Boyfriend doesn't feel like making love, it's making me feel really low..advice

[aw1992]

Hi,

 

I'm new to this website and i'd appreciate any advice which anyone may have to give me...

 

I'm 20 and my boyfriend of nearly 10 months is 22. I love him so much, he makes me so happy and even the thought of not being in a relationship with him pains me.I know he loves me too and I have no reason to doubt this. I don't ever want to break up with him - obviously I know though that something like that isn't entirely up to me. Anyway, he took my virginity at about 6 months, and prior to that he always seemed sexually interested, but some time after we actually had sex I started to notice he wouldn't even make a move. He told he it was because he couldn't finish (fair enough, it'd get anyone down), but recently he told me he had been depressed, felt low about his body image and generally feels anxious when having sex which is compounded by his inability to finish and that it's nothing to do with me. I'd say on average we had sex on about once every 2-3 weeks(?) I started to get these phases of feeling very low about it all - I know it's not me, that I have to respect the fact that he's having some issues and that I should support him (which I intend on doing always) but recently these phases have come back worse and result in me just feeling hopeless, as though things won't change. I feel quite undesirable, and unattractive because I guess I know my boyfriend is happier handling his needs himself, and I guess the feeling of hopelessness and a sort of bereavement is coming from the lack of connection we have in that sense.

 

I know sex isn't everything, we have all the other boxes ticked and he's my best friend and I truly hope he is forever, but I can't help but miss that sort of a connection - i don't think it's the most important way of showing closeness, but it's a different type of closeness which you cannot get by talking etc...it's not about me feeling great via pleasure, but instead feeling great via that connection. I feel it feels like I have everything but things are hollow at times. A few days ago I told him how I was feeling because I don't want to keep things from him, but a part of me can't help but feel really guilty for telling him yet I know I had to. Again he said he thinks this problem may be because of his insecurities about himself and his inability to finish and that his recent lack of a desire to have sex with someone has not ever been this bad and he's not sure why it is. I'll love him regardless of anything, because we have so much more in this relationship, and it makes me feel that because we're together and it's not because of the influence of sex then what we have must be really strong and this thought keeps me going, though sometimes I feel weak.

 

I'm considering going to my university counsellor and just talking to him/her so that I can more permanently focus on the so many positives of us and find techniques to prevent a relapse into those phases, and maybe if needed, we can go as a couple...which he said he'd do if it came to it (which i'm very grateful for) to make things better. I guess I know that things may not resolve, because I guess maybe it'll be really hard for him to accept his insecurities or that the fear of him not being able to finish has made him associate sex with negative feelings and he won't want to try again. I guess I wish I knew how to help in those respects, I tell him that he looks great etc...but he just doesn't believe it himself, he often says he doesn't feel comfortable in his own skin. I guess maybe even doing other sexual things apart from traditional sex itself may help but I think he's too self-aware now and would back-away out of anxiety. A major fear I now have is that he will back away from me totally....he told me the other day he's scared that he'll hurt me or that i'll be upset with him, the truth is i'm not upset, I only told him about my phases because I thought it's good to communicate and I didn't want to let it build up and come out in another way etc...and also because I thought we should actually attempt to make things better rather than just talking about it.

 

I'm not really sure what I expect to hear really, I guess any advice would be great, whether you've been in a similar situation? or can recommend any therapies? etc.....

 

Many thanks to you all

[EssexMan]

Going to the counsellor together is a great idea, so follow that up.

 

Even minor sexual difficulties can be very damaging to a guy's self-esteem and confidence - so much of the concept of "manhood" is, even these days, based on sexual ability.

 

So, I think that the idea of doing things other than conventional intercourse is a good one - what he may really need to know is that he is still able to satisfy you, and that will help his confidence return. You may need to take it pretty slowly to begin with, just lots of kissing and hugging to let him know that you still like physicality with him.

 

But do see that counsellor, whether alone or together. It's not an uncommon problem and they'll be able to give you really good advice.

[Jennifer89]

Has he seen a doctor?

[aw1992]

A doctor about his depression? yes, he's being referred to a psychiatrist soon. Is this what you meant?

[catfeeder]

A doctor about his depression? yes, he's being referred to a psychiatrist soon. Is this what you meant?

 

What about a medical doctor to rule out physical problems?

[aw1992]

What about a medical doctor to rule out physical problems?

 

Not that I know of, it seems to be all psychological and I think once he gets over those it should help, or vice versa. Hoping for the best!

[ConservativeM]

I feel that answer of this thread is in your post only. You are pretty clear that the root cause of this problem is your boyfriend insecurity because of his inability to finish. you should start sorting out this single point agenda and rest of thing will be settled by own. I do not think the issue is so big and there is any confusion.