates, etc., and you should not try to stop her. From reading through your post, I do not see where you are currently in reconciliation, but may have missed that part. Sorry, I know that's not what you wanted to hear. In time you will feel better.

 

I know, I understand that she's young and she's not sure about what she wants.

I know the age was a problem, and it was for this reason that throughout the whole summer until october, I tried to bottle in my feelings for her, thinking that it was only a crush and it might just bring troubles. But that spark from when I've seen her the first time and the growth of my feelings, I knew it wasn't just a crush.

I realized that I fell in love, for the first time, too. I love this girl with all my life, and I respected her as well as her parents. I waited for her to get ready to lose her virginity, even if sometimes she asked me, I knew it was just the heat f the moment and told her that it's better to wait. If it was for me, I would have waited even longer, even after marriage. I love her that much.

I know it's crazy talk, that I'm also young. I would rather stay home and watch tv with her than go out and clubbing. I would never do anything to hurt her or take advantage of her. I just know that she's the right one. We just connect in so many levels. I know that maybe it's too soon now, maybe later on, in a few years, when she's ready to commit, and she still have feelings for me, we can be together. I was just hoping that we would be those sweethearts that would stay together forever, and mature together. That;s why I didn't want to "do it" for those 10 mins only cause she felt horny. I knew it was wrong and I'd just be taking advantage of her.

For me, if you are happy with someone, there's no need to go out and explore. In this world, someone like her it's a keeper. But I can't stop her from doing what she want, I don't own her. I just know that I won't lead her to bad things like alcohol, drugs, smoke, and things like that (I don't do any of that, just drink some wine and beer here and there with the family).

It's weird, I've never been so lovy dovy in my entire life, and was actually much colder. She changed me, for the best, and makes me wanna be a better man.

The reconciliation happened when she started talking to me on christmas and thereafter, telling me that im better than other guys, and then kiss me and going out and hang out with me.

 

I know you have a lot of love for this woman. The one thing I see repeated in this whole thing is that she doesn't want to be together. She comes back to you for comfort and friendship. As much as you love her, you can't let her to continue hurting you. She needs space and time to be herself. You can't convince her to love you. She needs to get back there on her own. You need to break away from her and restart. If she comes back, she comes back. But give it a lot of time. Time enough that it doesnt hurt when you hear her name.Then be friends again and go from there. APressuring her, calling her, leaving gifts will not win her back. It will only make it worse. Shethinks she can have you whenever shes lonely, upset or just bored. DOnt be that to her. It's only hurting you.

 

Exactly. That's what I wanted to do after i told her "I love you forever and ever". I wanted to stop contacting her and give her space, but then she contacted me and came back to me, but I guess she's still unsure, probably scared and confused. If she told me that she just wanted to have fun, I would have told her that I couldn't just do that with her, since I love her.

I can't be her friend, and she knows it, too. There's just too much attraction (like she said) between us, too many feelings. I'd be ready to embrace them, but she still tries to keep them inside. I never txted her too much, nor called her. Usually she's the one calling me or txting me. If she doesn't reply, I wait, i don't tt her to reply faster. However, she's the one who txts more and asks me to reply faster.

I was giving those little things when we were "going out" this past month. Today I just did it cause I thought it might bring her a smile. Just a sandwich and aspirins and a note, nothing more.

But yeah, I can't keep doing this, it hurts me too much. I've developed jealousy and trust issues knowing what she did behind my back (I hope it wasn't anything serious), but I never told her and always try to act cool.

 

It sounds to me like she still cares for you and she is trying to convince herself to distance herself from you. Be careful about how you respond---don't push her, don't stress her, because it will help convince her. BUT, don't go no contact, either.

I have a book suggestion for you that might help, but I'm not going to give you the title here. If you would like to talk further, PM me.

That's what I think, she's convincing herself not to have strong feelings for me, but she clearly does. I don't what to do from now. I still haven't answered why I disagree, and I don't know when she wants to see me. I wouldn't even exactly know what to tell her. I just want it to be mellow, take it slow like we did, but without having her go get attention and flirts from other guys.

I'll sent you a PM.

[Seb29]

It sounds to me like she still cares for you and she is trying to convince herself to distance herself from you. Be careful about how you respond---don't push her, don't stress her, because it will help convince her. BUT, don't go no contact, either.

I have a book suggestion for you that might help, but I'm not going to give you the title here. If you would like to talk further, PM me.

 

I actually don't know how to send you a PM. I tried to look for it but can't find it.

[Seb29]

She still hasn't txted me. I think she's trying to have a revenge or something, maybe she's holding a grudge. I hope she doesn't just want to make me suffer, or even go out with a guy just to forget about me.

She still does't want to talk to me in person, and I don't like it. She knows I'm the only person that can take down the wall she builds around her and see right through her, so I'm guessing she's afraid of that.

I don't know if I should txt her or not.