I'm going to ruin my relationship!

[ladylovex]

Me and my boyfriend have always had a rocky relationships and have recently got back together after a long relationship. We share a child together and it all happened very fast. Been together 2 years. He broke up with me because i was over bearing, paranoid, jelous and constantly accusing him of cheating. Since getting back together it seems all these issues were behind us - but now they're back. Everytime he gets a text i think it's another girl, checks his facebook i think he's looking at other girls or goes anywhere without me i imagine him with other people. Even when I hear story of friends being cheated on I imagine him doing exactly the same things. It's getting out of control and I need it to stop before i ruin the whole relationship! How do I stop it?!

[SpottiOtti]

Has he cheated on you in the past? Has anyone else?

 

I have heard other posters say that thought-stopping was somewhat effective for this type of issue. I believe you could find information on the net about it, if you are interested.

[ladylovex]

Nope never been cheated on. x

[SpottiOtti]

Where do you think the jealousy comes from?

[ladylovex]

When we first met it was at college. I didnt fancy him or want to get with him, all that came later on. He was sleeping with one of my mates, so that might be it. Also, he still hangs out with his ex girlfriend of 6 years. They have to hang out as they're in the same social group, they have both been forced to remain friends but he doesnt like her in the slightest. This is also the only man i've ever loved and i'm petrified of losing him!

[SpottiOtti]

When you get anxious over the text alert going off - who are you picturing on the other end doing the texting?

[ladylovex]

This girl that he and his ex used to hang out with. They got talking when we had split up. She hasnt bothered talking to him since we got back together, I;m convinced she wanted to get with him, most of the time it's just his dad or mate from work

[SpottiOtti]

It sounds as though you are feeling insecure about yourself to begin with, because you were the one who got broken up with, and you're the one who's supposed to be "fixing" her problem. The "fixing" implies that there is something wrong with you that needs to be fixed, which has got to do a number on your self-esteem in addition to getting dumped in the first place.

 

Then you've got this girl who was interested in your man while you two were split up. If I were you, I'd probably be comparing her to myself and especially on the jealous behavior front. And imagining that she's this sweet girl who never gives her man grief, that she is perfectly reasonable and the antithesis of me. And wondering, If I have all these issues that need to be fixed, and this girl is a clean slate, why is he with me and not choosing her? Is he truly devoted to me and not just with me for the sake of our child?

 

All of those thoughts and feelings would contribute further to my insecurity about myself and about the relationship. Which would lead to more jealous, insecure behavior.

 

Any of this true for you?

[pinkelephant]

Self control..? You're not helpless to yourself. Don't let your insecurity get the best of you. When these thoughts come up, tell yourself that you're just being insecure. It helps to talk it over with him when you feel it coming. Hug him or something. I smother him in kisses when I feel bad, but don't do it if he doesn't like it. My bf and I love being affectionate, so it works. Find something that works for both of you to kind of reinforce the idea that he loves you when you don't feel so good.

 

Or joke around to just forget it. Distract yourself.

[Batya33]

It also might help to consider that it's not healthy for your child to have a nervous/anxious mother or, later, to pick up on your mistrust of her/his father.