Am I unique? weird? or are there others like me out there?

[thorpe]

I've been divorced for 16 years, haven't had an "intimate relationship" with anyone since and still have a gentle feeling of missing my ex-wife. In most other respects I'm successful; good job, financially secure, active with close friends and a good social life, but I haven't been able to move past the marriage and commit to anyone else. I don't obsess about it and now have what I think is a happy life, but it's pretty weird and over the years I think I've accepted that my particular emotions and present ability to live a single lifestyle were probably a large part of why my ex divorced me. I have some contact with her via Facebook and Christmas cards, but it is sporadic and cursory. Just wondering if anyone is similar.....or if I'm "special".

[throwaway13]

You ARE special, because you don't NEED someone to complete you. That goes in the plus column, not the minus. Be proud of that and who you are.

[iamkaylee]

No, you're not unique. There's quite a few of us declared singletons out there. A full and happy life doesn't require an intimate partner. For some people it does, and I think most, but not all.

 

I think the real question is, are you happy being single and prefer to be that way, or is the fact that "you haven't been able to move past the marriage and commit to anyone else" a problem and something that's holding you back.

[thorpe]

I think the real question is, are you happy being single and prefer to be that way, or is the fact that "you haven't been able to move past the marriage and commit to anyone else" a problem and something that's holding you back.

 

I think my friends see it as an issue. I'm not just single, I don't even date. Every so often one of them (invariably female) will attempt some match making. I think that there are pluses and minuses to being single and I would worry about not being able to love anyone new. But for me the independence is important, I joke with a friend that the thing I fear most in life is a 529 plan. As I said I still find myself missing my ex, usually at events like weddings or when I'm on vacation and I see or do something I know she'd enjoy, but it's bitter sweet now and isn't a day to day thing.

[iamkaylee]

Well, I'm not so different except my friends know better then to try fixing me up with someone. My independence is very important to me and I honestly don't think I'm the "greatest relationship material" out there. I like my space and my quiet, need it in fact. I'd need an extremely secure and independent partner for it to work and not many people want what I do, much less would be willing or able to handle it.

 

I've been divorced a long time too. He doesn't cross my mind often any longer and when he does, it's never in a good way. I did have a relationship of about 4 years since then and I will say, him, I do miss in the same way you miss your ex wife. That was something we both fell into though, and even though I did love him, I was never really happy. I felt stifled, judged and caged.

 

I think my first thread here was very similar to what you're asking here. I don't date, really have no desire to, have no desire to get married or cohabit again. I am content with the way things are and for the most part happy.

[Monkey ai]

Nothing is wired, but I do agree that you need to know if you want to be alone or have partner... I am very independent, but after so many years as single( I do have relationships, but never was big part of my life) until few years back, I realized that I really want a partner in my life but I am afraid, I only want strong side of me to show in public eye.

 

you have to really ask yourself, what you are looking for in life, you are seems still hold of the memory of your ex wife quite bit, I am not sure that is healthy, you might want to see a therapist,to find out who you are... I have friend done that... human is very complicated, sometime we hide so much things, that we do not know ourself any more, you only have one life, you do not want own youself anything!

[iamkaylee]

I realized that I really want a partner in my life but I am afraid, I only want strong side of me to show in public eye.

 

That's something you would have to address and work on Monkey. I realized much the same about myself some years back. The difference for me I think is that I really don't want a partner (right now anyway) because I am no longer willing to compromise or give up what I want in life.

 

you have to really ask yourself, what you are looking for in life, you are seems still hold of the memory of your ex wife quite bit, I am not sure that is healthy,

 

@ OP, I agree. It's been sixteen years. It's past time to let go those memories of her and move on. You will never know if you'd be able to love again unless you're willing to try. You could be missing out on a whole lot and it does sound like you're missing companionship and intimacy.

