I Don't Miss Her...I Miss Not Having a Girlfriend

[anon728]

I think I may have come to a revelation in the last 24 hours. I was dumped 4 months ago (2.5 year relationship), and have been doing NC for about 3.5 months. She emailed for a few weeks, and then stopped. I ran into her about six weeks ago, but since then, nothing. It didn't help that she basically dumped me for another guy from her work.

 

The thing is, I wasn't happy in the relationship anyway...I was miserable. We fought a lot, and I often thought to myself, 'is this what the rest of my life is going to be like?'

 

This whole time, I have been an emotional wreck, moving on, but still thinking of her nonstop. I'm doing a lot of new things, have gotten in shape, taking classes, and people have noticed the difference, but I am still lonely at home.

 

I'm in my late 20s, and while I am very outgoing and have tons of friends, I have not had a lot of girlfriends. So, when I met her, I thought, 'this is it...I have finally met someone that I am going to spend the rest of my life with.' However, what she was doing was filling that need to 'have a girlfriend.' I could now do bf/gf things, things that I had always wanted to do.

 

Well, it hit me yesterday...I don't miss her; I miss what I wanted her to be. I miss the companionship, having a buddy, a partner in crime, someone to cuddle with and go see stuff that I couldn't see with my guy friends. THESE ARE THINGS THAT ANY GIRL CAN GIVE ME! They are not specific to her. So, it is the loneliness that is causing my pain. Sure, I miss her...she was part of me for 2.5 years, but honestly, the only reason I would want to be back with her was so I wouldn't be lonely, nothing really specific to her (she did have great qualities, but the point of this post is about my healing, not my ex, and not my relationship).

 

So I thought I would post that here, because I have been ignoring this for the last four months. I know everyone says, 'hey, this may be a good thing,' and I sort of knew that was the case, but it is like I wanted to miss her. So, let your grieving take it's natural course. Don't pin for her. In some cases, sure, there may be some uneasiness on the dumper's decision, but on most, there is not, especially if they are with someone else.

 

Now, I am not going to say I feel great…I'm still lonely and miserable, but you know what, I have a certain peace because I know WHY I am miserable: I wanted a gf, I got one, she didn't turn out to be what I wanted, but it was a gf, and I didn't have any other takers…I just didn't want to be alone anymore. What a horrible reason to be in a relationship, you start to resent the other person, and you feel trapped.

 

So, thanks to everyone on this forum for their advice. I havn't posted that much, but have read religiously. I know I have a long way to go before I'm healed, but now I truly know it is my thing, and not something that concerns my ex.

[hockeyboy]

i know exactly what your saying and i think its very good and healthy that you have come to realize this. now you know, you really don't want her back, you just want what you have always been looking for. you didnt find the whole package in her so you gotta look elsewhere.

 

its hard because i do miss doing a lot of the things that i feel i can only do with a girlfriend. there are so many activities that i just would not do with my friends. i sometimes feel like im getting bored doing the same things night in and night out with the guys. i miss being able to just stay in bed some nights and cuddle and watch some good movies. theres so many things like that.

 

however, i realize that when im in that kinda relationship a part of me misses being able to be free and spend that time with my guy friends. so i like to look at it like this. enjoy this kinda fun while it lasts and when you find that girl you can enjoy that then. you know if you be honest with yourself that you will find that girl, its just a matter of time.

 

i hope it helps you to know your not the only one with these feelings. but i hope you have learned, as i have, to take the best out of a bad situation. i hope you have learned a lot from your ex. and hopefully you can apply that to the girl you will love so much more and who will give it back.

[anon728]

hockeyboy, thanks for the response. It is really kind of a weird feeling, and I'm sure I will go back and forth with the feelings, but the point is, I've let those feelings thru, and now, when I get upset feelings, I can focus them on the lonliness thing, and not on my ex.

 

And my guess is that there are others out there who know this wasn't the right person, and knew it while they were dating them, but are now like, 'was that the right person? was that 'my one?' Why do we do that to ourselves...I can symphathize with people that were totally in love with their exes, and I'm sure their grieving is a lot worse, but I'm sure others, like me, wanted out, but now feel that they let something slip away.

[hockeyboy]

those feelings pass with time, espeacialy once you do meet the right girl. you will look at is as if the ex did you a favor by letting you go so you could find this new girl..somone who is so much better.

[fridolyn]

hey buddy!!!

 

I just want to let you know that I could have written that post. Im 33 now, broke up 10 months ago. All your thoughts become clearer and clearer with time....

[mnuttster]

hey just wanted to let you all know im in the same position, day after day i realize how much she wasnt right for me. i just loved her because we had two years together and that we shared all that time. we fought constantly and that we had problems in the bedroom too, two things which are necissary to a good relationship. it still hurts and i still miss her, but like my friends and everyone says that with time that will go away and that im not missing her "im missing having someone in my life like that". the part that stinks is that i think she was really in love with me and that is why she kept coming back. i just guess i could never give her what she really needed and so thats why we always fought and had so many problems. gosh i just want the best for her and maybe the new guy she is seeing is the best, i just hope she is happy. we arent even talking right now and after monday and talking to one of her friends i dont think we ever will. i just gotta get through each day and i bet it will get better. any advice is helpful