Getting back together or not so much?

[levie]

Dear community, help me with advice, I felt I was back in relationship - but now - not sure what is happening.

Would you give me your opinion?

 

I thought i got back together with my boyfriend. Two weeks ago he came and invited me to dinner, he helped me with carrying stuff and we had very nice time - this was second time I saw him after we broke up - and this time we were intimate.

 

He texted me when he got home - and called me that week - it felt like we were back together. That weekend he had to be out of country so didn't see each other.

He promised to phone and did phone after his trip.

 

Wed/Thurs didn't hear anything and I phoned on Friday whether he's bringing a housewarming present for our friend or whether I should get something from both of us?

I phoned twice - on Friday - and on Sunday. On Friday he texted back that he's been ill for two days - and replied to Saturday's phone call and text instead of voicemail with another text a day later.

 

So I haven't spoken to him on phone for a week. I get text message back but no return phone calls. And nothing he initiates.

I haven't seen him for two weeks (not his fault).

And I understand him being sick...but the whole thing is a bit strange. why not call? It started out well - as we used to speak almost every night. Now its nothing.

 

And I'm not sure how to react? Whats going on? what would you do in my place?

[LoveHim]

I would call him and talk to him about it.

 

Relationships need communication, if you can't openly talk about what is going on and how you feel then there are issues much deeper than not talking often.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

This guy has been blowing hot and cold on you since he dumped you....I think you should just walk away. He is not worth the angst you are going through.

[levie]

I would call him and talk to him about it.

Relationships need communication, if you can't openly talk about what is going on and how you feel then there are issues much deeper than not talking often.

 

 

I phoned him twice - on Friday and Saturday. He hasn't returned my calls - he texts me back. I'm not going to phone him again.

[Shane Falco]

Sounds like he got some ex sex and now he's falling back. This guy has been stringing you along for a while. You need to either a) have a direct talk with him and pull no punches or b) move on. He's been playing you like a yo-yo.

[levie]

I doubt he has after sex. I know he wasn't. Its all emotional and pragmatic business.

[Shane Falco]

I doubt he has after sex. I know he wasn't. Its all emotional and pragmatic business.

 

Um, you said you and him were intimate. You are exes. Therefore he had "ex sex", unless your definition of intimate is different than mind. But that's how I read it -- you got together, had sex, now he's pulling back.

[levie]

Ah, no he didn't pull back after - he kept in active contact after, he didn't pull back until 2 weeks later. I dont' think that counts.

[Shane Falco]

Ah, no he didn't pull back after - he kept in active contact after, he didn't pull back until 2 weeks later. I dont' think that counts.

 

Sounds like you are deluding yourself a bit. You guys met, you were intimate. You haven't met again. He communicated immediately after said intimate meeting (as is custom) and then has distanced himself gradually since for one reason or another. Seems pretty cut and dried to me. Otherwise, you wouldn't have started the thread. I feel like you are making excuses to make yourself to feel better.

 

That being said, this guy has had you in a holding pattern for a while now. Are you going to continue to allow that, or are you going to make a move one way or the other? Either way, don't sleep with him until you hammer this out. You are giving him what he wants without the commitment you want.

[levie]

Sounds like you are deluding yourself a bit. You guys met, you were intimate. You haven't met again.

I was intimate second time we met, not first.

He was out of the country and then got seriously ill. I'm ok with not seeing him for two weeks. Its the not returning phonecalls all of a sudden is weird.

 

That being said, this guy has had you in a holding pattern for a while now. Are you going to continue to allow that, or are you going to make a move one way or the other? Either way, don't sleep with him until you hammer this out. You are giving him what he wants without the commitment you want.

 

Yep you're right. But i won't confront him, not worth it. He told me his parents and his neighbor says we were a good couple. I assumed he wanted to be back together. I thought commitment was implied?

 

Is relationship when getting back together something that needs to be spelled out ?

[shessofly]

yes. never assume anything.

[Shane Falco]

I was intimate second time we met, not first.

He was out of the country and then got seriously ill. I'm ok with not seeing him for two weeks. Its the not returning phonecalls all of a sudden is weird.

 

 

 

Yep you're right. But i won't confront him, not worth it. He told me his parents and his neighbor says we were a good couple. I assumed he wanted to be back together. I thought commitment was implied?

 

Is relationship when getting back together something that needs to be spelled out ?

 

I know, the most recent time you hung out you had sex. Then he's backed away a bit. And yes, you need to have it spelled out. Badly.

[levie]

I know, the most recent time you hung out you had sex. Then he's backed away a bit. And yes, you need to have it spelled out. Badly.

 

So I guess mine isn't a story of reconciliation then. And doesn't sound to you, like anything positive can potentially happen after?

[Shane Falco]

So I guess mine isn't a story of reconciliation then. And doesn't sound to you, like anything positive can potentially happen after?

 

If you continue to be "intimate" without spelling out what you want, then I don't see a reconciliation. Right now you are giving him what he wants while not getting what you want. I don't know if it's a lost cause, but I'd leave out the sex until you can make him commit back to you. Right now you are barrelling towards a friends-with-benefits situation.

