Does he just need some time to grow up?

[Javabear]

I apologize for the super long post... but details are necessary.

 

 

I was doing semi-well with the whole break up thing after 4 months, but for a multitude of reasons, I had a breakdown the other day. Most of it, I believe, is due to confusion and frustration about my ex. Half the time I tell myself to just let it go, and the other half of the time I swim in all the beautiful memories of our 3 years together and wonder how in the world he seems to be fine and over it while I'm still hurting immensely.

 

He was very unclear during our breakup. First he told me it was because he had feelings for another girl. Then he said he knew he needed me but didn't know how to want me. Then he said that I never supported his music career ambitions (false). Then he said he couldn't imagine himself marrying anyone but me. And finally, he got cold and harsh, said (after a month of being broken up) that he wasn't in love with me anymore and had moved on.

 

I have spent the last 4 months trying to decipher exactly why all of this happened and I think I've finally started to understand. My ex and I met on our 2nd day of our first year of college and started dating 3 months after. He was rather immature and wild but that's part of the reason why I loved him, because I was the opposite. Over the years we were together he became more serious as we talked about plans for the future and a life together. However, at the beginning of our last year, I think he had some kind of panic attack/life crisis. He's always said that he never wanted to grow up, and I think reality started to hit him this year that college is almost over and he'll be in the real, adult world soon. I believe he broke up with me because I was ready to be a grown up and he was not. He reverted back to his immature ways and shut me out.

 

At first I was completely devastated but slowly I began to realize that this breakup was a good thing. I had completely lost myself in our relationship and so these past 4 months apart I have rediscovered who I am and what I want in life. I have done some serious self-reflection on my own and with a therapist (for other reasons beside the breakup) and I have learned my lesson. I was too needy in our relationship and demanded too much of his time. He always went along with it because he didn't want to hurt me. The communication was terrible, but what do you expect from a couple of 19 year-olds?

 

The part that hurts me the most is my ex and the new girl. They're not dating, but they talk all the time and they work together. He's been trying hard to pursue a relationship and while she does seem to flirt back, I think it's just in her nature to be overly friendly (or at least this is what I've heard from people who know her). I've seen that my ex sends her all these quotations about happiness and love which breaks my heart. It feels like he's forgotten all about me, pushed any memories of us far, far away and wants a new life with someone else.

 

Meanwhile, I miss him everyday. We don't talk to each other but I just have this feeling that our breakup was not due to any major character flaws or incompatibility, it's just a matter of him not being ready to grow up. For this reason I've decided to bow out and give him as much space as possible to finish out his last year of college in the wild, crazy, carefree way our relationship seemed to deny him of for the first 3 years. I guess my questions is... are there any chances that we might be able to reconcile sometime in the future? I know nobody really has the answer and that I can't hold out hope and I need to move on etc. etc. I guess I'd just like to know if there's anyone else who's been in a similar situation and what the ultimate results were.

[tiger1644]

My ex was also unclear and confusing as to why he was breaking up with me. We are both 20 years old, dated for three years, and broke up two months ago. I've finally stopped trying to understand why by analyzing his words, emails, actions, etc. It really doesn't matter in the end. And, like your ex, I doubt mine even understands his own feelings himself.

 

I think the important thing to remember is that you treated him well - he was lucky to have you. I would blame the breakup on inexperience and immaturity - your ex is young and confused. 19/20 year old guys don't even know what they want or what to admire and appreciate in a partner.

 

Continue NC and let him experience life without you. Sometimes people just need time on their own, especially when they're young and trying to figure out who they are. Live your life day by day and be open to new experiences and people. There is always a chance for reconciliation - but be patient, it could take months or even years. If it's meant to be, it'll happen.

 

I also hope my ex will find his way back to me one day - I wish you the best