Yes you will find love again

[utopie]

Hello fellow Enaers,

 

I have no idea whether some of you remember my story at all. If not you can find it on my profile. I apologize for the long post.

 

Anyway it's been well over a year since my ex of nearly 3 years left me. We had a "normal" relationship: no cheating, lots of love and respect. He just fell out of love and he wanted to see what else was out there as I was his first real girlfriend. Pretty regular in any relationship really. I let him go with all my love and no resentment whatsoever although I was completely overwhelmed and broken apart.

I stopped contacting him after 2 months, removed him from my Facebook, contacts on my phone, etc..

 

I thought that at my grand age, 29, I would never find somebody who would accept me 100% and love me for who I am. What I came to understand is that if my ex had loved me 100% he would have stayed. I started meditation and practicing a form of zen buddhism. It changed me. And then, 6 months after the break-up I met my current boyfriend (we've been together for 1 year). There is not a single day I do not mentally thank the universe for putting him on my path.

Of all the men I have dated, he is the best possible fit I could ever had and he thinks the same way about me. I am thankful to my ex for having the courage (yes it takes courage when there is not really anything terribly wrong with your relationship) to break up with me. My current BF was actually living a few blocks from my place and we had friends in common, even went to the same parties but never met!

 

I have been through a lot of life experiences with my current ex: I lost a relative, broke an arm, had to be hospitalized for kidney stones and (sorry for the TMI) had a herpes scare that did not ironically scare him away while he broke an ankle and went through bankruptcy with his company. Our relationship weathered all these storms and we still marvel at how we peacefully handled every single one of them. We connect on a deep intellectual level, something I have never experienced, at least not to that extent.

 

And for those who still hope that your ex will get back with them: my ex reached out to, I believe, ease his guilt. About a year ago (in Spring), I was jogging in my neighbourhood when I saw him. He told me that he could feel he was going to see me today (well if you're running in my neighbourhood and park your car in my street...) We talked for about an hour, caught up. At the time I had started dating my current boyfriend. I am not a petty person so I did not mention him and my ex did not ask about my romantic life. He wanted to know how the family and my friends were doing, what I had been up to, where I was applying for jobs (I was finishing my PhD). I answered truthfully but left out details. I did tell him that I rejected a position in the city he now lives (one of the reasons he broke up with me was that we were not going to end up in the same city).

I don't remember the exact conversation but I remember two things he said that just was a "yeah-I'm-really-done-with-us" moment. 1 "I miss your friends" (humm thanks. My friends you do, me, not so much eh?) and 2. something along the lines of "I felt guilty for breaking up with you right after your parents left. I don't want them to think it's because of them. I've been feeling so guilty about that, I've been thinking about it the whole time" (my parents live in my home country and came for a visit. We broke up 2 weeks after they were gone). At the time of the break-up he had already told me the same thing about my parents and I reassured him that they never would think such a thing (which is true) but apparently he thought I said it to make him feel better.The funny thing is I have a friend who lives in the same city as my ex and who, 2 weeks ago, ran into him. My ex once again asked about my friends (I guess he really liked them after all) and told him that he had not heard about me in a while and wanted to know how I was doing.

 

Anyway, at that specific moment when I ran into him, all the lingering possible feelings I had for him were just put out, kaput, finito. The only reason he wanted to see me was because he felt guilty and to tell me he missed my friends. All I wanted was to leave after that. He did ask for a hug which I gave (a very long and uncomfortable one) and told me as I was leaving that I looked good with his sad puppy eyes which made me feel even more uncomfortable. Of course, I told my current boyfriend that i had run into the ex.

 

If you're wondering whether you will love and be loved again, the answer is "of course you will!". Don't pine over your ex (even if they do think about you. How could they not when your lives were so intertwined?). If he/she truly wants to get back with you, they can find you one way or another. But do you really want to get back with somebody who rejected you in such a brutal way when you can be with somebody who will never do that to you, somebody who will never stop loving you, who will always think that you are "it'? Even if you are deep in your dark hole right now, even if you feel like your heart has been ripped apart, even if you feel that you have used all your capacity to love, you will, maybe even against your will.

