How Can I Help?

[alona125]

My boyfriend just received some horrible news on Monday.

His first girlfriend, and child-hood friend, died suddenly at the age of 33. They are not sure if it was suicide, or just too much Tylenol, but whatever, he is devastated.

 

We have only talked on the phone about twice a day since her death, but he hasn't asked me to come over or be with him in person. He only wants to see friends right now that knew her.

 

I guess I am a little confused as to why he doesn't want me to come over and be with him. If someone I loved died, I would want him to be with me the majority of the time.

 

I was stupid, and we got into an argument about it. I feel awful, because my intentions were not selfish, I just was confused as to what he wanted me to do. Call, not call, etc.

 

I guess my question is for those who have ever experienced something like this. How should I behave?? I want to be there for him in every way possible, but I don't know how if he isn't coming to me that much lately.

 

Thanks.

[Scout]

Wow, that's a tough one. I am not sure why he is shutting you out, either. Did he talk to her on a regular basis? How long have you been going out with him? In general, do you have a pretty solid relationship?

[crookster_man]

Well I don't know the history between them or between you two. But I understand what he is doing. Generally when somoene passess away we want to be with people who can share in their memory. They can get together, tell stories and reminise.

 

Also he might feel bad that he is so upset by this and doesn't want you to see him like that since he is with you now. Maybe he feels that you wouldn't understand his mourning for an Ex when he is happy with you. But I'm sure you know that a person can love someone and still grieve over the death of a past love.

 

I would recommend you give him his space, let him know that you will be there for him when he is ready. Give him time. If it continues for a very long time, maybe that's a different story. For now just let him be, but let him know you are there if he needs you.

[alona125]

Scout,

 

Thanks for your reply.

He talked to her about once a month or so. She lived in Atlanta, he lives in LA.

We have been going out for 10 months. We do have a pretty solid relationship, or at least I thought. I am just so confused why he didn't want me to be there with him. I confronted him with it, and he got very upset, saying this is not about me, and to stop making it about me. I was very hurt by that, that he thinks its selfish. That is not my intention, but he will not understand that.

He told me he wanted me to come up this weekend, and to just calm down. I want to be there for him so much, but I am afraid for our relationship.

[alona125]

crookster_man,

 

Thanks so much. He did tell me that I wouldn't want to see him right now because all he is doing is being bummed on his couch.

 

I will just try my best at being there for him in HIS way. Everyone grieves differently I guess.

[Scout]

Crookster's advice is good. You might even ask your boyfriend if he needs another weekend to himself - tell him you thought about it and realized this was a terrible shock to him. And that of course if he needs a little more time, that you'll understand.

[sonjam]

I totally agree with crookster_man. I have been through the same thing, and I know it would only upset you if you were around where they would only be talking about her, and their relationships with her, everything before your time.

 

I know how much you want to be with him, but you have to back off a bit, and give him time to grieve, remember you don't have to worry about your relationship with him, she's not here anymore remember?? but do however be supportive, and at the end of this, you will have a stronger relationship becouse of it.

 

And also remember, he is not this way to hurt you or shut you out, it is a personal thing, and he will get over it. Best way to look at it is to put yourself in his shoes. Be honest and think if you lost a recent boyfriend and childhood friend, how would you react? If it was me, (and I'm a girl) I would do what your boyfriend is doing! In part it is to have time to myself to grieve, and in part it would be to save your feelings.