Advice for those looking for reconciliation - my experience

[Jellybean01]

I've been browsing these forums for the past few months and they have helped me immensely so I thought it was time to add my own story and maybe some advice for those looking to get back together with their exes based on my own experience.

 

My ex and I were together around 15 months before he had to move back to his own country. Before that things had been great, no issues really and we just had a lot of fun together. We did the LDR thing for several months before he called me out of the blue and said he wasn't coming back and we should break up. After a month or so of sobbing etc we agreed to stay friends and kept in regular contact via Skype and email, although I was always hoping we'd get back together and never really let him go. In some ways it was like nothing had changed except he repeatedly told me we were just friends. This was torture, like being rejected over and over again, and my emotions were all over the place because although he said this he also never quite let me go either - he used to get jealous if I mentioned other guys etc which made me feel guilty for thinking of moving on. So basically we were in limbo and neither of us could move on and date other people. Anyway, fast forward a year and our contact had gradually increased until he suggested I come and visit him, which I did. It was the first time we'd seen each other in over a year and it was like we'd never been apart - he couldn't deny his feelings any more. It took a while but we DID get back together. HOWEVER, it was still long distance and we could still hardly find the time to see each other. He wasn't willing to move back to my country and whilst I was willing to move to his, I wasn't able in the short term. A year later (4 months ago now) he broke up with me again (completely out of the blue again as well and basically for all the same reasons). We'd only seen each other three times in a year and I think basically he couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel, even though we'd talked about me moving there in the next year or so. He offered me a host of reasons including - he was lonely, couldn't handle the distance, his feelings had changed etc. He wanted to be friends again but I pushed him hard by begging, crying, etc for about a month and basically because we'd got back together before I couldn't really accept that it was really over. Anyway, as it turned out this time he was determined to move on and a month after the break up he admitted he'd started seeing someone else. It's been NC since then and I haven't heard a thing since.

 

I guess what I want to say is unless something about the situation fundamentally changes or he starts showing all the signs of wanting to be with you no matter what, don't even think of getting back together. The second break up is so much worse than the first and is pretty much inevitable unless something changes. I went through it all again with the added feeling of being strung along for a long time by someone who couldn't make up his mind what he wanted and having invested another two years of my life. Also I now know that friendship won't really work if one or both of you still has feelings for the other. In my case it did lead to reconciliation but nothing had changed and he took me for granted - it was me making all the effort. I can't help feeling that if I'd just let go the first time around we could have both moved on by now and maybe even be friends. And if we'd had a period of NC, MAYBE he'd have missed me and appreciated me rather than taking me for granted. Instead I'm left wondering if i'll ever see him again - someone I had considered my best friend and soulmate.

 

Don't get me wrong, I still harbour some hope that we may be together again in future or at least be friends but for now I do think its best to keep my distance and not contact him. If we are ever to successfully reconcile he has to really want it and the circumstances need to have changed. Until then I am only hurting myself to stay in touch, especially if he's dating other people. And based on past experience, friendship can only come once we are both completely over each other, and I for one am still not.

 

It's hard - I still haven't completely let go and I still think of him every day. Some days I really want to contact him and have to talk myself out of it and I also feel hurt that he hasn't got in touch. Stay stong everyone - we are all in it together!

[MicheleDC]

Thanks for sharing. You will have an easier time moving on when you meet someone else. He is dating others. Why shouldn't you now feel free to get back out there and start dating? It's so much harder to move on if you think he was your soulmate, and you won't love like that again, or if the circumstances were different like not long distant, you would be together. You can't think that way. Don't regret the time you spent with him in the past. Now try not to spend your valuable time on this relationship. Use it on yourself, your interests, your hobbies, your friends.

[issac18]

Hey, we're quite in the same boat. Do your friends also say "Hey, he lives far far far away, and you guys even broke up more than once. Don't you think it IS time for you to find a new guy? Seriously, let him go" ha. I agree with all of what you wrote but just except for '...invested two years of my life' part. Don't feel bitter about it. That relationship didn't end up in marriage doesn't mean it was a failure. If you work on yourself with NC, as time goes by, you will be able to do what you want - to contact him and talk. Or you might not even want to contact him then. Stay strong, girl!!!

[Jellybean01]

Hi MicheleDC, thanks for your input. I guess what you wrote is also pretty much the message I wanted to get accross. That if I had realised all of those things two years ago, I would probably be in a very different place right now. Most probably we wouldn't have got back together but I could have spent the last two years maybe meeting someone who did want to be with me no matter what. It's a difficult one because I do look back fondly on the extra time we spent together and in that sense have no regrets, but in hindsight our reconciliation was pretty much doomed from the start and I made it far too easy for him to string me along while he made his mind up. I guess my overwhelming message would be not to wait for someone who isn't showing the right level of interest in you, and not to use friendship if you really want something more - it will only lead to more heartbreak. Also, don't think about getting back together with someone unless / until something (either you, them or the situation) has changed. You are right about meeting someone else and I am on the lookout - easier said than done though I guess.

 

Issac18, yes my friends say all of those things. In the beginning I hated to hear them but with time I've come to realise that in some ways they are right. I'm finding it difficult to completely let go of hope but at the same time I certainly shouldn't be hanging around waiting for him at this point. Right now I would at least like to reach the point where we can be friends and I can be happy with that.

[chris1005]

i wish you luck and my blessings jellybean01