chloe90 Posted January 29, 2013 Share Posted January 29, 2013 Up until recently I was seeing this lovely guy I work with. We started out as friends, he helped me move house and we started texting. Time went on and he made it very clear that he liked me and the more we texted and hung out I began to like him too. It was so lovely as we were taking things really slowly, just chilling out or going to the beach or for a drive. We knew we both liked each other and would text all the time and he was very sweet and affectionate. Things progressed and we kissed for the first time just before christmas and things were amazing. After christmas we went to our work party together and had a good time and we slept together that night. I hadn't planned on this happening just yet and it made me crazy. After that moment I became very needy and paranoid. Thinking he was going off me when he hadn't given me any real reason to feel like that. At first he reassured me and said he wouldn't go off me and that what we were doing was good and it's nice to take things slow. This made me feel better for a while but to cut a very long story short, my neediness and incessant text messages has destroyed a good thing with this man. He began to ignore my crazy texts (can you blame him!?) Which in turn made me worse. I couldn't leave it alone. Whenever I'd see him at work he would speak to me and act normally with me but I couldn't shake how bad i felt for coming on too strong and ruining things so soon as we were having such a lovely time going with the flow and spending time together. We hadn't even got to that stage of discussing where it was going or whatever. Anyway I continued to torture myself over this and question him with "why" and "what's changed" etc. He told me he had "a lot on at the moment" and needed time to himself. I found out since then thay he's got issues with his daughter as well which I understand is hundred percent more important. He's not said he's not interested in me at all or that things wouldn't change in the future when his life is sorted. I'm confused about this because I still care about him so so much and I want to have hope that if I give him the time and space he needs, that I can somehow salvage this?? I've just had an operation and he gave me a good luck card on my last day of work and has text me after to see how I am and when I'm back at work etc. I just don't know what to do. He's said I haven't done anything wrong it's just that things have happened in his life that he can't get people involved in. I know most of your advice to me will probably be "give up and move on" but I don't want to. We're perfect for each other and i haven't felt like this in such a long time. I hope someone has some advice for me on how to get things back on track and win him back as I hope it's not too late!! Link to comment
JJ2980 Posted January 29, 2013 Share Posted January 29, 2013 The last thing you should be doing is trying to win him back. How about trying to be there as a friend instead? He told you stuff was going on in his life and that he needed alone time. If you push too much it'll definitely put him off. If you're perfect for one another I'm sure another opportunity will present itself when his life is less complicated. Link to comment
chloe90 Posted January 29, 2013 Author Share Posted January 29, 2013 I never thought about it like that I was so caught up in feeling sorry for myself and trying to cook up a plan of action that I forgot to consider his circumstances and reasons for not wanting to be involved with me Link to comment
shellyf62 Posted January 29, 2013 Share Posted January 29, 2013 You really need to back off & leave him alone for a while. He has shown that he still likes you by giving you the card & texting to see how you are, but you have also shown him that you have a clingy side that can be really scary to guys. Maybe let things be til you are back at work? If he texts you reply to him, but dont chase him. Show him you are less clingy & that you are ok with not texting him constantly. When you get back to work keep the craziness at bay. Let him come to you, show him you are worth his time & effort. He sounds like a lovely guy, I hope things work out for you. Link to comment
chloe90 Posted January 29, 2013 Author Share Posted January 29, 2013 I hope you're right! I thought maybe he was just being friendly for the sake of working with me, but he gave me the card when he didn't have to do that and he works in the workshop and I work on reception so if he didn't want to see me or speak to me he could quite easily avoid me without it seeming strange. I need to go back to being laid back and fun to be around then gradually show him I'm still interested but in a casual way and of course learn to keep the craziness at bay!! I hope it works out too I'm so keen on him and I don't usually get like this over*guys haha!! Link to comment
