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Broke hearted, afraid to be alone

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*brokenhearted. Curse you, autocorrect.


I didn't know where else to put this, I'm genderfluid and figured I might as well post it here.


My best friend and I dated for a few months. I left my ex so that I could be with him. But my ex and I had cohabitated for five years. She moved back to her home state, and it sounds callous, but I don't miss her. I just miss the feeling of having someone around.


I fell in love with my best friend so quickly. I knew I loved him just shortly after we met, and he kissed me for the first time as I dropped him off at his house late one night, just over a year ago. Our relationship was intensely physical and passionate for a while, but though I still feel the passion, and though we are still physically intimate, things tapered off quite a bit.


He broke up with me in the summer, telling me that he didn't foresee our relationship lasting for the rest of our lives... but also that I am his best friend, too, and that he doesn't want to leave my life. But he can be distant at times, and he wants so much time alone that I end up feeling abandoned.


We are still very close. He stays over at my house multiple times per week, and as I said we are still intimate. But I got so used to constant companionship that it puts me in physical pain to be alone, especially at night. I can't sleep alone unless I take sleeping pills. So much of the time I spend alone is taken up by crying, sometimes for hours.


He inspired in me desires I've never felt before. I would do anything to marry him and have kids with him. I want nothing more. I love him so deeply. The thought of spending my life with anyone else cuts me to the core. I don't want anyone but him.


I wish I knew what to do. I've never met anyone before whom I consider to be my equal. But it's so easy to be around him. He speaks and I respond and we understand each other. We have a similar sense of humor and the same taste in many things. He likes my cooking, which is more than I can say for just about anyone else. He's warm and he lets me hold him at night, and when I'm with him, I sleep so easily and so comfortably.


I guess that's really all I can say. I wish I knew what the future holds.

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Being brokenhearted is definitely not easy but I guess we all have to experience this at least once in our lifetime. I think such moments teach us something, if we are willing to see the lesson. As for you being afraid to be alone, I think that`s a whole different story. Missing someone is one thing and not bearing to be alone with yourself is a totally different one. Learning to be able to be OK with yourself and feel comfortable in your own company is not easy. It takes time and patience and the power to accept yourself as you are. Take care!

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