paperboy48 Posted September 19, 2012 Share Posted September 19, 2012 I am recently divorced, I am 36 years old. The split has been since January from a 16-year relationship. If I do not find that special someone, could I be happy with just my kids, cats, my house, my parents/sibilings and my friends? Just worried I am going to miss that intimate connection after having it for 16 years. Link to comment
Loveandlost Posted September 19, 2012 Share Posted September 19, 2012 If you had love once, you will have it again. But you do need to learn to love yourself. Confidence is sexy, get your sexy back and you will have no problem meeting someone else. Link to comment
becomingkate Posted September 19, 2012 Share Posted September 19, 2012 After I was widowed in 2002, I had similar worries. In the end, I lived alone (with my teen daughter) for about three years, and am grateful for that time to get to know myself better. I think it helped me appreciate what a good partner can add to my life. Link to comment
patterned Posted September 19, 2012 Share Posted September 19, 2012 Loveandlost got it right. There's no reason it wouldn't come again. I think the point is that you do become happy without a significant other. It's not up to anyone else to make you happy. As long as you depend upon having a partner to be happy you're setting yourself and a future relationship up for failure. Take care of yourself. Find your own happiness. As Loveandlost says, learn to love yourself. Learn about yourself and decide what you want for your life. Link to comment
Hoagy Posted September 19, 2012 Share Posted September 19, 2012 All a man needs is a FWB and a dog. Just make sure you don't get them confused Link to comment
bw92116 Posted September 19, 2012 Share Posted September 19, 2012 Yes, you can be happy without a significant other. Your real happiness comes from within you anyway. Studies on happiness have shown that the key factor was optimism. Look for happiness in everything you do in your life, not just a primary relationship. The primary relationship is just the "icing on the cake." The cake is also good. Link to comment
guynextdoor Posted September 19, 2012 Share Posted September 19, 2012 Dude I'm 37yrs old with 2 kids and no pets and I'm perfectly happy being single. Sure there's a lack of intimacy but you learn to deal with it. Just rub one out and you're good to go. Link to comment
FreeFallFeelin Posted September 19, 2012 Share Posted September 19, 2012 Hi paperboy, I think we all have that fear - being alone and unloved. And I mean no disrespect to Loveandlost ^^^ but when I hear things like "If you had love once, you will have it again" it just sounds like another mindless affirmation. There are no gaurantees in life. Hell, you might die tomorrow, heart broken and alone. Sorry. Of course it is possible to be happy without a significant other, but it takes a lot of self love and a deep appreciation for the small simple things. Lots of people live their lives alone and are fine with it. All that said, I think most people do prefer to have a partner who can reassure them when times are tough, to help them when they are down, and to enjoy the pleasures of life with. I think you have to learn to live as if you will be alone forever and just hope that this life will provide you with blessing of a loving partner. Even then, you never know if it's going to last forever. They say that "if you can reach the center point where you neither hold on to the past nor reach for the future, you will find true peace." You'll also be a freakin' Zen Master Monk, but I suppose there are worse lots in life! Link to comment
paperboy48 Posted September 19, 2012 Author Share Posted September 19, 2012 Dude I'm 37yrs old with 2 kids and no pets and I'm perfectly happy being single. Sure there's a lack of intimacy but you learn to deal with it. Just rub one out and you're good to go. How long have you been divorced? Hi paperboy, I think we all have that fear - being alone and unloved. And I mean no disrespect to Loveandlost ^^^ but when I hear things like "If you had love once, you will have it again" it just sounds like another mindless affirmation. There are no gaurantees in life. Hell, you might die tomorrow, heart broken and alone. Sorry. Of course it is possible to be happy without a significant other, but it takes a lot of self love and a deep appreciation for the small simple things. Lots of people live their lives alone and are fine with it. All that said, I think most people do prefer to have a partner who can reassure them when times are tough, to help them when they are down, and to enjoy the pleasures of life with. I think you have to learn to live as if you will be alone forever and just hope that this life will provide you with blessing of a loving partner. Even then, you never know if it's going to last forever. I'm not positive i can do this after having someone was my partner in life for 16 years.... I have a nice personality, I do enjoy life for the most part, I have two great kids, just bought a cool house to live in with them. My problem is my physical appearance which is bringing my confidence down really low. I think I am a pretty decent looking guy however, I have a scar on my chin from an accident I had as a teenager that is pretty noticeable. I also have a bone that sticks out of the left side of my chest, its a deformity from birth. The deformity was reduced surgerically (but still there) which left me with a pretty thick pinkish scar that goes straight accross my chest. I was able to date my wife having the deformity and the scar onmy chin. The surgical scar is from when we were first married. So, I had the confidence to date witht he scar and the deformity but now I add a prety good size surgical scar to the mix. Link to comment
Hoagy Posted September 19, 2012 Share Posted September 19, 2012 I still have a scar on my forehead from a childhood accident (my fault, being stupid). For years I told women it was a duelling scar. I don't think any of them believed me Link to comment
guynextdoor Posted September 19, 2012 Share Posted September 19, 2012 Its been 3yrs for me. Dated a few in between and realize its too much hassle and rediculous games. I haven't dated anybody for over a year and quite frankly ok with that. The key is keeping yourself busy. Family, friends and hobbies occupy most of my time. Link to comment
