Oh god its bad

[DH]

Well, some of you might have read my long post b4 about how I really loved a girl whos my friend but she had a long-term bf who's an #######. Well they broke up as you read and for awhile we were all good.

So the last school social(dance) of the year came around nad i went and while i was there because im really self-conscious about dancing and stuff i kinda sat down for awhile. After a couple of minutes she came and grabbed me by the arm to go dance with her and a bunch of her other friends(mostly guys). But like i said im self-conscious and could barely move and she kinda took it as a bit of an insult. Well after about 10min i couldnt take the embarrassment i slunk out and sat down for a while when one of my friends who im pretty close with grabbed me for a quick dance and i kinda let myself go and danced for awhile then feeling confident i moved back to the 'lucy' but as we started dancin and crap some of her guy friends kinda blocked me out of the circle and i kinda took it as a hit on myself and so iw ent and sat down.

Throughout the night 'lucy' kept coming to get me and takin me to dance with her friends and each time i got pushed out by them and had to go. This was torture cause all i wanted to do was dance with her and couldnt coz of my own stupid self-consciousness. So the night continued for awhile. I was actually pretty depressed by this time so instead of gettin a lift with one of my friends i just walked home half-cryin.

The next day 'lucy' was kinda annoyed at me not dancing with her and how i kept sitting down, she didnt notice everyone pushing me out. So i decided to hatch one of my fiendish plans. (perhaps this might remind you some stuff that Seth would do(off The O.C.), my nickname at school is Seth coz im exactly like him). Well at lunch with sum fresh picked flowers(just for atmosphere) i went up to her, bow'd, offer'd her the flowers, apologized and offered to dance. Well she took the flowers laugh'd a bit(i meant for it to be a bit comical) and declined coz she waz to embarrassed (not really bad embarrassed just self-conscious).

So kinda disapointed i gracefully withdrew. Now the problem was that the depression that came up during the social wasnt going away. I kinda kept falling further into the depression. And my feelings for her were to strong to keep locked up in me so I told some people i could trust. One was my old friend (who was my g/f in preschool {yes, im an early bloomer lol}) the other was 'lucys' best friend who promised on anythin not to tell her (and i was good friends with her so i could trust her).

Well as this depression got worse i found myself tellin more to her best-friend 'julie'. Then 'lucy' told me one day that she liked 'Brad'. Well I decided to tell her that if she really likes him to ask him out. Well, that weekend she did and they got together. Que self-hate. And also que worse depression. It wasn't really that she was going out with 'Brad' it was that now we weren't talkin as much anymore. Then i saw them hugging eachother with their arms around eachother during school and I felt like crawling away and dying. As this was going on I was telling 'Julie' my feelings and 'Lucy' knew quite a bit(not from Julie, just from my behaviour).

Then came probably the darkest time. I was on msn and 'Lucy' came online and told me how she had sex for the first time with 'Brad'. Well, i kinda fell apart completely and because 'Julie' was on I went to her and said "oh plz kill me now This revelation made me want to go drink a cup of chlorine or run into oncoming traffic, if there was a gun next to me I dont think i would have hesitated (this seemed worse because I had just had a bad day aswell). Well after 15 min or so of me n 'Lucy' talking (i wasnt acting normal with her) she told me she was joking....great joke

Well now i was feeling like crap and kept seeing her at school with 'Brad'. Then yesterday I got home and my old friend from preschool told me something. That 'Julie' had told 'Lucy' that when she played the 'sex' joke on me I had said the "kill me now" thing. Well 'Lucy' thought i had been a bit obsessive with her aswell so she was freaking out and when i heard i was freaking out. I rang 'Julie' twice asking her wtf was going on and she said she didn't say anything. Second time i called her she told me she had told 'Lucy' about me being really depressed about it. And now 'Lucy' was feeling really guilty about me being depressed.

'Lucy' felt that she couldn't be happy around me because when she was I was sad. The only time she was happy and I was sad was when her and 'Brad' were hugging and stuff infront of me. I use to be depressed quite alot till I met 'Lucy' then I started to be really happy again when i was talking to her. I was sad when she was sad and happy as long as she was unless she was right infront of me with 'Brad'.

So after I heard about all this with 'Julie' and I decided to talk to 'Lucy' on msn about it. Which meant confessing that I liked her. So we talked about her knowing that I liked her. That she felt she couldn't be happy around me, that she knew I was depressed. She said how she didn't like me more than a friend and that she didn't mean to give any impression of it. I told her I knew that she didn't like me that way and that that was the reason I didnt ask her out when she was single and everyone was telling me to(some of those people were from this forum, not blaming u for bad advice ont he contrary thanks for reading my problem and responding) and that I just loved talking to her.

Well she said that me talking to 'Julie' was pissing off 'Julie' and that it was affecting 'lucy'. So then i deicided to simplify it all and I asked 3 questions. 3 damned questions or pain.

ME: Did you ever like me?

L: neva more than a friendz

ME: Do you like me?

L: not more than a friend

ME: Will you ever like me?

L: never more than a friend

ME: And with that I move aside, have a good time with 'Brad'

L: i will

 

Never felt the sun, see only darkness and destined to death; those questions were, are and always will be the crushing blow to my heart.

The NEVER more than a friend seemed a bit definite. I think it might have been softer if she said 'always as a friend' oh well Then the 'I will' was kinda sealing the deal. After this I had to go to work so we didn't get to finish talking, i think that was a huge mistake. Today I couldn't look at her at school and can't talk to her online. I feel worse than anything you could name.

Well at school today I was talking to one of my friends who is friends with 'Lucy' and she said 'Lucy' was really upset at first break. She said it would be either about her and 'Brad' breaking up or something between us. Well, 'Lucy' didn't break up with 'Brad' and when i did talk to 'Lucy' briefly and awkardly online she said she was stressed and that i contributed to it a bit. Well thats pretty much it, i guess what im asking for is; HELP!!

 

I cant take not talking to her and not being with her. I really just want to sleep forever. Please help i need advice. I'm off to go cry for awhile..

[hurtbylove]

It's ok, the coming days may be dark but it'll get better.

 

This will be a good experience for you, even if it seems really bad now.

 

At least you are the type of person who is able to come out and say your feelings. Imagine if you had years later wondered about this girl and what if you asked?

 

Now you know, now try your best to move on.

 

Though this window is closed, there are still many more to try

[naecha]

hey,

you're only young! You'll find someone else and move on! "Lucy" may even break up with "Brad" and then she might get feelings for you. But seriously, you're young! You will find someone else! I promise! I'm sort of in the same situation! Except that all of that has halted since I was raped..but hang in there! It will all get better..promise!