[thorpe]

 

@ OP, I agree. It's been sixteen years. It's past time to let go those memories of her and move on. You will never know if you'd be able to love again unless you're willing to try. You could be missing out on a whole lot and it does sound like you're missing companionship and intimacy.

 

I think of my ex fondly and will think of her at special events when I'm on my own, but in daily life she's never on my mind and I cherish my freedoms. It's good to know that there are others out there that are confirmed singles too.

[iamkaylee]

Nothing wrong with fond memories or a bit of nostalgia. We all have those from time to time and it's far different from being hung up on someone or stuck in the past.

 

It sounds like you're in a good place thorpe

[meczam]

I've been divorced for 16 years.. still have a gentle feeling of missing my ex-wife.. I haven't been able to move past the marriage and commit to anyone else.

 

You're divorced 16 years- not by your choice, and you're unable to move past the marriage and get involved with someone else and you still miss your exwife.

 

Yes, that's unusual, and quite unhealthy.

 

Call it "special" if you want, it's just a word. Doesn't change the fact that you've got some serious issues that aren't going away with time.

 

It's good to know that there are others out there that are confirmed singles too.

 

Why is it good to know that others might be like you?

 

Doesn't make your own situation any better.

 

It's like someone dying of cancer saying "Well at least there are others out there with cancer too" or someone with a mental disorder saying "well at least I'm not institutionalized in a straight jacket getting electroshock therapy".

 

So what?

 

Fix yourself. Forget about everyone else with similar or worse problems.

[BrokenTinMan]

 

Why is it good to know that others might be like you?

 

Doesn't make your own situation any better.

 

It's like someone dying of cancer saying "Well at least there are others out there with cancer too" or someone with a mental disorder saying "well at least I'm not institutionalized in a straight jacket getting electroshock therapy".

 

So what?

 

Fix yourself. Forget about everyone else with similar or worse problems.

 

There's many things wrong with your response and your post in general. So being single is akin to having cancer or being insane?

 

If you read the OP's post, he acknowledges that MOST people need a partner to grow old with. He feels sufficient and whole enough on his own. I think his question is addressed to other singles who feel like they are happy as individuals, not as part of a unit.

 

OP to that I say, whatever makes you happy and content. Society may tell you that you need a significant other to be happy, but society shouldn't run your life. Like another poster, there are those who value independence and the feeling of not being stifled. I came out of a long term relationship and I'm starting to realize and appreciate the simplicity and control of independence. I may not always feel this way but understand why some people choose to live without a romantic partner.

[catfeeder]

I've never married. I like the 'idea' of a relationship better than any of mine have actually turned out. I'm open to a good relationship, and I feel optimistic, but without urgency. I understand that it frustrates people who love me that coupling hasn't been a priority for me, but for the right guy, it will be.

 

And I understand your fondness for remembering your ex. There are certain life situations that can bring that up. I think it makes you sentimental, and that's lovely.

 

However, that said, if you sense that you're 'held back,' then trust your own assessment. There are some pretty smart professionals who are trained to help people work past the 'hold'. It might be interesting for your own head just to go there and take a closer look.

[soSueMe]

My first question to you would be, are you using pornography and other obsessions/addictions as your "surrogate" spouse? I met my current husband after he'd been divorced for 18 years from his first wife. He'd had one other long-term relationship that never went anywhere. We met, had many long conversations, and it seemed I was new and exciting to his life and filled him up quite a bit. Friends and family told him he looked 10 years younger after we met. We married and within two years I found out that his old ugly porn habit had peeked its ugly head into our relationship during several different time periods starting right after we moved in together. We are in the process of divorce now, and he is seeing a psychologist who claims he has low-self esteem and emotional-incest issues with his family of origin. His life-long use of pornography and other psuedo-obsessions has kept him from ever learning how to be intimate (emotionally) with real people. I hope that's not you. If it is, I'd suggest learning a lot about yourself before you impact an unsuspecting someone else in a relationship.