journeynow Posted September 19, 2012 Share Posted September 19, 2012 I think you are still suffering the repercussions of the split, and the doubts are understandable. could I be happy with just my kids, cats, my house, my parents/sibilings and my friends? But you won't have "just" these in your life. You'll have more time for yourself, your interests, new bonds, new explorations. I caution you not to look for another intimate connection right off. Take time to get used to the change, and get to know yourself-as-single better. My split was after 30 years together, and I think I understand what you are going through. It's been 3.5 years since then, and it's taken awhile, but I am now quite happy, my life has grown and developed, I have more connections and interests than I had pre-break. At times I miss the intimacy, but less and less, and I honestly am not looking for a relationship because I am not ready. I was really thrown by my break up and want to feel solid and able to navigate the complications of a new relationship before I do. Someday, perhaps, but I'm not worried if it never happens. Give yourself time. Recovery and letting go happens in layers. Head in the direction of joy and life, find those activities that truly interest you. As for scars, it's not unusual to collect a few while living life. It's ok, don't worry about them. Make up a story to go with, such as the scar from battling the grizzly bear when you were 10.... Link to comment
FreeFallFeelin Posted September 19, 2012 Share Posted September 19, 2012 Shoot man, I couple of scars is what you're worried about? That's nothing! Scars are cool, especially a chin scar. Give you character. Besides, any nit wit that ignores your personality and focuses on a scar isn't worth the $20+ of drinks she's going to drink on the first date! If your chest scar bothers you so much, maybe get a cool tattoo the sort of disguise it. No good woman is going to give a damn about your scars bro. Link to comment
Stevonymo Posted September 19, 2012 Share Posted September 19, 2012 My sister is blissfully happy on her own after divorce! She was married for 14 years and then found out her husband was basically screwing most of the town! Now she wouldn't have another person mess her life up ever again...her words! She is confident, doesn't waste time on obsessing over appearance and is the most grounded, happy soul you could wish to meet. In fact she is happier than ALL my friends that are married. Most of those whinge and ***** that they want out but haven't got the balls! Link to comment
markie6 Posted September 19, 2012 Share Posted September 19, 2012 Yes you can be happy without an SO , but if you stop trying to find a decent one , who you can trust and share things with... well then I think you would end up unhappy. Isn't it a sign of depression when you don't want anything ? Maybe that's just me You don't need somebody else to define who you are, or to make you happy. You need to make you happy.. at least thats my take If you need help finding somebody to make you unhappy... you have come to the right place Link to comment
Slow Club Posted September 19, 2012 Share Posted September 19, 2012 I feel like I might prefer just being single forever too. It's just weird to not have faith in love any more when I've always been an idealistic, hopeless romantic. Oh well. Link to comment
Justme3 Posted September 20, 2012 Share Posted September 20, 2012 Slowclub, you have written what I've been slowly realizing. Link to comment
Stevonymo Posted September 20, 2012 Share Posted September 20, 2012 I have faith in love but none in people to behave in a sane rational way. At first its brilliant but I have yet to find someone that once the initial "new person" shine wears off doesn't let the mask slip and open the box of craaaaazy. Link to comment
Limiya Posted September 20, 2012 Share Posted September 20, 2012 Honestly the scar thing wouldn't bother me, and i don't think it would bother most women. Men are very visual, but i don't think women are AS obsessed about how a man looks rather than behaves. If a man is confident in himself, confident with other people, and well rounded, then i would easily overlook a scar like that. Confidence really is sexy, and i'm going to start working on mine once i get over this break up. I have been single before, and always felt happy and enjoyed my single life. I know myself, and i really like myself. I'm going to have to get to know myself all over again now i'm single, and concentrate on me instead of thinking about someone else all the time. Good thread. Limiya Link to comment
Limiya Posted September 20, 2012 Share Posted September 20, 2012 Also, i just want to add, that my ex boyfriend was fairly overweight, and had the odd fatty lump on his back, legs etc here and there. They were not noticeable but you could feel them profoundly. Plus he lost his hair which was his pride and joy over the past 6 years. He was not what you would call model material, however he is a very confident person (on the outside) and had the best smile and eyes i'd ever seen. I loved him and was attracted to him no matter what he looked like, and i made sure i told him on a regular basis Even after we broke up, last Friday i sent an email to him, and explained we should have no contact, but i also made it clear to him that he was very handsome, and sexy and not to let anyone tell him otherwise. So please don't worry about a scar on your chin, or on your chest. It means nothing in the long term. Thanks, Limiya Link to comment
markie6 Posted September 20, 2012 Share Posted September 20, 2012 I have always tried to think that you might notice pretty with your eyes open , and yet notice beauty as much as with them open or shut ...that was my way of tying to tell my ex who had low self esteem issues , yet looked like a shorter Julia Roberts ( Notting Hill time ) Link to comment
Snowtown Posted September 20, 2012 Share Posted September 20, 2012 I can't imagine the scar thing putting any one off imo. You'll just have to see how you get on won't you.....it is gonna take some getting used to being on your own after 16 years, give yourself some time , don't rush into anything else with someone too soon. I wish you well. Link to comment
Snowtown Posted September 20, 2012 Share Posted September 20, 2012 I have always tried to think that you might notice pretty with your eyes open , and yet notice beauty as much as with them open or shut ...that was my way of tying to tell my ex who had low self esteem issues , yet looked like a shorter Julia Roberts ( Notting Hill time ) that's a good one Markie. Link to comment
quirky Posted September 20, 2012 Share Posted September 20, 2012 Yeah, don't worry about the scars. I actually really like them, it's a plus if someone has a scar..seems like they've gone through something, if that makes sense. Regarding being happy without a SO. I think you can but from my experience women manage it better than men. I get my emotional support from friends, family, here, social interractions. We women are more tuned to the sharing and caring attitude. Many men get that from their partners, they become more vulnerable and open around their gf. Give it some time, 16 years is a long time, it will take a while to feel inspired to date again. Link to comment
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