Ineed advice ....is this normal ......why me

[Valerie Saba]

its along story but ill try to make it a short as possible ...............

i met him when we was in high school we ended up being good friends , and kept in contact even when he moved back to ny, throough out dat time we grew feelings for each other , i found out when he didnt want me to go to the prom with a guy that he was intrested in me . he always had a low self esteem since when he was younger he us to be picked at and bullied for being over weight and i was the gurl all guys wanted to hook up with or my brothers friends wanted to hook up with , i always had lil boyfriends from the time i can remember , but never serious enough , never had feelings for them like i had for him in fact he ended up being my first and i ended up being his first . after 3 years of talking , visiting each other and planning to live together i finished high school and planned to go to europe to finish my studies , but he convienceds me that its better we move in together , marry , work and study ....do everything to gether , we knew it would take sacrifice and time but , i though we both where on the same page as far as being out going people , and keeping our words as far as accomplisshing our goals , knowing he came from a house dat was kind of destructive ( his mom was alchoholic and lesbian not dat it mattered to me dat she was lesbian but it did to him ) she stilll lived with her ex lover in the same house nad his sisters would aways get into troubles or pregnant , they all had diffrrent fathers so they didnt have a very close relationship they can talk like 2 times every 6 months , which is one of the reasons i warned him lets not move in together cuz ur situation ,do it because you want to be with me ,not to escape your troubles , he assured me no that that was the best way to form a relation ship .

 

at that time i was living in my moms house , so we agreed well well be at my moms house for a couple months until we have enough to get an apartment , he got a job we got married (civil ) now through out dat time thier were little things he would do taht i would find weird but i woud try to put it past , like say something then say he never said it , xnage his mind alot , very lazy , didnt wnat to study no more , drink , i would envite him to dinner with family and after the dinner he would say a rude or negative comment towards my family for no reason , which would lead us to arguing . maybe he was under stress , but in my head if he wanted us to move out stop complaing and act on it ,save your money and lets improve the situation , finally one day we have a argument we dont talk for 2 days , the tax money comes and instead of getting a car like we planned he signs up at the gym a two year member ship that takes almost all the 3,000 dollars , thanks to the advice of a friend he meets at work , a 35 year old man that lives with his mom thats 4,5 ft , that use to be a club bouncer , and left his stripper wife with the house(ex) because he caught her in bed with another , the same friend dat drinks alot since his heart was broken and will give yo u the wrong advice on a relationship , when he cant even maintain a relationship after what happened to him .well soon as he met taht friend everything changed , from the way he talked , walk everything his friend would hit the gym , and be khaky , well he wanted todo the same , we never spent any time together after dat his friend was first, im supried i didnt cheat i had alot of time in my hand ... , my friend said that , he said dat , i would hear his friends name in everything its like he wanted to be him completely , which lead us to arguments , after a while everything we set out to do he wouldt do it he didnt want to look for a better job , get a car , study nothing just show up drunk , and go to car festivals, and talk about our personal life to that one friend and sit with his friend and the gurl companions he would bring around him.

 

we argued so much by dat time ( after 2 yrs of living together ) he didnt have a personality of his own , his friend told him to move out and live close to him , one after noon he packs his **** after arguing over the same **** ( how he is nothing he said out to be )and leaves with his friend.

 

after moving with his friend he would come from time to time , some times drunk ( remind you he would say hed never drink because he comes from a family of drunks ), blaming me for making him moving out and threatning me with getting a divorce just to see my face sad o crying , telling me how he regrets moving out because his friends are not who they turn out to be and how we willl fix things but then when i woud call he would say his confused and is used to living by himself. i was crying in depression, i stopped eating , the world was about to end , blaming my self . some times hell stop by well dressed fresh out of partying just to come and pick up the mail that was at his name , tahts when i realised , no ones gonna care about me like i care about my self , while im crying my heart out his out their living it up and when the parties over his gonna want to act like everythings ok . well i called him and asked for the divorce ....and boy he didnt see dat coming after 2 months of me cursing him out , calling him , him trying to convince me that he wants to get bac for real this time and he doesnt want a divorce , i made him give me the divorce i signed the paper, i was done tired and numb , after 4 -5 months of mind games ......i had lost soo much weight , i would forget to eat .

 

 

after 2 years of practically not talking cause all he would do is call when his drunk to blame me or try to get back , he went to the army in the base in germany ( when he realised he was lazy and he mest u as far as the kind of advice he took from his friends that played a big role in us seperating ) and i went to study in europe in another part not near germany , he called me and wanted me to move in with him knowing he was seeing other women , i really got turned off , he wanted me to visit him , teling me he changed and realized but the fact that he was seeing other people who he considerd ****s , (he say they didnt mean anything to him he wantd me in his life ) really put me off especially since we was each others first . so i chose not to go , so he cursed me out, toled me awful things and stop calling me .

through out that time iv tried putting it behind it hurts alot but i look forward i really cared about that person as afar as a friend because he was one of my best friends , but dats where he failed me the most. ive tryed dating but havent had any sexual contact with any body( i wonder if its because of what i went through? its a mental issue as far as trust ) just had lots of good looking guys throwing their selves at me but havent met one i feel i connect with , and im always the girl who is turned on by the mental connection not the out side .i keep my self busy with my studies , im almost done i talk to guys i do everything right but i always have a moment in the day where i think about him ( dont know why knowing he doesnt deserve me )a year ago he tried to contact me by fb i egnored him and blocked him , about a month ago my brother gives me his fb code and tell s me to clean the messages and up date it for him since hell be out of town for a week i always knew he talk to my brother in a way but after i saw the conversation and his facebook

it really crushed me i couldnt even focuse on my exams , he was asking about me and my mom wanting to know what i was doing in what counrty im in , but yet talkig about how he was flirting with this girl and yet in his facebook he has a weird phrase next to his name dat sais .....die dreaming , and he post pictures of the country im originaly from, and a drawing he did when we was together of a girl crying .. , so this kinda bring bac feelings of wishing i can care for tat person or wanting to be their but i know it woud never work so i dont answer it and i choose to move on i just wish dat after soo many years 3 or more of egnoring him i can move on not feeling so sad or bad about the whole situation , why am i this way when i tried my best i know nothing can be fixed everything is broken but i still think about him alot or care i wish i just didnt care as much , i knew what i had but he didnt know what he had till it was gone so why should i be the one with the heart ache .............................how do i move on , how can i move on ? what advice do you have for me, what would you doo if u havent got over some one after that long? iam sad almost all the time it feels like a fresh cut .