I feel stuck. Not sure what to do..

[bean27]

Let me just give some sort of insight. I met my ex boyfriend 6 years ago. We met and it was an instant bond. We actually lived 500 miles apart. He lived in Florida & I lived in Georgia. At the time we met, he was up visiting friends. At the time, I was 21 and he was 19. In my eyes, we have always been much more mature for our ages which is something I admired. To add before I continue, 2 months prior to meeting me, he ended a 2yr relationship. I knew about her as she would "make herself known" as we called it. A couple months after meeting, he decided to move to Ga to be with me. It was incredible. We were enamoured by one another. Half way into our relationship he told me that he and his ex talked.(she in Fl) At first I respected it because I understood closure was needed. Afterwards her contact with him increased and my trust decreased. I trusted him, it was her I didn't. I knew of her ways through others and had no reasons not to trust him.

 

A year after living in Ga, he was itching to go back to Fl and asked if I wanted to go. Most certainly! It still is the best decision I have made. About 8 months after being there, our relationship was really amazing. We lived 5mins from the beach and are very adventurous people. I didn't really have concerns of his ex until one day (a day I wish never happened), I looked at his phone. I had never really been the jealous type..as this was my first real long term relationship. I saw a 3 digit # in his phone and it was the ex. For some reason, I was irate. Well.. mainly because he told me I didn't have to worry about her so I trusted him fully. I knew, given their past, he wouldve never given her another chance. So why hide the #?

 

Over the years I learned he did such things to avoid upsetting me. Either that is his biggest flaw or just how men are. The issues with his ex continued, she would "sink her claws back in" and altho he never reacted to it..it held me back. In more ways than I knew. He wouldn't of cheated or been unfaithful..I can say that with more confidence for anything. I have always lived thru emotion, he thru logic. With my trust issues...lead walls to be built. Adding to the instability of our relationship..soon to be the disrespect and lack of intimacy (the latter being my fault..he was always turned on by me no matter what). For the most part..our relationship was solid. We enjoyed the same things, we bonded and we loved each other on an amazing level. It was when my insecurities would get the best of me, which was more often than not..that chipped away at us. And him most importantly.

 

At the 4 year mark, he decided to break up with me. This was more than hard to handle, as I was one to never give up or be the one to call it quits. I couldnt argue with his decision (even tho I did) and we agreed that we would be friends. We didn't hate each other in anyway, it just wasn't working. I, then, found my own place and he had his best friend move in. Ironically, the same guy he was visiting in Ga when he met me. So, as you can imagine..all the people we knew, we had great friendships with. When I moved out I was devastated. He was upset too, and we both cried. After that, I did what I could to 'move on' but keeping in contact was natural for both of us after a month or two. I made friends that I'd spend time with, as well as, hang out with him & hid roommate. Which was always a blast. We reconnected in a different way. Emotionally & physically. And kept it that way for a good while. It was fun and exciting.

 

A year after the break up, we decided to actually be official again. I moved in with the guys and all began well. Until I realized how he became. In the midst of actually being single, he also became a heavy drunk and quite an ass. Not living there, I was unable to see that. To the point where me & the roommate actually kicked him out. The roomate complained of his laziness and we made the mutual decision. Something that was held over my head for a long time. He was clearly going through a phase and it was bad. Upon moving out, we kept things 'what they were'. We were ok with not being together although I wanted it. As usual. Because of the "kicking out" circumstance, he chose to see other people. So I let him. He ended up moving in with a woman he met. He had quite the superficial relationship. As he would admit. It was "just someone to do things with" and she lived on the water. He had an amazing lifestyle. While he was with her, I dated here and there. But it never meant much. I met with him & some friends one night and he was beyond inebriated. I was sickened by his demeanor. And so were our friends. I left him be alone. We had went over a month without seeing each other and when we did..it was as if it were a light went off somewhere. It was comfortable, peaceful. Whoever the drunken person was before, didn't exist anymore. Each time we broke up, it was always hard not to reconnect. We would see each other after a while and get 'that feeling'. Always so passionate. Everything we fought for, that couldnt seem to stay strong when we got together.

 

After that day, we saw each other more. Getting into the late summer of 2012, One day specifically he told me "you feel like home". I knew then he was where I belonged. I still had my jealousy issues, and all my insecurities. The previous ex still made herself known. They were friends and that was accepted. In the fall of 2012, he moved back in. And it was incredible to start. We took things extremely slow, no titles and just really enjoyed it. The roommate eventually moved in with his gf. It seems as tho the better the relationship is going, the worse my trust issues were. I would pry, nag and accuse. And honestly, for no reasons. All the same issues came that were there in the beginning. The sex would be incredible in the beginning and I would no longer want it.

 

He tried so hard to just love me and be the best person for me. And for some reason I did nothing but close myself off in so many ways, and take him for granted. I appreciated him more than life itself, loved every moment of being with him, knew I had no reason not to trust him..but seemed to do nothing but dwell on the negativity. He would always stay positive. I know that a lot of my insecurities came from my unstable childhood and I let him know I was aware if my issues..I just never did anything. Why?

