Letting Go But Not?

[hiddenkiss6]

This morning I woke up and I was absolutely grief-stricken. A month and a half since a break up and I still wasn't even close to okay. When he left me, I seriously thought there'd be a chance of making up, but before I got the chance to see him again, he started dating a girl he'd had history with for a while. When I found out, it was like breaking up all over again. Then I decided that he probably needed to figure out where things were going with her, and he should have his chance, and I'd wish him the best; but of course that wasn't me giving up. I still hoped that one day it'd work out, I just had to wait it out; I missed him, I was always trying to prove something to him, I prayed that they'd break up soon. Don't get me wrong, I wanted him to be able to figure things out, but...I wanted it to go faster. I'd jump on any opportunity I got to see him, I wanted to make him miss me, I planned on getting close to him again.

 

I completely broke down, because I missed him so desperately and there was nothing I could do about it. What made it worse was that I had started dating him at the beginning of my first semester in college (stupid, I know) and thus failed to make any of my own friends. I had 2 close friends from high school, and a few others, but I'm a very outgoing and social person and it bothers me when I don't constantly have something to do or someone to do things with. I've been uncomfortable about my social situation for a while now, but it really got emphasized when I stopped getting to spend all my time with him. Anyways, I was frustrated, angry, helpless, desperate, and I couldn't understand why things couldn't just be good. I'm still not sure, but it's hard for me to stay too down for too long.

 

I tend to come to the best conclusions when I'm at my lowest because sad doesn't suit me well. I ended up thinking of one of my past relationships that was never really a relationship; we were friends with benefits. What happened between us was that I was coming out of a really horrible break up and looking for someone new, and I liked him. I thought I was ready for a relationship, but I really wasn't, and as a result, I ended up turning him down when he finally asked me out. Still, we still held hands, kissed, acted like a couple in every sense, except nothing was ever really there. This went on for a few months, but eventually he got tired of the inconsistency and he started dating someone else. I was a little irked by it, but honestly, it was fine. I had my own things I had to deal with and I felt bad for leading him on. We stopped talking after that, not on purpose exactly, just because. A few months passed, and I worked on figuring myself out, and things were fine; eventually, they broke up. A few weeks later he started talking to me again. I was really happy to hear from him and he was happy that I was happy; turns out, he thought I was angry at him for dating someone, and I thought he thought I was a ***** and/or ****. We started talking all the time again and then one night there was a moment when we got close to kissing; the next day we talked about it and eventually decided to continue our fwb relationship. It was really nice, and there was never any bitterness. It ended because I left for college and he went into the military, but we still talk occasionally and I love that I have absolutely no negativity about the whole thing, and I don't think he does either.

 

Now fast forward to my current situation, which in all honesty isn't all that different, except this time the guy means the world to me. He's the first person I've ever considered being with forever, and it took only 3 months to get me to that point. As a person, I absolutely love him; I wouldn't say I'm in love yet, but I could have been. So obviously I've been much more invested, and as a result, this break up has torn me apart. What I decided today was that I need to let it go. I mean, of course I've thought that and have been told that many times, but I never thought I could, because letting go meant giving up and that meant forever; I can't bring myself to stop caring, so I didn't think letting go was possible. But maybe it doesn't have to be so cut and dry. I realized that right now, I need to forget about him; I can't try to be friends, I can't keep hoping for chances to be with him, that can't be my life because I can't possibly get in a good place like that. So I'm done being patient, I'm resigning to distance myself and move on. That doesn't mean my feelings have disappeared, I guess I'm just kinda pushing a pause button. I want to feel how I felt when my fwb got in a relationship. One day, things are going to get figured out. My ex might stay with his girlfriend forever, but if that's the case, I'll meet someone, I'm sure. Chances are though, it won't work out forever. I don't think my ex and I can be friends though, until we get the chance to be around each other when we're both single. Then the chance for feelings redeveloping is there; if they don't come back, we're friends. If they do, we can try again. And if they're back for one of us but not the other, then we're going to have to be done with any sort of relationship. But none of that is going to be a sure thing until he's single again. The only other option for something between us is if we reconnect after we're both in serious relationships, but I think that's a lot less likely.

 

It's liberating to stop pining after him and let myself just be. Of course I'm still not in the greatest place in my life, but I have options for things to do about it. Also, I'm no longer trying to prove anything. So what if I'm not always with someone? Why can't I be alone sometimes? And what if I don't feel like being in a relationship right now, but I also don't feel like hooking up with totally random people? It's my choice, it's my life, and the only person who is allowed to judge it is me. It's not like everything is solved of course, but I feel better. I know this is really long, but I wanted to tell someone completely. I hope someone finds it helpful somehow.