How can i build the trust again?

[luvtif6]

I am really struggling with how to trust my bf again. I don't really like him right now. We have struggled and struggled with his problems and I can't stop spying either. I love him and I want to be with him forever. How can I trust him again??

[aireyc]

What's this about spying?

 

Chris

[Vanilla]

you really havnt specified at all on why you're having problems and why you need to spy on him. Also why you dont like him right now. Im confused.

[luvtif6]

well it is a very long story. basically he used to meet girls online behind my back, talk, talk on the phone, and once it led to meeting and cheating. This has happened REPEATEDLY!!!! We are trying to move on and get out of this relentless cycle of me spying, confronting him, him saying he will change and then it happens all over again. but i don't think he has changed. I find it hard not to spy on his internet activity. It has happened so many times that I don't know how to trust him anymore. How will I ever know he is really done?? This sux. I love him but I think I am starting to love him a little less!!

[Vanilla]

ok. i'm the kind of person that if you cheat on me once or in a foul way disrespect me behind my back you're long gone. I could MAYBE try to understand how someone can forgive someone who cheated on them ONCE... but someone who has repeatedly met girls behind your back and cheated on you? Honey, this isnt the first time or the second time. What on earth makes you think he'll ever change. From what it sounds like he knows you don't plan on leaving him. Shoot, if I did that to my boyfriend and he took me back everytime, why should I ever change? You've been there for him through it all while he goes out and meets these women, he's having his cake and eating it too! I would leave this guy in a second. Don't you think you deserve better than that? I really think you do!

[luvtif6]

I have tried to leave him repeatedly. he has a way of making me look like the one who is throwing 6 years away. only once did he "actually" physically cheat. so he acts like me breaking up with him over internet stuff would be dumb, even though he knows its wring and he always knows the next time will be my last. every time he says " I could underderstand if I had..." and fills in the blank. i mean yeah it could be wrose, but he always thinks it will be ok. And the fact is that I love him and want to be with him. that is why i always end up staying. he like physically will not let me leave. if i say we're broken up he doesn't even acknowledge that. so you prob think i'm dumb. i would if i was reading this, but i love him. is there any way to build the trust again? I want to marry him but not until we are on solid ground.

[Vanilla]

what i am worried about is your self esteem. he's doing with you what he wants. You can't just try to leave him, you have to do it. You need to really think if you love him. Because he comes with all those flaws and problems. You are not the one who is throwing 6 years away. He is the one who disrespected those 6 years by starting to talk to women online and he is the one who wronged those 6 years of a relationship by cheating on you! Do you really want to marry a man who is going to sneak behind your back and speak to women? Unless you can REALLY trust him with your eyes closed and feel secure about yourself then I guess talk to him and give it a shot. But chances are you're just going to feel paranoid and torture yourself thinking he may be doing it at times and never be able to trust him again.

 

I think its very disprespectful that he doesn't acknowledge when you try to break up with him. It's like someone saying "alright yeah whatever you're not going anywhere".

 

THink of your emotional happiness and stability. How much do you believe you are worth? You may love him a lot but you should love yourself even more. Don't ever forget that.

[Vanilla]

and i dont think you're stupid at all. I just think youre just really attached to your relationship and are scared to see that it might just not be right. just think of your happiness, if you're willing to trust him then thats fine, but if you can't trust him and you know that deep in your heart, it'll never work and you'll just be miserable.

[nikkita]

as I read your post, it's like I'm reading my own story... I also broken up a six year relationship because he also cheated repeatedly on me... and it also came to the point where I spy on his things... every time he will come with a different excuse a different story. Until it came to the point where I'm emotionally exhausted and can't cope with that anymore. It's hard to be strong if you love him so much, but I realised that I love myself much too. That's why I decided to breakup with him... he promises to change, but I don't believe it now because trust has been broken. Without trust many things begin to fail in a relationship... not acknowledging that just make a relationship that is not healthy both either of you.

