Just humor me:

[playstheblues]

Right now, I've been taking on guilt for not sendin my condolences to my ex when there was a death in the family. I was too hurt because he was overseas on the trip we planned. I'm wondering if you guys are willing to humor me for a minute: I'm trying to let go of the thought that me not contacting him makes it even more unlikely that we'd ever get back together.

 

I'm trying to release myself from that trap. So I'm trying to think about it in a different way- instead of telling myself that he's gone and never coming back- I'm going to go with the lines that I have NO idea what is possible. I hope he does want to work things out with me, but me not contacting him is not going to change that process.

 

In your opinions- what does make people rethink the decisions they made a Lon time ago? Is it nothing? Is it being in contact and realizing, is it being in NC and realizing. Can anything I do hinder my chances? Can anything I can do improve my chances. What I'm trying to do is release myself of feeling that my actions I.e reaching out etc are not going to make any difference. I even caught myself thinking that it's my fault we aren't in contact because I set the precedence for it.

 

So tell me- what do you think it is that brings them back or makes them reconsider their decision ? Nothing I can do/don't do will hinder this? Perhaps if I feel like I'm not doing anything to stuff up my chances- it may help me to accept and move on with love knowing that if he's going to come back, he's going to come back regardless of me. It's when the hopeless - 'im never goin to talk to him again' sets in that the negative cycles and panic starts.0

[Loveandlost]

No contact will change nothing. Live a life with no regrets. Contact him.. Friendship breeds romance but it also builds trust.

[RedDress]

First - for the condolences - does he even know that you know about the death?

 

As far as why people come back - it can be a number of triggers, but ultimately, it's because they miss something about your relationship. Sometimes it's after dating a few people they realize that you were the most compatible. Sometimes it's simply the space and silence that makes the bad not look too bad and give them perspective (in this case, the trip will likely make him think of you a few times - but that may or may not translate into wanting you back). And sure - sometimes it's contact.

 

Sometimes contact hurts the situation because since you are around, they don't miss you. Also, they actively see all the little things that annoyed them about you. And they don't have a sense of loss if you are still there.

 

Ultimately, it's a crap shoot. I think your odds are exactly even if you contact or don't contact - so really, you have to think of YOU. Contact will hurt YOU, make you hang on more, make you clingy (whether you want to be or not), and are you really ready to hear about how he met this girl and that girl? Or how he's making the best of his trip, not moping, and going out, meeting people, partying, etc?

 

Since all things are equal, you should take care of yourself.

 

For what it's worth, I had an ex who lost his grandmother a few months after we broke up (he was close to his grandmother - more so than his mother). I didn't contact or say anything and he eventually still tried to come back. He told me all about what happened and I offered him my condolences when HE contacted me and told me about it (months later).

 

If he wants to hear from you, he will call.

[Roka]

There is a book called dating your ex. If you google it you will find it. I'ts for those wanting an ex back. 9 years is a long time and not easy to disconnect from. I share a child with my ex of 4 years. This is very hard because there is no 100% NC where I wish there were. I sometimes wonder what the future might bring, as for now, I am not even trying to pursue a reconciliation without coming to a place where I am completely objective about it. Meaning, I am comfortable one way or the other. Your neediness, desperation, anxiety are all understandable. Trust me I go through it in cycles. There is nothing you have to offer in terms of a partner if they are a crutch for you. Meaning, you feel like you cannot live without them. There are so many sides to this, I will wait, until I feel I can look at the situation with the least amount of emotional investment as possible before trying anything. In a sense, being over them before trying again. Wanted to reply and also create clarity for myself. Best of luck....

[penelope13]

The reason the relationship ended was because HE has a personal thing going on that he feels HE needs to solve for himself. It had nothing to do with what you did or didn't do during the relationship.

 

Thus the major factor if he will ever consider trying to come back will have to be an INTERNAL event in him - something that you can't predict nor influence.

 

You really should not worry about how your (in)actions may sway him one way or the other. You said multiple times that you had a 9 year overall solid relationship with you, i.e. he doesn't need any reminder how you are as a person since he already knows.

 

Although you were waking up next to him and showing him daily who you are as a person wasn't enough for him to want to remain in a relationship with you. Thus whatever you do now will also not sway him. If at all, it's a journey he has to do by himself. In his own time.

 

I know it's difficult for you to accept. - But it should actually give you confidence in yourself that it's totally out of your hands, it should relieve you of any feelings of guilt. You should live your life to the fullest. Regardless if he may come back or not. Whenever he may reach out is the time to reevaluate for yourself if you want to give him another chance.

 

As for the condolences, as someone else said: send them when he informs you about this loss.

[FreeFallFeelin]

Just like birthdays and holidays, you have to let this event slide by just like any other day. When they leave you, it's a whole package deal. I know you want to comfort him, but you're assuming that he wants to hear your condolences. Unless he expresses otherwise, I would have to assume that's the truth.

 

I think you really really really need to start accepting the fact that he most likely will not be coming back. Has he made some sign that he want to get back together? Are you going to live in self imposed limbo forever?

[playstheblues]

Just like birthdays and holidays, you have to let this event slide by just like any other day. When they leave you, it's a whole package deal. I know you want to comfort him, but you're assuming that he wants to hear your condolences. Unless he expresses otherwise, I would have to assume that's the truth.

 

I think you really really really need to start accepting the fact that he most likely will not be coming back. Has he made some sign that he want to get back together? Are you going to live in self imposed limbo forever?

 

 

No I'm determined not to- and at the moment- acceptance of the situations hasnt happened- this was One of the situations I've tried to think about things a different way. At this point- I'm going to try to not punish myself and I thought; aide by my therapist, that thinking 'even if he was going to come back, nothing I am doing or not doing will influe ce that' but I'm the sort of person who obviously Over thinks things and I need some 'evidence' before I can believe it, so I'm trying different ways of collecting evidence.

 

Right now, I feel sick at the thought, and this has gotten worse over the past week So I'm trying different ways.

[playstheblues]

Than you to everyone so far. Penelope- I have read and re-read. This really helps. Thank you.