talking to past exes/flings

[caliboy]

My fiance says it's fine to "catch up" with exes, old flings, etc. I personally think that the past should be left in the past. She says I have a nieve perception on male/female relationships. I think that contacting that part of your past can make things confusing to the people involved. Of course I let her do what she wants, but it leaves me with that gut churning feeling in my stomach.

 

What do other people think about this topic?

[Nocam]

I think it depends on the type of "catching up", while theres really no reason to, unless theyre in some type of predicament together, then whats the point of seeing a fling or ex? You shouldnt automatically question her trust, though. But if shes still so passionate about seeing a person of that type from her past, you should probably take that as a signal. All that energy shes spending worrying about what her past is doing, can be used on problems you two are facing. Theres a difference between being a "hi and bye" friend to an ex, its another thing to start hangin out with them again.

[caliboy]

Well we both agreed that it wold be odd to start hanging out, etc with an ex/old fling. What she did was email an old fling saying hi and catching up.

 

There's a couple things to this though...

 

He's not only an old fling, but he is the best friend of a guy she was with for 5 years (her ex of 3 years ago). Another thing, she didn't tell me she emailed/was contacting this guy. I found out about it from her email account (yes I snooped). When I sort of brought it up and asked her if she's talked to any old flings, exes, etc, she flat out lied and said no. I looked at her email after this conversation and she had deleted the sent message to him.

 

I just think it's weird she lies about it and hides it from me. I would call her on it, but then I'm at fault for looking into her stuff

[Nocam]

well the fact that you snooped shows that she means something to you, so just tell her that if she gets upset. but be sure that your spending all this time on a person that you know has the same feelings for you. The whole reason she could be doing this is because she may have lost/different feelings for you OR it could be that shes just randomly trying to be nice and it means nothing at all. Its a 50/50 chance, so id say just have a talk with her to find her true motives with this, then proceed from there. She probably felt cornered when you approached her about the email so thats probably why she lied. She didnt expect you to know at all, so it mustve caught her off guard. So just find out and im sure youll know what to do.

[cleverme123]

I agree past in the past, I just posted about this. My fiance has an ex that keeps conviently popping up. Now she has a job where he works and he has been coming home late and all. It's funny because you never know when someone will think maybe there is a chance and then it turns into a mess. I personally say leave the exs. They are exs for a reason and they should be left that way. Unexpected problems could arise if she is talking about your relationship to them. Just my personal feeling though.

[caliboy]

I'm nervous to mention anything about that email I found, cause I've confessed to snooping before and she got very upset and angry about it. I don't want to tell her I've done it yet again and possibly put our relationship in jeopardy. I could tell her I snooped cause I care about her, but she'd say 'if you cared about me, you'd trust me and not invade my privacy.'

 

I sort of just want to forget about it, but then I'll be sitting here wondering if she's going to do something else behind my back.

 

Not really sure what to do.

[cleverme123]

I snopped on the email and yes I find myself doing it constantly. Of course mine lies about all of it says the emails never existed. I think his exact words were "you were seeing things" And yes he too got extremely irate told me if I ever go in his email again he will break my hands. I think its an obvious sign because someone who has nothing to hide, HIDES NOTHING! Privacy or not I had to draw the line and that is how I found out he has been sneaking over to her house. Yes they can always get a hidden email, but if they go to such lengths....can you really trust them?

[Cecelius]

She contacted him? That's a little shady, but not that big a deal. If they feel the need to meet and have lunch or something, that's different.

[caliboy]

I agree. It's just an email to catch up, so I don't really care. It's if they start hanging out, etc.

 

She still hasn't admitted to emailing the person, but that's probably because (like Nocam said) she was caught off guard and put on the spot. But she did tell me that there's nothing wrong if she ever did want to catch up with someone from her past.

 

I say the past is the past, but she says she's an adult and a Christian so it's ok to see how people are doing (even if they're an old fling/ex). Part of me wants to believe this, but part of me feels like she might still hold on to some things in her past. Maybe she just has a hard time letting go of certain things. I've gotten the impression from her though, that her ex (although she broke up with him and didn't want to be with him long term) was a great guy and all that. I just hope she feels that way about me too. After all, we're getting married.

 

Another bit of advice to anyone who may be in the same shoes as me, it turns people off if you start investigating them, questioning them, saying things in a way that implies you don't want them to do certain things, hang out/talk to certain people, etc. Especially when it comes to her talking to other guys, etc. Just have to trust her and let her do whatever she wants without concern.

[caliboy]

Cecelius, you're last couple comments at the end of your response make sense to me. I guess I can be insecure at times (although I'd like to eliminate this entirely). The thing is, how do you know if the person you're with is truly over there ex(es) or not? Is there something I can ask or say to find out without directly asking her and possibly getting a dishonest answer?

 

She told me she had talked with her mom the other night about her Dad contacting an ex a few years ago. Her mom said that he would occasionally tell her that he was thinking about contacting his ex, but it's been a few years since he did that last. My fiance has a similar personality to her dad's and I don't want to have to deal with that with her. I leave my exes in the past. I brought this topic up with her yesterday and she got VERY angry, jumping to things like I'm possessive, nieve for not understanding that people can talk even if they've had a past together, etc. I try to see her rational, but I still feel like something's not right with it all.

