Cheating at the bar?

[Bizw]

My girlfriend and I have been together for 4 years. I was 18 at the time we met she was 16, so needless to say we have been together for the majority of our dating lives. I'm thinking of breaking things off, which will be really hard for me, so I'm looking for some advice on the reasons I have for doing this.

 

My biggest problem with our relationship is she goes out to the college bars a couple times a week, with her single friends. She is very outgoing, good looking, really good dancer and seems to need attention. She gets very drunk and stays until the bar closes every time. I know It's redicoulous for me to expect her not to talk to other guys, but I have a strong feeling she gets very flirty and someday I think the flirting will devolop into something worse. Not neccessarly a one night stand, but possibly a relationship that devolops between her and another guy, that I don't find out about until it's too late. She has many other guys numbers on her phone that she talks to but when I ask her about them, she acts like she hardly knows them. My Question is what do you think shes doing at these bars, just having a good time, looking for another guy, flirting or what. I want her to have fun, and I don't want to be controlling, but am I a fool for thinking that shes an angel at the bar. Also, she expects me to not mind her going out several times a week without me with her single friends that are also good looking. She thinks I'm "weird" when I show that I'm not happy about her going out, and acts if I'm not a normal guy. Am I not normal please be honest? Maybe I am being jealous, I honestly don't know because shes been my only serious girlfriend.

 

I know that it's hard to say without knowing her, but honestly do you think that things are going on that I wouldnt like. Please let me what your past experiances are or what your thoughts are on this.

 

 

Thanks

Dan

[hockeyboy]

is this your only reason for breaking up with her?

[wanderer]

i've only had one girlfriend in the past but she turned out to be what you're fearing yours will be. she too had other guy's numbers in her phone (i assume) but only one of them was actually trying to get with her. unfortunetly, that's one too many and when i found out about her cheating, (after she dumped me) i remembered her telling me that the guy was "just a friend" or "don't worry about him; he's harmless". so while i can't really give you sage advice, i can say that it's dangerous to do what i did and assume nothing was wrong or that she was totally honest and faithful to me. i know it sounds kinda paranoid or selfish to say that i don't think you're overreacting, but i think it's justified because you are genuinely worried about her doing this not just for her sake, but for your own - it hurts a lot to be cheated on. i think she has the obligation to be straight and honest with you if you decide you should sit her down and tell her exactly what's bothering you about her going to bars without you and calling you weird when you worry about her. i'm not saying don't ever trust your girl, but i am saying to have a right to the truth and if even if it's not what you want to hear, it's better to know it than to be guessing and find out later when it will hurt that much more.

 

don't mean to scare you, but bad things can happen. i doubt your girl is as bad as my ex was.

[p26]

I think this is a completely natural feeling.. does she ever invite you to come along with her? If so, you should go along and see for yourself how it is that she acts. If she does not invite you to come along, you should tell her that you want to come. If she actually has a problem with you coming along, then that is where you have a good reason to be concerned (she may be doing something you wouldn't like).

 

I had this same problem with my gf, one night we had plans to be together and she broke them to go to a party at her friends house, and she didn't invite me to come along. Needless to say she heard it from me in a big way... that is not cool. We haven't had that problem since.

[Bizw]

Not my only reason, but it's something that bothers me and causes a great deal of tension between us.

[hockeyboy]

maybe you've already tried this, but if not, do it.

 

sit down with her and talk to her about it. dont get angry or defensive, just tell her how it makes you feel. be firm with her, make sure you dont back down. she will probably attack you..in which case you need to tell her your not wrong for feeling as you do.

 

if this does not work, give her a taste of her own medicine. you go out, somehwere where there are alot of girls. do it often and have fun with it. make sure your gf is aware of what your doing. perhaps then she will better understand your point of view.

 

this is all assuming you wont break up with her yet. if its not worth it, then leave her.

[DBL]

Sorry to say this, but I would not be very surprised if you find out that she has been cheating on you. I don't find this acceptable in girls I date, and would just kick them to the curb. I don't think you would really have to fear that if you broke up to her she will find someone else because that plan is most likely already in the works behind your back. If my girlfriend went out and was coming home with guys phone numbers, first I break her phone and then I walk out.

 

You are normal Dan, infact you are a lot more patient then I am. If you want a gut check...go check up on her one night at the club or bar. Whatever the outcome atleast you now know where you stand and what decision has to be made.

 

Good Luck

DBL

[Serendipity1607307077]

I hope that you have tried talking to her about this. If she really loves and cares about you she will respect your opinion and feelings and bring herself into liine...

 

If she doesn't, then I am not really sure on what you should do... but in my opinion, if you are becoming paranoid about this subject then there isn't any reason why you should live with it, It will just make you incredibly unhappy.

 

If she doesn't respect you, there is no point sticking around.

[_Ramirez_]

I second DBL idea.

If you want to know you need to check it for yourself. Having other guys number on her phone is not something bad in itself, if those numbers belong to single guys she met at the bar while being drunk is suspicious tho and if she talk to them while being sober and insist that you don't accompany her when she go out then there's something phony in all this.

 

Maybe she's as tired of the relationship as you are and just want to fool around and feel free. She's acting like she want to be single again.

 

Wait a little bit into the evening, like 12:00-1:00 a.m. so she will be drunk and won't notice another guy looking at her... If you find her in the arms of another guy then you can dump her on the spot without needing another reason. You might even do what she wish you to do because she doesn't have the courage to do it herself.

 

Good luck.

[justagirl20f]

Hi Dan,

 

I don't think the issue here is what she's doing at the bars. We don't know her, so we can't really say. I don't drink or go to bars all that much, but I LOVE male attention... It's open bar every night for a hot chick, why spend money on your own drinks, right? That's business sense, hahaha! Or if you can get out of a traffic ticket by flashing a mega-watt smile, or get some guy to carry your shopping bags to your car because you look so darn pathetically cute struggling there in your heels that you've been wearing entirely too long, then why not?

 

I love my BF. I'd die before I cheated on him. I never hide things from him, and truth be told if he wanted to come out to the bar with me one night I'd love it more than anything. I like male attention no matter what, but my favourite male attention is still his. Flirting is harmless fun as far as I am concerned, because I know in my case it would never ever leave that bar. Besides, you know she's hot what do you expect? Sometimes in a relationship a girl needs to know she's smokin' in order to feel completely secure with her man. My BF tells me when I'm looking exceptional, but I turn heads even in a tee-shirt and old jeans with my hair in a ratty ponytail... That feels good. And it makes me more secure that he's thinking the same as those other guys, even if he doesn't say it.

 

But if you can't live with that, and it's gonna cause you pain all the time, or she is a heavy drinker and you're not, then break up with her and find someone on your same page. Loving someone doesn't mean you have to be miserable with everything they do and stick it out anyway... Besides, if she's doing something that hurts you so much, maybe you don't love her as much as you love the person you want her to be?

 

Later, dude.