My guess is that he might be used to get control over you, so you will need to find yourself first and whatever decision you make you will need to be secure and confident.

[Guarana Galrok]

The answer to the main question of the post is quite simple-you can not trust him again, nor should you. This guy sounds like world class scum and you need to drop him like third period french. In all seriousness, have some self respect and move on-however hard you may find it.

[luvtif6]

hmmm...unfortunately this was not the answer i was looking for. In his defense, he loves me a lot. i seriously think he has a problem with it all because I know he truly wants to be with me. he either forgets about that or can't see it or can't help it. I don't know. He is a good person despite what you all think. I am even more confused now. thanks for the insights though.

[Vanilla]

sweetie with all due respect you seem to be blinded by how much you want to hold on to him. if he loved you he wouldnt do what he's doing to you. talking to other women and cheating is not a problem like a drug addiction its a CHOICE! I don't mean to get in your face about this, and everyone who has posted on here just wants you to be happy. So if you're really willing to deal with it, and that means no doubting, no spying, no distrust...then I wish you the best of luck!

[RayKay]

sweetie with all due respect you seem to be blinded by how much you want to hold on to him. if he loved you he wouldnt do what he's doing to you. talking to other women and cheating is not a problem like a drug addiction its a CHOICE! I don't mean to get in your face about this, and everyone who has posted on here just wants you to be happy. So if you're really willing to deal with it, and that means no doubting, no spying, no distrust...then I wish you the best of luck!

 

Just to add that - be prepared that he will break your heart again, I am about 99% sure of that. Repeated emotional betrayal and the physical betrayal, and then trying to turn it around on you so it is YOUR problem - that is a classic repetitive cheater and manipulator.

 

You are worth more than that. If he loved you, he would not be meeting other girls off the net like that. Sometimes you are going to get advice you don't want to hear, but you really should take it into consideration. Sure some people who cheat never do it again - but generally they are those who did it once, and immediately realized their wrongs, got counselling, accepted blame and worked on relationship. Not those who do it repeatedly and blame their partner for not trusting them! You should NOT automatically trust him - he has TO EARN IT BACK!

[OceanEyes]

RayKay is right, despite the fact that I think you're looking for advice on 'how to trust again'. I don't think there is an easy answer for that here hun.

 

This comment really stuck out to me:

 

Repeated emotional betrayal and the physical betrayal, and then trying to turn it around on you so it is YOUR problem - that is a classic repetive cheater and manipulator.

 

I really agree with that. To be honest, I don't know how you can still be with him. Not only that, but you seem to be here seeking advice on how you can change yourself; stop spying, start trusting. How will it ever be possible to do so when you've been walked all over multiple times?

 

I think you need to take a break from this guy. If he really loves you, it will kill him to see you go. Maybe this is the type of 'wake-up' call that he needs. He has to know that you mean business - if it happens again, I'M GONE, and I'm not coming back.

 

I can see that you really want to make things work with this guy. I don't see how it can unless you do something drastic, like leaving him, if even just for a week. He absolutely MUST see that you are serious, that you're not going to put up with his lies and manipulative behaviour, that you deserve better, and if he won't shape up and STOP CHEATING, that you'll never speak to him again.

 

If you just stay with him and hope that he stops, he probably won't. He's proven that repeatedly. Just pack your stuff and stay at a family member's house - don't even tell him where you're going. Just leave.

[luvtif6]

I think you need to take a break from this guy. If he really loves you, it will kill him to see you go. Maybe this is the type of 'wake-up' call that he needs. He has to know that you mean business - if it happens again, I'M GONE, and I'm not coming back.

 

That is what I have done and it is a wake up call. it breaks his heart. he doesn't want to eat or go to work and then I see how much he loves me. but its like he forgets all of that and how that made him feel later. or he doesn't think he will get caught again is a lot of it. and if he had a normal gf he wouldn't, but unfortunately I have become VERY sneaky and very good at spying on him. I find things that he would never dream of needing to hide. i don't want to be that way, but...

thanks guys. i have a lot to think about!!