Situations Where NC Didn't Make Sense?

[MagicForest]

Curious as to whether there are any NC naysayers out there...or situations where it just didn't make sense or backfired?

[nates1984]

I moved a couple months after I got dumped, so we had to contact each other to exchange the rest of our stuff. There are probably other practical reasons to break NC as well. In fact, she was considering putting her cat down due to health problems, and she called me to talk about it and get my feedback (me and her kitty loved each other, I was such a good baby daddy).

 

Even if one person dumps the other and it isn't a mutual split, if things are bad, you're both miserable, you're both sensitive to the others feelings, and mature enough then NC makes no sense. Such was the case for my last relationship. Neither one of us ran off to get a rebound, we're both waiting to heal before we see other people. We're also considering reconciliation, which just would of never happened if we didn't see each other every couple weeks (we needed to see the other was emotionally stable and could go into reconciliation realistic and eyes wide open).

 

NC is for situations where one person really has a hard time letting go, things ended with a lot of bad feelings between the two people, where one or both is too immature to handle it, or one or both people did something really evil like cheat or destroy property. If it was a relatively "calmer" break up then NC isn't necessary.

 

EDIT: I mean things are bad in the relationship and you were both miserable while you were still together. Sorry for the ambiguity.

[MagicForest]

Interesting. I, for my part, would like to try reconciliation with my ex somewhere down the line. There was no animosity in the breakup. We decided to stay friends and he expressed that he still had strong feelings but that a break seemed right given where we both are in our lives. All the same, I feel like seeing him would just resuscitate the pain of not being able to be more intimate and close, since we do have new boundaries.

[bw92116]

The purpose of the NC period is to heal emotionally and recover from the breakup and loss of the relationship, and to re-center yourself on your own life and restore your sense of self. If all these things have been accomplished, for real, and there are still no raw emotions, and you've accepted the relationship is over, and you've truly moved on, then the NC period is kind of pointless, I guess. If you mutually decided to stay friends, and the friendship is mutually rewarding and mutually beneficial, AND all the healing from the breakup of the "couple" relationship has finished, then I assume that means you can continue contact. But as your last sentence says, it may be hard for you to just stay in the "friend zone." You may develop feelings all over again, or the feelings you have/had may be revived, and you'd be right back where you were. Or, you may just adapt to the new reality that your relationship isn't nearly as close as it was. It might get awkward to stay friends if either one or both of you find new lovers. All these things are kind of unknowns at this point.

[Redtide]

I'm taking the challenge of NC for a month and focusing on me. It's the hardest damn thing I've ever done but I'm sure it'll put things into perspective and give he and I both time to think.

[Minx2012]

How does NC " backfire "? I think about it logically.

 

Your ex is causing you pain. -> Get rid of the pain -> Go NC -> No ex in the picture, no pain -> No pain is due to NC -> Yay, NC! -> Win for me!

 

The only way that NC " backfires " is when you take it for something that it is NOT : It is NOT a way to get your ex back. People who believe that NC is a way to get their ex back into their lives are fooling themselves and letting other opportunities pass by them while they pine away for a " ghost of an ex ". Let's face it : When a relationship ends, it's bc the person in it has CHANGED. When you pine for an ex, you are really pining away for what he or she USED to be when you first met in the honeymoon stages.

[Zero71]

It's only pointless if you truly accept that the relationship is over or if there are kids involve. Otherwise spare yourself the trouble and heartache. You can't force someone to be with you if they don't feel the same way.

[markie6]

NC is for damage control , if having contact isn't damaging either of you ( neither have feelings or wanting to get back together ) than there is no need , there are plenty of situations where NC can't be done and people work through it , work ...kids , shared homes etc

 

But if 1 party wants to get back together and the other doesn't then being friends can be very awkward , especially if it's too soon.

 

After a period of NC , people do tend to start to view things differently, what once blindsided them, can now be disected and logicaly looked over. Perhaps there were signs after all. It's these signs that all was not roses , that can actualy make you rethink the relationship. See it for what it was from the outside. A lot of people are forced into this sort of thinking and are then able to view it all without the raw emotion clouding the issue

 

if it was a mutual split, you would have always been better of as just friends , then NC seems pointless, aslong as you are both on the same page

 

If one party wants the other... then it is pretty much just dragging out the pain. If the other doesn't know what they want... then it's limbo central and nobody needs that

[skyhop333]

NC makes no sense when someone goes NC out of the blue just to date someone else, then keeps contacting you weeks later because they said that they missed you. Three times. Then when that wasn't enough, using NC with the phone, i.e., they can call you but you can't call them. This makes no sense. There is nothing that makes a person more apathetic or indifferent than abuse of NC. Keep in mind, i made no effort to establish contact after they initiated it. I figured what is done is over. I guess for some reason they have difficulty in deciding what they want but I am at the point where "whatever" is the norm.

 

It's just way overboard when your not accused of any wrong doing, (they keep saying it's all their fault to re-establish contact) but they continue to abuse NC to cheat or manipulate circumstances.

 

Eventually, the urge to answer a call or return a text or email subsides and you just get to a point you don't care. I made it a point to say to them "if I am not wanted around, say so and I will easily go". What part of that didn't they get? They go? Fine. Just don't keep coming back, that's just going to far. I figure if they want to leave then just do it and quit the games.

 

Then when they wonder why you don't want to respond or even care? This is the part I don't get.

 

NC is fine when it's to help heal, not to abuse. Just my opinion.

[MagicForest]

Thanks for the advice. I don't think I'm pining for the honeymoon stages...things were amazing between us until a fairly intense emotional meltdown I had. I've been depressed and insecure, and he felt that while he wanted to be there for me, my reactivity was too stressful to deal with. This is why he suggested a break, so I could work on those things. He was clear that he wanted to offer support as a friend but in the context of a platonic relationship with no expectation of getting back together. He also said that he wasn't saying this would be forever, just that he knew it would take time and work for me to figure out some of my emotional stuff. And in the meantime he didn't have the strength to be in a relationship.