LittleHope Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 My ex-gf has been reaching out to me lately, and I don't really know what to make of it. First a bit of background: We were together for 5 years and a few months, lived together for more than 3. She broke up with me in July 2011, about 18 months ago. I was heartbroken and kept chasing her for a few weeks, which of course only drove her away. I gave up my attempts to reconnect when she told me that she didn't want to see me or hear from me ever again and went NC around September 2011. Didn't hear from her for the next 8 or 9 months, until in May 2012 she got in touch on instant messaging. We kept chatting briefly every couple of weeks, but those conversations were rather distant and impersonal (mostly work-related stuff). We finally decided to meet for coffee in July 2012. At that meeting she told me that she had been seeing someone else for the past 6 months and that it was serious. I like to think that I mostly kept my composure. When I received the news I thought to myself that she had only reached out to me because of some weird urge to break the news of her new relationship and that I would probably never hear from her again, but to my surprise she told me that she would like for us to stay in touch when it came time to say our goodbyes. I was apprehensive, but didn't flat out deny her wish. After that meeting I concluded that I couldn't be friends with her, to protect myself and out of respect for her new relationship. I decided to go NIC and didn't really expect to hear much from her. We met again for coffee in October to return an item I had borrowed her. I went into this meeting convinced that it would be the last time I would see or hear of her - there was nothing left to connect us and I didn't think she would spend another thought on me after moving on to someone else. She briefly got in touch again on instant messaging a few weeks later, but it was the usual distant, impersonal conversation. Neither of us followed up on that contact. Now here's the part that I'm trying to make sense of: On Christmas Eve 2012, she sent me a text message wishing me and my family happy holidays. I had not expected this and couldn't make much sense of it, but replied in a friendly manner to extend my holiday wishes to her and her family. I figured she might be lonely or bored around the holidays or maybe trying to alleviate some guilt. It felt nice to know that I was on her mind on this occasion, but was still cautious about her intentions. A week later she sent another text, asking me if I would like to meet and catch up some time. I said sure, that would be nice. At that point I figured the holiday greetings were probably her way of testing the waters, to see if I was still receptive to contact. We occasionally texted the following weeks leading up to our meeting (always initiated by her) and at this point I was rather curious why she was reaching out to me and why she wanted to meet in person. We finally met for a quick lunch last week and pretty much nothing happened - just the same distant, impersonal small talk that I've gotten used to with her. Neither of us touched on any sensitive subjects like past or present relationships. When we said our goodbyes she said that it was nice seeing me and that I should get in touch if I wanted to. Then she texted me a brief happy birthday message on my birthday this week. This series of events over the last few weeks left me very confused, especially considering the timeframe - you might expect this behavior from someone who's having second thoughts, but not after 18 months while in a new relationship. I've talked this over with family and (non-mutual) friends and they can't make much sense of it either. I have a few theories of my own what might be going on, but would really appreciate some outside opinions on her behavior and intentions to weigh my options. I'm still open to the idea of reconnecting with her, but I also know that I need to be careful and protect myself. I also know that the safest way to handle this would be to break off all contact, but I'm not sure that I'm quite ready for that. Any thoughts or advice how to handle this whole situation would be great. Link to comment
BrianH46 Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 She is grooming you to be a fine back-up who will always give into her wishes. Link to comment
Cope and Hope Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 She is grooming you to be a fine back-up who will always give into her wishes. Pretty much. Link to comment
MikNomis Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Brian totally nailed it. Link to comment
Monkey ai Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 I would say that you need be really careful if you want to protect yourself...I have very similar situation in past months with my ex(post BU 1 year), he reach out me so much, I was sure something is up, he even reach out me when I was trip in oversea... also he bought Christmas gift(small), you have to understand he never get gift for me when we together... but after meeting him, now I realized, I am his backup, because he have this on and off relationship with his current GF, and I think it is very selfish of him to contact me all the time... I am move on not look back, we are not talking now as I assume that he is with his GF now, so he do not need me... some exs are very self centered, and they do not know to protect you, so you need protect urself! Good luck! Link to comment
daintrovert13 Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 The same thing happened to me recently..I was the Dumpee..I was the one told to stay away etc. Then all of a sudden she remembered she had an ex. Texting family pictures..constantly wanting to know I was okay..being extra nice etc. The only difference between you nd I is that I have been snooping nd found out that the person that she's actively trying to replace me with..doesn't seem to truly compare to me..so I sort of gotten my answer. Even though this was my first Love nd I still care..a part of me really doesn't want to reconcile.I feel betrayed. At first I felt as if I would take her back when her relationship fails. Yes I said when. lol..but the more I think of how Im being used as a security blanket..a Plan B. Im not going to. People like that only truly care about one thing ..THEMSELVES. Yup!! Link to comment
happyfrank Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Tell her straight up. If you want to get back with me. You have to dump boyfriend. I don't want to play games. Take yourself serious and no games. Good luck. Link to comment
LittleHope Posted January 31, 2013 Author Share Posted January 31, 2013 Thank you all for your opinions and advice. While I haven't come to know her as the kind of person to keep another man hanging while in a relationship, it's certainly a possibility worth consideration. All things considered it's probably best to wait and see what transpires next, if anything. If anyone else would like to chime in, every comment is appreciated. Link to comment
Loveandlost Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 she broke up with you, she broke your heart, a year and a half ago. She has been with other men, she is not chasing you to get you back, because if she was she would be obvious about it. let it go bro, move on, theres other girls who will actually be interested in you, and not just using you for attention during a bored period. Link to comment
LittleHope Posted January 31, 2013 Author Share Posted January 31, 2013 She has been with other men I wouldn't hold that against her, it's not like I've been sitting home alone for the past 18 months. Unfortunately these things never got very far, driving home the point that it's not so easy to find a person you connect with (except for her it seems). she is not chasing you to get you back, because if she was she would be obvious about it. I guess that's the most important part to keep in mind. If she were seriously interested she would probably make her intentions more clear. let it go bro, move on, theres other girls who will actually be interested in you, and not just using you for attention during a bored period. As I said, I'm well aware that's the safest and most rational option. Of course easier said than done when someone you feel deeply about tentatively pushes the door open. Aside from that, as mentioned, I haven't had much luck in finding someone else who I'm compatible with, but that's probably also a matter of my current state of mind. Link to comment
The Raviator Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 Man, I have been experiencing a similar situation... For some reason or another these women just cant be honest and it is not our job to pull teeth. If I were you, I would keep the door closed on her as long as "the other guy" is involved. You don't want to be "the other guy" Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.