Feels Like Two Steps Forward, Two Steps Back

[PaperSt1537]

I've posted numerous times in the breakup forums about my failed two year relationship due to my inability to do anything to improve myself or work through my depression and anxiety conditions. My actress ex-girlfriend is now in New York City without me (or probably with a new boyfriend) as I tucked my tail between my legs and slinked back to Philadelphia to start over yet again with a proverbial dunce cap on my head and nothing but a mountain of regrets to show for the last two years.

 

Today is the one-month anniversary of when she left me. The humiliation of that day as she helped me move all my things in a U-Haul, insisting to drive the truck for me since I had an expired license (extra humilating) while I sat for the two hour drive desperately trying to come up with anything to say that could stop this inescapable nightmare. As she waited for the bus back to NYC we sat, crying to each other for an hour, she spouted out wonderful words to me that had absolutely no basis in reality, only to serve as a way to soften the blow of the break up for me.

 

"You've treated me better than any man has ever treated me. I'm so selfish and stupid for leaving such a wonderful man. I love you and I know it's not fair to blame you for your depression but I just can't deal with it anymore. I'm sorry but there's no chance."

 

The other day, through some odd chemical reaction in my brain or something that just clicked, I realized that it's very likely she had been seeing someone when we were still together and the two week "break" she insisted on before leaving me might have been to see if she really was ready to be with someone else. There's no way to prove it, of course, but I feel like maybe I should just assume it's true. The thought of it actually being true helps to disolve that tiny sliver of hope in my heart that someday there might be a chance for us.

 

I want to let go, I honestly do. But I keep thinking of things I want to say to her, to at the very least let her know that I know how much of a fool I was to try to keep her when I couldn't even take care of my own problems, even just a little bit. I want her to know how terribly sorry I am that I dragged her into my pit of despair and how for so long I just relied on her love to carry me through life without ever doing a d*mn thing. Loving her was paramount to everything else in my life and I know how awful that is to be. She deserves so much more and as much as I know now and believe wholeheartedly that I could be that man, it's far, far too late now. And that is what I can't let go of. The revelation is just too overwhelming to ignore.

[robot20]

Because you have depression and anxiety gives her reason to cheat on you with another guy? If you suspect something was going on, it probably was and you wanna apologize to her?

[clueless11]

If its really what you're dying to do, you could shoot her an email. Nothing too sappy or anything, just a simple to the point like sorry this happened."

That's only if you think it might really help you. And thats also if you can handle potentially not getting a reply. I recently made a stupid move while contacting my ex and I think I may never speak to him again. Which just kills me.

 

No matter what though, you will be ok. And I'm really sorry you're going through this.

[PaperSt1537]

I know this is going to sound ridiculous without context but as awful as it is that she probably was seeing someone else or was interested in someone else is something I can't really blame her for. I was so miserable all the time and while I always tried to treat her well, I didn't go the extra mile (or even inch most of the time) to work on the relationship. To make it fun to be with me, to keep her interested in me. I hardly ever went out and did things with her beyond the occasional dinner or movie while we were in NYC. We were living in the biggest city in the world with thousands of things to do and all I ever did when I wasnt working was to sit at home and watch movies and play video games. Or just sit with her and be together at home.

 

Everything was so overwhelming to me, so much fear of humiliation or failure. It wasn't fair in the least to subject her to that kind of lifestyle and I never wanted to. In fact, the regret for never doing any of the things she wanted, almost begged me to do with her, is just soul-crushing. Especially knowing that all I had to do was try. Just put forth even minimal effort and she could still be with me today. She wouldn't have any need to go out and find someone to do those things with. I drove her away with my foolishness, my laziness, my unwillingness to really work at things and make her happy. As I said, that knowledge now of how easily I could have saved us, saved myself even, is what dominates my thoughts now. Crushing despair and the inability to forgive myeslf and move on.

[clueless11]

Ugh its the Regret Phase. You know, it wasn't your fault. At the time, you really don't know and there's nothing wrong with that. You can't beat yourself up for what you can't change. It will be a never ending circle of pain. Forgive yourself for the things you can't change.

 

If you want to get back together, or move on, that's another story. Now you are armed with knowledge and you can calmly consider your next steps carefully and you can control your actions.

[PaperSt1537]

Ugh its the Regret Phase. You know, it wasn't your fault. At the time, you really don't know and there's nothing wrong with that. You can't beat yourself up for what you can't change. It will be a never ending circle of pain. Forgive yourself for the things you can't change.

 

If you want to get back together, or move on, that's another story. Now you are armed with knowledge and you can calmly consider your next steps carefully and you can control your actions.

 

It's not so much that I want back what we had. I know that's impossible now. I just want a new start, with all this newfound knowledge. I want more than anything to be able to show her how much I know now, and to arm myself with that knowledge to see where it could take us.

 

But she's checked out. She checked out a long time ago, and quite possibly has a new exciting, fun, adventurous, younger man in her life (I'm nine years her senior, which makes it all the more pathetic that I don't have my life together). There's nothing left in her for me but pity and possibly guilt. I have to remind myself that this lifestyle I chose to live had consequences. Real, lifetime lasting consequences that can never be reversed. I hear people say constantly "maybe someday, years from now, who knows?" but what are you supposed to do when you know now, right now, what you've done and you can't do anything about it? And you wonder how someone can tell you constantly how wonderful you were to them and how much they care for you but you can absolutely never be with them again in any capacity.

 

I don't mean to keep wallowing in self-loathing here, I just have no other outlet for these emotions. My friends have exhausted all their advice to me and after a month of this it's too much to keep asking for them to listen to the same stuff over and over again while I work through it. I can't express how thankful I am for the help the people on this forum continue to provide, if even just being able to air out these things.

[clueless11]

Haha please do wallow. This is my favorite place for wallowing. You know, it does sound like you've reached acceptance. Which I think is great because I firmly believe denial is the worst grieving stage. However your acceptance did come with a lot of pain you still have. And I think that's ok.

Yesterday was the one month of my break up too, and it still hurts. So don't pressure yourself that you haven't moved on any faster, because I'm right there with you haha

[PaperSt1537]

Haha please do wallow. This is my favorite place for wallowing. You know, it does sound like you've reached acceptance. Which I think is great because I firmly believe denial is the worst grieving stage. However your acceptance did come with a lot of pain you still have. And I think that's ok.

Yesterday was the one month of my break up too, and it still hurts. So don't pressure yourself that you haven't moved on any faster, because I'm right there with you haha

 

Again, thank you for your kind words and support. While it's unfortunate that we are all in similar situations, it is nice to know there are people out there who really understand what this feels like.

 

Over the last month I've been working toward improving myself in many of the ways in which I had continually promised my ex that I would, only now, of course it's more about promising myself and not allowing this kind of life to continue only to happen again with someone else. Finding personal worth instead of having it defined by my significant other. Some days I feel I'm making progress, other days not so much.

 

One of the hardest parts about trying to improve is that it's unlikely she will ever see it. It's probable that once her guilt and pity for breaking up with me has subsided, I will be nothing but a distant memory. Barely a blip on her emotional radar. Just "one of those guys she dated." When she's successful and/or married to the man of her dreams she'll wonder "wow, what was I thinking?"