calichick007 Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 He told you he isn't interested in dating you anymore... can't get much more clear than that. I think your neediness and insistence got him to that point of not wanting to pursue anything with you, so pushing or doing anything at all is only going to push him further away. Do nothing. Sometimes absolutely nothing is the best thing to do. Link to comment
chloe90 Posted January 30, 2013 Author Share Posted January 30, 2013 I know I have to leave things alone and do nothing for a while as hard as that is - but I care about him too much to give up on this completely and I just have this feeling that we're right for each other. Things were so amazing before and we were so into each other before I spoiled it with my neediness - I can't stop thinking that if I get that under control then there could be a chance of winning him back and trying again Link to comment
chloe90 Posted February 2, 2013 Author Share Posted February 2, 2013 I think I've made things worse. I was trying to do no contact but I decided to send him a friendly text last night. I ended up inviting him round to watch a film on Sunday night. He hasn't text back. I feel so stupid now. It was too soon to ask him what can I do now? Link to comment
darthbreezy Posted February 2, 2013 Share Posted February 2, 2013 Just say it sounded like he had a load of stress and that you were thinking a comedy might give him a break from that for awhile. But you also don't want to lie or manipulate him into an awkward situation, so make sure it's strictly casual, soda and popcorn instead of wine and whatever the hell people have with wine (sex? please excuse my dry humor), and that if he doesn't answer after an explanatory text (two texts in total), then you should just drop it and if he says no, leave it be. Guys are super straightforward most of the time. Either send no more texts this weekend, or go with my previous suggestion but I emphasize, emphasize, emphasize, do not make it a game. Just be a friend. This is a guy you like and if there's potential for a future relationship, it seems like slow and steady will win the race. For example, my boyfriend and I met in March of 2012 but had seen each other around campus. We didn't really like each other and were not in contact any longer by June! Nothing happened, no fight or major disagreement; I just think we didn't make the kind of first impressions that we needed to make in order to secure a relationship. But then we just happened to be in the same coffee shop/tech lounge (we're geeks, leave us be) at the same time in November and really hit it off! I was still in the aftershocks of a major depressive episode around March--I had baggage and no time for a relationship! My point is, if it's not going the way you want it to now, it might in the future--but not magically! With change, personal growths, etc. I wish you the best and would like to leave you with one more thought: don't pursue this guy so long and hard at the wrong time that you miss another opportunity with someone else who IS ready for the kind of relationship you want. Link to comment
calichick007 Posted February 2, 2013 Share Posted February 2, 2013 I think I've made things worse. I was trying to do no contact but I decided to send him a friendly text last night. I ended up inviting him round to watch a film on Sunday night. He hasn't text back. I feel so stupid now. It was too soon to ask him what can I do now? Chloe, you HAVE to stop asking what you can do. Don't you see that every time you do something, it gets worse and worse and worse??? I don't want to sound harsh, but you have 3-4 threads going on this, and every single person who has responded tells you the same thing - do. nothing. Nothing. The more you push, the more uncomfortable/freaked out you're going to make him. He's probably silent now because you've put him in a very uncomfortable position. If he doesn't answer or tells you no, he looks like the bad guy. If he says yes and comes as a friend, it will give you false hope despite the fact that he's been clear about not wanting to date you. Do you see the position you've put him in? If you cared about him as much as you say you do, you would respect his decision not to pursue you and stop pushing. Link to comment
calichick007 Posted February 2, 2013 Share Posted February 2, 2013 I wanted to add.... he seems like a nice guy who is trying to protect your feelings, so he may come as a friend. If he does, do whatever you have to do to keep things light and not freak out on him again. Link to comment
chloe90 Posted February 2, 2013 Author Share Posted February 2, 2013 Thank you so much. I'm nearly crying as I read your reply because I finally understand. Me contacting him constantly is making things worse. I was trying to be light and friendly but I am not ready for that yet, and he knows that I still have feelings for him so he wouldn't even want to see me outside work at all incase I get the wrong idea and think it's all back on just because he agrees to see me. I love him so much but I see now that I cannot DO anything to fix this. I have to let him go. Thank you again x Link to comment
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