 

I don't want to overreact. I trust her and she'd never do anything unfaithful. I just didn't know if I should be worried about a girl who makes it clear that she may one day want to contact an old ex.

[Cecelius]

You should never, ever worry, no matter what. IF she does nothing wrong, you have a good girl. If she does something wrong, she's shown what she is and can be dumped.

 

You meed to make sure that she understands that you have zero room for BS, but in a calm way that doesn't come accross as needy or possessive: you like her and enjoy her company till she does something that changes that. Then you walk, no looking back.

 

Personally, if you are describing the facts accurately, she somewhat flew off the handle on her comments. That right there is a reason to tread VERY carefully about getting married: this is what she'll do when she doesn't have legal claim to you. What will she get away with when she does?

 

All of that said, her action was only mildly disrespectful (and you have determined that she wouldn't cheat) -- let her know that, then leave it alone. If she does it again, dump her.

[justagirl20f]

As a general rule, I'd say its not a good idea to "catch up" with exes... Maybe there are special cirumstances, but doing it in secret is inappropriate. For example, my current BF knows that the odd time I've spoken to my ex when he initiated it, and I'm friendly and polite. I don't hide it from him and he has nothing to fear. If I hid it from him, and went behind his back, there would have to be a reason for it (and there arent too many good reasons for it that don't involve inappropriate behaviour, in a situation like this).

 

My BF too every now and then will e-mail or respond to an e-mail from an ex of his. Okay, it irks me a little because I don't snoop so I don't know what they talk about, but because of the way he treats me I can only assume he is being nothing but faithful and honest and heck maybe he even mentioned me once or twice. He doesn't hide it from me, and I don't have to snoop to find out about it. If that were the case, I'd feel different.

 

That said, while genuine "hi how are u?" e-mails aren't an issue, if he were regularly chatting with, calling, or meeting up with his ex (especially alone, but also in groups of other couples that COULD be interpreted as "group dating") I'd have a problem with it. You can't really be friends with someone you've seen naked, hahaha.

 

I suppose if he were hiding things, or if his behaviour started to reflect that he wasn't being faithful, I'd break up with him. In a situation like this, I absolutely WOULD NOT try and discuss with him how much this bugs me, and ask him to please stop seeing her, yada yada yada. If he sees fit to see her as it is, and I had a problem with that, what's to say that my talking to him about it would do anything but encourage him to keep it even more secret to preserve the relationship and prevent any hassle? I guess I'm just of the notion that certain values and morals are inborn into a person. I don't want to be with someone I have to TELL not to see or talk to their ex regularly, I want to be with someone who, like me, feels it would be inappropriate and disrespectful of their OWN accord.

 

JMO.

[mahlina]

I don't know why ex's do this. Why do they want to keep in touch for? Is it for convenience? It's one thing to drop a line and say hi every so often, but it's another thing to extend the conversations. Whenever my ex's call, we catch up on things, but I often tell them "Why are you calling for? We're already done and over with." Of course they're the ones who initially walked out. Obviously they have some kind of alterior motive. So, I don't think that it's necessary to keep in touch with the ex. What for? They already screwed up.

 

About your lady and her keeping in touch with the ex, she needs to realize that this relationship is about you + her, not the ex + her. That's why I don't keep in touch with my ex's. When a person's in a relationship with someone else, it would be disrespectful to have the ex's around, I think.

[nigel]

if im repeating what someone else had written is become i didnt read anyone elses reply on the topic.

 

I think relationships should stay in the past. It over complicates life. lots of people look at TV shows like Eastenders (if u live in the uk) which is a poor misspresentation of what living around Exs /flings is like. After a relationship people can get very bitter. once you have had feelings for someone / something you cant not often move on from them. with what 'if' questions and stuff.

 

I would advice you, to tell her to move on. If you split for a good reason the maybe consider just being mates. but dont panda to her whims if it makes u feel sick there must be feelings there. if u live to closely to the post u will never move on and meet new people.

[ryan14]

hello caliboy

 

i dont really know your fiancee it might be rude for me to judge on things, since you've checked her email account, this is my question DOES YOUR FIANCEE AND HER EX "TALKING INTIMATELY"?

 

if the answer is "YES" i would call this Verbal Infidelity, you see infidelity is any relationship conducted in secrecy that you would not want your lover to know the true nature of, the only solution here is to communicate what you feel about these matters, just tell her that it really is hurting you.

 

and if the answer is "NO" then you should just relax and you dont need to worry. she's just flaunting to her ex flings that she found a great guy (YOU) and she'll get married soon (just my opinion).

 

always make things positive for her so that she wont look back in the past, good luck and keep us posted

[ReadyorNot]

I also believe that the past should be left in the past... there is no reason to be "catching up" with an ex.. unless you have children together and you just speak to arrange visitations

[summerdreams]

Well, the only way i still see my exe's is because they go to school with me...so when i run into them I say hi.

 

Then, there is an exe who i keep in touch with and i know the only reason he's calling me and so on is because he still has feelings.

 

Then there is another exe of mine who i only see because i still have feelings for.

 

So I'm sure your fiance doesn't have feelings for any of them, but maybe they do...I don't know. i used to think there was nothing wrong with catching up with the exe's but there's always one person who wants something.