 

Thank you for reading and namaste

[LonelyGirl10]

I feel like I could have written this exact post 2 months ago. I dated my first ex for 4 years, and we broke it off because something just wasn't right. There wasn't anything wrong, but it wasn't right either. Then I met a new guy, and it was so right with him. We instantly clicked, and everything that was missing with my first ex suddenly made sense. We dated for a year, and we were talking about marriage. Then he broke up with me in December. Now I'm just struggling to understand it all. It honestly felt right with him. And it's so hard to believe that I can find someone that gives me that feeling again. I've seriously dated 5 guys in my life, and this most recent ex is the only one that everything was perfect with. He gave me that special feeling. And now he's just gone.

[lovepugs86]

This is a great post and I agree with most of it, but my question is, how do you know the next person you end up with won't do the same exact thing? I feel like I can never love or trust anyone again. If I thought my ex was the right person and he still broke my heart, how would I know the next person I end up with is any different?

[tryharder83]

thank you for finding time to share your story utopie.. i need this positiveness today.

 

just to give me another boost.. these things are really nice to know. that it'll really get better.

 

im not as miserable as before.. where id like to just disappear! i still think of the ex, but now its something i can handle and im not being so depressed as i used to. its more than a year from the BU and almost a year since i went not initiating contact since we used to work together. im glad that i made the decision yo leave my work place because i dont know how else ill heal when i know my ex is just around and ill hear things that will only make me wanna go ballistic. this is the first relationship that affected me this much that i find myself really distraught.

 

im not yet there.. but its really good to know that itll be ok. thank you.

[utopie]

I am so sorry you're going through this Lonelygirl. I know what it must feel like. If you dont' mind me asking, what happened with the recent ex?

I can understand why you feel like you will never find somebody like him but how did you feel when the preceding ex left you? Didn't you feel the same as now?

I have seriously dated 4 guys and each was a better fit than the previous one. Before my ex broke up with me, I thought we were going to get married as well but it turned out I found somebody much better suited.

I think that every ex prepares you for the one who'll stay. I know it's easy to say and you cannot see the end of the tunnel right now. My words cannot help you enough but you are strong. What i mean is that you went through 5 serious relationships. Before the first one, would you have signed up for 5? Would you have signed up for 1 let alone two break-ups? Probably not but I guess we grow with every single one of them even if they hurt you deeply. I would be incredibly sad if my current boyfriend left me but I know that I would get back up on my feet because I no longer invest my happiness in one person. I used to do that with the early ones.

You're only 2 months out. Keep posting here, keep busy as much as you can and the pain should slowly ebb away.

[utopie]

This is a great post and I agree with most of it, but my question is, how do you know the next person you end up with won't do the same exact thing? I feel like I can never love or trust anyone again. If I thought my ex was the right person and he still broke my heart, how would I know the next person I end up with is any different?

 

That's the thing: you can never know. You cannot be in the other person's head, cannot experience their feelings. Loving somebody is a great leap of faith. I also thought I would not trust anybody with my heart and he happened. But as I said in a previous reply, I do not invest my entire happiness in that one person. Not only do you lose yourself, who you are, in that person but when they break up with you, you feel like you are not even yourself anymore, like who you are is who you were with him/her.

[utopie]

And we're the same age (well now I'm 30)! Not enough people post about "successful" stories not related to a reconciliation but quite frankly, all my girlfriends who went through terrible breakups have found love again and I mean all of them. One of my close friends was dumped by email, found out that she was cheated upon with one of her friends (he married that girl and had the nerve of inviting her) Hollywood horror story really. She swore off men for the rest of her life. She is now engaged.