 

Our friends over the years always said to separate. We never truly did. I feel as tho we ran each other into the ground. That we loved each other and worked but just at the same time, didn't work. It is heart breaking to know how I made him feel. In November of 2012, the lease if our apt was to be up. In this month I really did make an effort to work on some things. But given the extent, it wasn't a quick process. He worked on things that I wasn't happy with and so in turn he thought I could just as quickly. Mine were personality flaws..his were more things as help with the apt, be a little more romantic. He then decided he could no longer take anymore. As usual, I knew his reasons but I was always so willing to fight.

 

This time around I decided to move back home to Ga. This was something I discussed with him and he felt as tho it would be healthy. For me and us. As did my family and friends. It was, to say the least, a devastating idea to comprehend. My plan was to go away for about 6 months, returning to Florida in April/may. I truly needed to get away. Despite that.... All I know is in Florida as it had been for the last 5years. He was all I knew for 6yrs. And in my mind, I was ok with that. We always joked about "you know I wanna marry you" and it is something we both knew was true. We just had one broken relationship. Terribly broken. By the end of November we seemed to go from "I support you, this is good" to "I f-n hate you". He seemed to pull away the closer it got to the time for me to move and it made me beyond angry. Why wasn't he sad? Why was he supportive when the decision was made? It made me resort to being the over emotional, nagging person. I worried about the future like I always did and he kept telling me to stop putting the cart before the horse. I was originally worried he would get cold like he usually did after break ups and he told me this time was different. And he ended up being just so. The cart went before the horse on its own!

 

The goodbye was the most intense experience I have ever felt. I can't describe what it did to me. I could see it in his eyes that it was just as intense. I don't think either of us knew what to think. Since my time away I have let my emotions get the best of me. Texting too much, texting too soon about emotional relationship talk. I was worried he would meet someone else. All the things I knew I shouldnt do. He isn't one to initiate texting because he is better at dealing with these things than I am. We would talk here and there without me lashing out emotionally. Sometimes be sexual with the texting.

 

And then I noticed the texts being brief. So I simply asked if he was seeing someone. That I didn't want to step on any toes. He said I'm not stepping on toes, but he was seeing someone. To say I was crushed is an understatement. It's been 2 months. I told him its a coincidence with that being the time frame he met me after his previous ex and he agreed. But he said this time is different, that they have much more common ground. That she isn't 21 and he's not 19. That its much more reasonable and mature, and he doesn't want to mess it up. I think at this point, that cart is long gone and the horse is lost too because what I "assume" in his eyes seems to happen.

 

"Seeing someone" after two months? After 6 years, I know people heal differently and I have read site after site. Seeked advice from all over. But 2 months? I know that my actions were far from desirable and I am to blame if that pushed him away. I know that it is probably extremely nice as most new relationships are. I asked him if he could be friends with me and he said he can. But with the limitation to not mess up anything he has with anyone. Which I can't help but to respect. He also said that what happens with us would be pure coincidence and fate. Given our past, I feel as tho its a lesser evil of sorts to say we can be friends. Barely talking is hard enough.

 

I am just beyond the point of at a loss. I keep reminding myself of how he is. Which is genuinely a wonderful person. I know that he cares deeply for me and always will. It's hard to imagine him shunning me, As he just doesnt do that.... and I understand giving him space. I told him my priority in knowing him is respecting him and if he's serious with someone, respect her too. Something I feel I never had from his previous ex. I mean who knows the status if what he has going on. To not talk to him feels wrong. Doesnt he want to know how I am? Doesn't he wonder? I know I don't give him a chance to by contacting him. And I know he deserves to be happy. As do I. But I also know that seeing him would be inevitable when I go back. Will it be how it always is when we break up? Was this finally it? What happened to the hope he had before I moved? Will not talking to him make him miss me like everyone says?

 

I have nothing but time and distractions. I just need some genuine outside advice. Going back will be tough as I don't know what to expect. It's hard with our friends being mutual. There's no telling how things will be for him then. But I told him, I really just want some peace with him, a solid peaceful foundation. That isn't broken or corrupted. I have been doing my best to focus on me, keep up with classes, working out, being around family. All that I know what to do. And I know that he is doing what to do to heal. I'm just terrified to lose him completely. My goal is to not talk to him for a month. I can't say if he will or wont contact me. Friends say I should move on, some say just give him space, work on myself..see what happens. But its grueling. Beyond painful and discouraging

 

I apologize for this long post. But I felt the need to describe all that I could. Any advice would be wonderful.

[bean27]

To add one thing, given the pattern..I do not feel as though what I say has any affect on him at this point. He wears a very hard shell and I know on the inside he's very soft. He doesn't give into my over emotional raves anymore so I can never really tell how he feels. In person its a different story. He's told me he's focusing on doing things that make him happy. That its ok to feel how you do about someone and keep it aside while you do heal. He says that tho and then ends up seeing someone he seems really into. And after finally reaching a point where I can accept the situation in itself, I find that out. It's like the grieving process has restarted. But I keep the hope of a peaceful foundation. It would be outstanding to have. And I don't think he would disagree with that aspect.