How to become less dependent? Tips/experience etc

[aw1992]

Hi all,

 

I think I need to become less dependent on my boyfriend, don't get me wrong i love him dearly and want to be with him for hopefully many many more years to come.

 

But I think i've made him the centre of my world without realising and i guess this has led to times where i feel resentful that the same amount of attention i give isn't always returned...like he will sometimes go really really long periods without contact or even a message. I understand that this is normal, he knows he 'has me' and i won't go anywhere etc etc

 

And I guess I want to step away from that, I want to get to a place where he doesnt have such an affect on me, i think i really have lost myself in love. However I fear one thing- that is if I start to back off i'm worried he'll think something is wrong with me and that I'm not interested in him anymore. I tried it today, I didn't contact him because I feel he may think im too clingy but he ended up calling to ask if i was okay. I love it when he notices stuff like this but it worries me that whenever i try to back of it will make him feel insecure yet i know it may be better if i do for myself in the long run, especially because i don't want to put pressure on him that without him i will crumble. I guess i'm now realising that a healthier relationship would be one where i'm not always thinking about him and that i'm content with myself as i used to be before.

 

Advice or stories of this happening to anyone???

 

Many thanks and regards

[Lambert]

I think it's really important in a relationship to be your own person, too. I mean think about it... when your whole world is one person, it gets really boring. For example, when I am traveling with my boss for work. We go to all the same meetings, all the same travel, all the same. At some point, we will have absolutely nothing to say, we experienced all the same things at the same time for the last 4 days. There's nothing to say. Granted that's my boss but it's the same with a guy. You have to bring your own interests to the table. Lots of things going on in your own life, makes you happier and more grounded. Start working out, meeting your girlfriends for drinks after work, or sign up for a class that interests you.

[Kyanite]

I'm going through the exact same thing in a ldr. I'm often worried about being too clingy or dependent and driving him off. I've told him this, but he reassures me that I make him happy. Still, I worry way too much about making him leave somehow, and that puts a strain on the relationship. I'm trying to step back, but I need him, and it's a little too much.

 

My only advice would be to find things that interest you, that you can focus on besides him. Do you have any hobbies? If not, try to do more of them.

Remind yourself that he loves you, and that you're strong enough to make it through things without him. You made it through years without him before (I assume, unless you've been with him since you were seven or however) and that you can survive a little time with no contact.

Distract yourself.

Give yourself pep talks and acknowledge that it's true, that you love him and he loves you, but you're a strong person with or without him, even if it's for a short while.

 

Hope this helps! Best of wishes.

[catfeeder]

I'd start with a resolution to consider all the friends and family I've neglected in favor or wrapping myself up in this guy. I'd make it a point to reconnect with these people individually, and I don't mean in superficial meetups where you talk about BF. I'd focus on closing my mouth and being a great listener. I'd start Showing Up for people, and I'd make it about them, not me.

 

When you start showing the people you love attention, and you focus on creating wonderful memories for them, you'll wind up treating your Self better in the process. Other people will help stretch your mind and creativity. From there, it's only a small leap to finding new interests and hidden talents you've allowed to remain dormant.

 

Head high, and I hope 2013 is your best year ever.