[LonelyGirl10]

Today is actually exactly one month post breakup for me. A month before the breakup, he took me to look for engagement rings. It was a complete shock. He said that he's unhappy and depressed, and he needed to be alone to figure out what he wanted to do with his life. I've talked to him multiple times since then, and he's never once listed anything that was wrong with the relationship. He still tells me he loves me. But he left me.

 

This breakup is different than my previous 4 breakups. I was sad with the first four, but I knew it was the right decision. My gut feeling with those prior four was that I did not see myself married to them. But this current one is so much harder because I was really happy with him. When I met him, I had that "aha" moment where I realized that this was the man that I had been waiting for. We had all the same opinions on every issue. We were so compatible. And I felt more passionate with him than any other person. I also tried harder with him. I broke alot of my bad habits, and put forth more effort because I really saw myself with him long term.

 

I want to be with someone that thinks I'm "it." But I thought he was "it". And I thought he felt that way about me.

[John John]

This is a great post and I agree with most of it, but my question is, how do you know the next person you end up with won't do the same exact thing? I feel like I can never love or trust anyone again. If I thought my ex was the right person and he still broke my heart, how would I know the next person I end up with is any different?

 

This. This is exactly what I feel right now. I loved my ex with all of my heart, and thought I was going to marry her. And she at one point felt the same. And then she dumped me a week before Thanksgiving and a month before our anniversary. I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust anyone ever again. I really don't. It's too painful to go through all this. You try as hard as you can and bend over backwards, only to be left in the dust by someone who supposedly was fully in it with you. Perhaps I'll just die alone. Which is fine, since we enter the world alone.

 

utopie, I am very happy you found love again, you deserve it! I am in no way intentionally raining on your parade lol. I am using your post as inspiration that, even though I honestly believe I'll end up alone, I will at least be happy again on my own some day!!

[figur]

Thanks for this post, utopie. At the time, I thought both of my last two exes were "it"....but alas. However, I've come to realize my own faults in the relationship game. I had too many expectations, probably made up a lot of the relationship in my head almost. Now I know better. You really do see an ex for who they are after a break up, the good and the bad.

 

We can only hope to learn from relationships that don't last. And I've left with compassion, although I'm still really hurt over my most recent break up (I mean, come on, it's only been a week). But I have hope for the future.

[utopie]

That is a tough situation. I am not part of your relationship, I do not know him like you do but telling you he loves you while his actions show that he does not want you in his life right now (a break-up is the ultimate "I don't want you in my life anymore" move) is not fair to you. Yet again, he might have an epiphany and realize who he lost.

If he did not find any reason for the breakup then you are certainly not the problem: he is. You deserve somebody who is completely with you and does not create that much emotional stress.

it is going to be tough to move on considering he ticked all the boxes for you but if he broke up with you then it clearly means this guy is not for you. This "aha" feeling is indeed rare but you will experience it again. In the meantime you should probably cut any contact but I'm sure everybody on this board has told you that already. Making it clear to him that you don't want any contact from him because you need to forget him and not as a retaliation act.

[utopie]

Thanks for this post, utopie. At the time, I thought both of my last two exes were "it"....but alas. However, I've come to realize my own faults in the relationship game. I had too many expectations, probably made up a lot of the relationship in my head almost. Now I know better. You really do see an ex for who they are after a break up, the good and the bad.

 

We can only hope to learn from relationships that don't last. And I've left with compassion, although I'm still really hurt over my most recent break up (I mean, come on, it's only been a week). But I have hope for the future.

 

Only a week? Oh I remember the agony I was in after a week. On the other hand, if you already have such an optimistic outlook I think you'll be back on your feet in no time. It's quite amazing what a human being can emotionally endure and still keep on going.

[figur]

Only a week? Oh I remember the agony I was in after a week. On the other hand, if you already have such an optimistic outlook I think you'll be back on your feet in no time. It's quite amazing what a human being can emotionally endure and still keep on going.