 

But yeah, he's been jerking you back and forth for months now, partly because you willingly allow that to happen. At some point you are going to have to have a talk about what's going on and where you are headed.

[levie]

Thanks Shane. I've hesitated to initiate a talk because I think its his job as a man. He gave me indications he didn't want me to be with someone else, and that his family/friends very much approve of me. The whole thing got me confused - I thought it was relationship.

 

So hmm seems I made that mistake. Should I go NC? (feels to me I should). Last was his text reply.

[Shane Falco]

Thanks Shane. I've hesitated to initiate a talk because I think its his job as a man. He gave me indications he didn't want me to be with someone else, and that his family/friends very much approve of me. The whole thing got me confused - I thought it was relationship.

 

So hmm seems I made that mistake. Should I go NC? (feels to me I should). Last was his text reply.

 

Job as a man? This isn't the 1950s. Women can take control once in a while and quite frankly, you need to, because your lack of taking any control of the situation allows him to be friends with benefits. You are the one that's been wanting to reconnect and has been pushing the contact. You need to show strength, not weakness.

 

He'll be as non-commital as possible, especially if you continue to be passive, because you are giving him what he wants without having him give you what you want. He's having his cake and eating it to this way. As far as NC, I'm not sure I'd advise that. I would just advise you to do two things a) don't sleep with him until your relationship is defined and b) be more assertive in defining it. You don't have to have a confrontation about it, but you have to establish boundaries or you'll continue to be in limbo.

[levie]

Thank you Shane, your advice worked well. I spoke with my ex- and he said he was going to send me an email about relationship - I told him I want to discuss things on skype - and explained to him my perspective. I listened to him and encouraged him to say what he felt was my problems. At the end he invited me to come to his place ( he lives 1.5 hours away). He said he'd like to see if we work things out and if not move on. So i think we are trying.

 

It didn't work out to visit him because of blizzard but during the week he phoned me on valentines and said he's coming to the city over the weekend. We discussed future, moving to different country - he said "I don't want to waste your time as i'm not sure i might leave US."

I said 'no problem if you invite me with you, will you" He said that he is and we'll make decision as a couple.

 

He took me out to dinner, spent night and following half a day - he went back and phoned me again twice when he got home.

 

 

 

...but now again - I left voicemail on Monday - he hasn't returned my call in 2 days..I am again in an odd space and unsure as to why the silence?

Do I need to contact him again and ask why he hasn't replied? and if there is anything he needs to tell me?

[squirl]

Did you make a decision as a couple to move to another country? It sounds like you need to have a more focused agenda when communicating. Have you discussed as a couple what your future is?

[Shane Falco]

It was a good start, but there is still too much gray area. Continue to be assertive. And wait until he contacts you. If he doesn't, you might have your answer.

[zep]

It sounds like he is contacting you when he is lonely, and he really isn't sure that he wants to break up with you, but he isn't sure he wants to be with you either. "Using you to get over you" is what it is referred to on this board a lot. I predict he will be happy to continue this arrangement (minimal effort in seeing you and talking to you, but occasionally initiating) until either a) You stop it or b) he meets someone new. It definitely doesn't sound like his intentions are to build up a new relationship with you.

[harryackerman]

I would call him and talk to him about it.

 

Relationships need communication,

 

Yes love, you are right. Relationships need communication. Text him a massage and talk straight about this.

[levie]

Yes all of the above, seems to be the case. i am about to stop it..as I'm getting very seriously fed up, though I do like him quite a lot, but what can I do?

The update is On thursday (3 days after my voicemail ) - I got a text message from him of the following content:

 

"I apologize for my silence. I have so many thoughts that I will put together"....

 

He isn't very good talking about emotions - that i know - so writing down is his answer...

...girls, and guys, what would you do now? I guess i have to wait for his email/further communication...?

[levie]

Did you make a decision as a couple to move to another country? It sounds like you need to have a more focused agenda when communicating. Have you discussed as a couple what your future is?

 

yes we did - he said he is inviting me and said "we will make a decision as acouple". His behavior comes as a surprise to me. I have to move out of my apartment in April so we talked about various living options. His behavior now comes as a surprise to me.

 

He's poor at communicating his emotions. Not sure I should be going after him all the time and keep telling him "lets talk"...Everything seems to be going well until he flips out.

[squirl]

yes we did - he said he is inviting me and said "we will make a decision as acouple". His behavior comes as a surprise to me. I have to move out of my apartment in April so we talked about various living options. His behavior now comes as a surprise to me.

 

He's poor at communicating his emotions. Not sure I should be going after him all the time and keep telling him "lets talk"...Everything seems to be going well until he flips out.

 

Talking about logistics is reasonable. Talking too much about emotions is different.

[FrenchFries]

Maybe I'm wrong...but it seems this guy has a pattern of showing up every 2-3 weeks, telling you all the things you like to hear, having sex with you and then disappearing for another couple weeks, til the urge hits again and then it starts all the way over. It almost seems like he's keeping you around for his horny times, then after he gets what he "needs" he drops off again, never actually being straight up with you, just having a bunch of ambiguous conversations about "the future". I hope I'm wrong. Be careful with this.