Can't let go

[Captain150]

OK, I can't promise this will be short.

But here is what happened. I met this girl about 10 months ago. Talked very little with her on msn until about may or june. After that, we talked on msn EVERY day. It got to the point where we both liked talking to each other. Like it was part of our day and when I was gone for 10 days, we missed talking to each other. By this time I knew I liked her and told her that. She said she was starting to like me too. I wanted to go out, but she had just been dumped and was tenative. So it was like that from June until September. I asked her out in august, got turned down. On the 22nd of september, she drove out to my work, when I was working (a good 15-20 minute drive from where we both live). I work at a golf course, one of the workers went down to the range and got me. I went up, she was standing there. She said "Do you still want to go out with me?" I said "yes" and we both smiled.

Now she is my girlfriend. It's all cute and everything, we do the occasional thing together, but not enough. Now, we made it over a month. She isn't very willing to do anything (sexually) which is totally fine with me, I wasn't after it. On October 22nd (one month) we watched a movie together. The closest I had been to her ever. It was our first kiss and it was really romantic. Just us, when the movie ended, I was holding her hand and she got up. I got up with her, kept holding her hand and she knew. She came back to me, looked in my eyes and we kissed.

Before that happened, it was as though our relationship was mostly MSN based (RETARDED I know). But I kissed her and we were both so happy, I knew we did it (got comfortable with each other off the internet).

Now let's go to sunday, 2 days after that wonderful night. SHE IS HAVING SECOND THOUGHTS! I almost went totally crazy (not mad obviously). I didn't go crazy at her, but I got so paranoid. I KNEW I fell in love with her. When we first started going out, it was like an interest. But everytime I spent time with her, I knew more and more how much she meant to me. And it just hit me. I fell so in love with her.

So during the week after our first kiss, she was really cold and distant. I wanted to do things with her. She made excuses or just said she didn't want to. That hurt, but I had no idea what was going to happen. She came over monday (6 days ago) and put our relationship "on hold" I thought this meant we would still be together, just wouldn't really do things together until she figured out whatever the hell was wrong. Well I guess she broke up with me and has to see if she wants to go out with me again. I asked things like "do you still like me" and I got "I don't know" Or I would ask if she would go out again and she would say "I think i'm losing it, but when I hugged you, I so didn't want to let you go"

I haven't seen her alone since monday. We ONLY talk on msn. MSN ruins it all. When we are together, that "spark" is there. But on MSN right now, it isn't. So I REALLY want to be with her and give this a real chance, off of msn. But she hasn't been so willing.

I'm so in love with her and the way she did it, I will never be able to let go. Not until she gives us a chance or else totally leaves me. I know if she gave it a chance, it would all come back to her. However, I think I may have caused more trouble on msn. I've been acting so desperate on msn and in emails. Here is what I am going to TRY to do, i'm going to call her tomorrow and will try to tell her I love her (she doesn't know). Then I will try as hard as I can to not go on msn for a few days (we have talked on msn every single day since about june, except the 10 days and 5 days when she was gone).

I'm 16. The first girl I have loved. I have never been this hurt. But if she gives us a chance, it will ALL be worth it. I treated her better than I have anyone else. I completely opened myself up to her. I care about her more than anyone else. I told her things I would never dream of telling my parents or my best friends. She did the same to me. In fact, for at least a couple weeks. She was OBSESSED with me (obsessed, she didn't love me).

I'm a total mess right now. All I want is a real chance with her. Something she said was "what if we end up falling in love and THEN one of us ends it?"

Well I was tempted to say "too late for that" but I didn't. I wish she wasn't scared of love. You see I think she is being distant with me because she KNOWS if she spends any more time with me, those feelings WILL come back and she is afraid of getting hurt, or hurting me. I love her so much, it hurts ME if I hurt her. I don't care what I feel, I KNOW I would never hurt her. Even if all my love and feelings for her disappeared, I wouldn't dump her like garbage. I would give it an honest try, if it didn't work, I would end it gently. I tried to kiss her while I was drunk once, that didn't go over well. I felt like crap, she saw a side of me she never saw before. I know about the no communication thing. I was going to try to stay off msn for a few days. I have to find some way so that we both know if her feelings are still there. Neither of us know if her feelings are still there and she is trying to figure it out. I want to do things with her, we would find out for sure in that case. But if I do this no communication thing, I HAVE to know she wouldn't forget it.

ANY ideas, basically she doesn't know if she still likes me enough to go out with me. And I am here sitting, with a shattered heart, completely in love with her. Waiting for her, wanting her back. I even know doing things with her, it would come back to her. She didn't want to let me go the last time we were together. Haven't been alone with her since. Her old BF (the one that hurt her) said this "I don't know about my girlfriend now, I regret breaking up with you" She told me he said this, now she definitely doesn't want to get back together with him. But she said "I might regret breaking up with you" So being the moron I am, I said "then give it a chance Alli, I know we can be happy together again". She said "I just don't know if this is supposed to go any farther" I said "well if you give it a true and honest chance, then you would KNOW"

I sound so desperate, so forcing. I wish I knew what to do, I want it to work so badly and I know it can still work. But I have to show her that somehow. One movie with her, one comment, one look in each other's eyes. If I held her in my arms again, she would forget about all this MSN garbage and all this not knowing, not committing. I told her "forget about what msn feels like, just remember what we had when we were together. It felt so right. Something was starting that night we kissed" She said "I know

She doesn't want to let go either. But I am SO hurt, I HAVE to know what she is going to do. I want a real chance, I want to be with her again SO badly.

The odd thing is that none of this is sexual at all, I am a 16 year old guy and sex hasn't been an issue at all. Just being with her makes me happy, seeing her happy makes me happy. I have been miserable for 2 weeks and will be miserable until she does something. I should have put limits on my feelings. I gave everything to her. She doesn't know she did it, but she put limits on her feelings. I didn't, I may have scared her. Then she made that mean she didn't like me anymore.

This got really long, thanks for any comments on this. It's such a mess.

[shademan]

tell me what u think .......

[Captain150]

I think i'm too obsessed. I think most would agree. Like Loverboy said, "I never want this feeling to end"

And the way she is hanging on, I can't let go. Not when I know there is hope.

[shademan]

Once Again

 

Humanity and being weak

 

ask yourself The W question WHY

Why am i torturing myself ?

Why am i weak ?

Why this pain I AM PUTTING MYSELF Through ?

and finally AM I GOING TO DESTROY MYSELF

 

Beware Anger is a very powerfull weapon use it wisely......

 

and remember your war is with yourself fight your other self .