 

It was only a 6 month relationship, but felt much more than that. I think we were just leaving the honeymoon stage, so I was starting to reconcile my totally lovey-dovey he-is-so-perfect mentality for something more realistic. And then poof, he's gone. How much more real could I need?

 

It stings every day and the mornings are hard, but I do try to be resilient.

[Reflective82]

thanks for this. 6 months past BU and I haven't found anyone yet. It's good you don't have resentment towards your ex for breaking it off, as I still do resent mine for leaving and don't want to be civil or in contact with him

[sportsguy9981]

Im 4 months post breakup.. I havent dated or hung out with any women, I live in a small town, she left me for someone else. It's great that you found someone else OP, I do hope it works out for you. Personally after the hell I've been through, I dont think another relationship right now would help me. Maybe it's because I feel so bad that my ex is in one...maybe its because Im so sad that she cheated and left me. I have no sex life, Im 31, I have a degree too, you said you're getting your PHD. Im intelligent, make decent money, ect, I feel like I have alot to offer. I feel like if the right person came into my life then I would be alright with getting involved again, I just cant meet anybody here, my confidence is at an all time low, Im lonely alot, and I feel hopeless. There are things I want to do like travel, but I end up feeling down and depressed when Im alone all the time doing EVERYTHING. I hate always being and doing things alone, yet I cant trust anybody anymore, I always end up getting the short end of the stick, and some other guy comes along. Im beginning to think I'll just end up single in 5 years still, still searching for the right woman, still not satisfied, then ending up going through this all over again, the pain, the heartache.. it doesnt seem like anything is certain anymore. Why cant people just stay committed to each other, why cant they just put each other 1st?? I look at my best friend, who's married with 3 kids and he's not even that happy all the time.. im not happy single and he's not happy married, so when are people happy?lol theres no in between.

[chickydoodle]

I actually feel there is ZERO hope for some of us to meet and fall in Love again.

I dont know why people so often say you will meet someone else when they cant possibly know its true.......

 

Better off to advise people to reconcile with being alone and being happy, and if somone else comes along its a nice bonus but realistically it may never happen imo.

[lovepugs86]

Why do you think there is zero hope?

[chickydoodle]

Why do you think there is zero hope?

 

Lots of reasons physical, emotional, psychological, spiritual, mental ................

 

We are all so unique with this comination of traits, that statistically it is not 100% certain one will meet someone compatible- as in being able to fal in Love or spend the rest of your lives together.

Esp those that are ''different'' - fall outside the norm either 'cos they are quirky or damaged or whatever.

And esp older women have a harder time of it ...... ( not so much older men 'cos many young women find older men attractive- few younger men find older women attractive)

 

Many people die alone and spend their later years alone 'cos they D'ONT meet someone else......in spite of wanting to.

[hellomolly123]

 

Many people die alone and spend their later years alone 'cos they D'ONT meet someone else......in spite of wanting to.

 

Geeze. This is really depressing. I'm choosing to look at it from a different perspective: WANTING to meet someone is not the same as doing the actual WORK to put yourself out there, expand your social circle, and meet new people. I feel like those people who are willing to put themselves out there and are open to new experiences and new relationships are actually highly likely to find someone they are compatible with.

[VictorVic]

Posts like this are what keeping us going. I am alomst 2 years removed from a breakup that crippled me. I never imagined I would find someone else. Today is 1 day after my most recent breakup, yea only a few month relatioship but right now it hurts. I hate to sound shallow, but I keep saying I will never find someone as attractive as my ex. (At least I have said it 3 times now since the original breakup). I really am shy when it comes to initiating convo with the opposite sex, so unless I already know someone or is set up by a friend, I find it verrrrry tough to think I can find another girl. I'm in my upper 20's now.

[utopie]

People heal differently. You're still hurt and you feel like nobody will earn your trust again: I've been there. Relationships (be it romantic or not) are not all "roses and butterflies" and whenever you get involved with another human being, you can never be sure you won't end up hurt. I also see plenty of unhappy couples but happy ones do exist, I know a few, but just a few.

It does not mean that you should never trust anyone ever again. As chickydoodle bluntly, but rightfully, said being happy with yourself and by yourself is the only way to be sure that you''ll always be happy. I used to invest too much of my happiness in my partners. Not only is it unhealthy for you but it also puts too much pressure on the other person.

That being said, chances are you will trust somebody again. We are social beings after all and companionship is part of our life. From what you said you are what we commonly call a "catch" and it is only a matter of time until you get caught. In the meantime, you should really focus on yourself and acknowledge that you are an accomplished young man. Do you have close friends? If so, spend some time with them, go out! Have fun with your life sportsguy!

[utopie]

Lots of reasons physical, emotional, psychological, spiritual, mental ................

 

We are all so unique with this comination of traits, that statistically it is not 100% certain one will meet someone compatible- as in being able to fal in Love or spend the rest of your lives together.

Esp those that are ''different'' - fall outside the norm either 'cos they are quirky or damaged or whatever.

And esp older women have a harder time of it ...... ( not so much older men 'cos many young women find older men attractive- few younger men find older women attractive)

 

Many people die alone and spend their later years alone 'cos they D'ONT meet someone else......in spite of wanting to.

 

I agree that you can never be sure that you will love and be loved again chickydoodle, but chances are that you will. I do not have statistics and other scientific facts but just looking at people around me, I only know one woman in her late 50s who is single. However, it is her choice is happy being single and would not have it any other way. The reason why I say that you will love again is that most people do want somebody to grow old with and chances are they will. Does it mean that you cannot be happy single? Of course not. Nobody should make you happy. You are responsible for your own happiness. Sharing it with somebody though is another thing. I do not know your personal story chickydoodle, I do not know whether you've been greatly hurt and I might be completely mistaken but you sound like you have been through some tough experiences.

[shoeghost]

This is a really nice post. I fell head-over-heels in love wtih my ex 4 1/2 years ago. He broke up with me because of issues with his OCD. We reunited 2 1/2 years ago, but he did not want to commit to an exclusive relationship. We continued to see other people, but still talked every day. We discussed kids, marriage, and how much we loved each other, but he would always negate my compliments. He was clearly depressed. He took his life in January.

 

Since then, I've been meeting nothing but flakey and needy men who either frustrate me or turn me off altogether. I haven't found any happiness in dating, and miss my ex like crazy. The people in my wide group of friends who are male are all in serious relationships or are married (I'm 32), so there is literally nobody in my circle of friends I could be with. There is one friend I've had romantic feelings for, but he's flakey, doesn't like that we're the same height, and is now in a relationship with someone else.

 

I've lost hope, and I really don't know how to get it back. I'm trying to find a way to get a new job so that I can move geographically, and potentially meet new people. It really stinks not being able to travel because all of your friends have to put their partners and families first, and also having to choose between spending a night alone or forcing yourself to go out with someone who is needy, creepy, clingy, and desperate. I'm miserable.

 

I think that, in the wrong circumstances (like mine!) you will not make a connection with someone again. You have to find the right circumstances. Please pray that I'll be able to find a new job that will enable me to move!

[Readytoheal]

It was only a 6 month relationship, but felt much more than that. I think we were just leaving the honeymoon stage, so I was starting to reconcile my totally lovey-dovey he-is-so-perfect mentality for something more realistic. And then poof, he's gone. How much more real could I need?

 

It stings every day and the mornings are hard, but I do try to be resilient.

 

 

oh my it feels like I have just wrote this myself. 2 weeks from BU and I am in exactly the same situation. I was falling in love with him but he wasn't quite there. I have been doing mindfulness and it helps a lot, Feel like I am healing fast. Stay strong, we will bounce back to find someone that is the right fit for us hopefully in no time