In love with best friend!

[Why the hell not]

I am severely confused at the moment! I did a bit of experimenting with a guy 3 years back and discovered it was not that bad! Quite enjoyed it actually as well as the fact that i really enjoy heterosexual sex. I believe that makes me bisexual. The problem is that due to this I am of the opinion that I can fall in love with anyone, as seeing as the gender doesn't matter to me, the person is what i fall for.

 

Therein lies the problem. I did fall in love with someone, he just happens to be my best friend. I couldn't lie to him (through silence) and given the 1% chance that he felt the same way i told him that i loved him and asked if he would ever consider anything.

 

He was totally shocked and clearly said that he has never been attracted to another man and can't even begin to entertain the thought of a gay relationship. He told me that I had lost his trust! I had to take the risk though, as if he had even had an ounce of reciprocation it would have been worth the risk.

 

After many a discussion and explaining to him that it was his personality and energy that i fell for and not a purely sexual thing, he understood and assured me that our friendship was important enough for him to help fix the situation.

 

On the surface since then i have been a five star friend and just reverted back to our friendship the way it was before i felt this way about him. I deserve an Oscar for the performance! Every day since then I just see more and more why i fell for him in the first place. He is a genuinely good sole and has the best and brightest intentions and an awesome future ahead of him. Admittedly he is very good looking and as far as guys go, has a perfect body! Which makes it all that much more compounded!

 

Oh, i forgot to mention that we live in the same house! You can't imagine the pain i endure on a daily basis. I am extremely happy to be in his company all the time but the agony of knowing it can never be more is killing me. I am alive and vibrant, good looking and full of potential but this is just sapping every last ounce of energy out of me! I know he loves our friendship and being such a great person it would be unfair of me to just block him out of my life due to my inability to cope.

 

The sick part is that there is not one part of my day that he is not in my mind, i am constantly fanticising about him turning around one of these days and saying, "you know what, i know i am not gay, but for you i'll give it a shot!". I know this will never happen and yet my mind weaves this fantasy world without my control.

 

What is so irritating about the situation is that he is and has always been single (something i find a bit strange for a demi-god) and even when he does seem to be getting into something good, he ends it and/or the woman he is after ends it! I am also single and have been so ever since i fell for him as i can't bring myself to even look at another person. As we live together we are in a seudo-relationship by default. We eat together, call each other if we are late, go to movies together, laugh and go partying together. We plan almost everything in unison and whenever i make plans to do something he is always first in line.

 

I guess my question is fourfold:

 

How can he be so comfortable with spending such a lot of time with me if he knows how i feel?

 

Why with such a perfect personality match can a person not see beyond the gender, as i manage to do?

 

How do i mamage this pain without being unfair on our friendship?

 

Am i setting myself up for devestation, because he WILL find a woman no doubt and when he does i wonder if it will mean a thing to him to turn around and walk away from what is now a very comfortble situation for him which i think he is wallowing in because he gets all the benefits of a loving relationship from me which he will replace with the next persons affection as soon as he can!!!!!

 

Any advice will be invalueable at present. Thanks

[jamesy1234]

Its a tough call, I guess you better learn to be content and live with the situation as is. He has already said he is not interested in a sexual thing, so there you have it. You will not be able to move on with anything. Life goes on for everyone, but you. Guess you have a tough decision to make.

[Cadence308]

That is unfortunate that you shared your feelings about your friend to him and he doesn't feel the same way. I'm sure it's tough to still be as close as you are knowing that nothing can come of it. However, I think that your first question: How can he be so comfortable with spending such a lot of time with me if he knows how i feel?

is homophobic. Your friend can be comfortable spending so much time with you knowing how you feel because he cares about you as a friend. It just shows that not everyone out there is homophobic and will react negatively when someone of the same sex is attracted to them. You are very lucky, in that regard.

 

I have no idea why your friend can't see beyond gender. I guess it goes back to the whole "what makes someone attracted to another?" It could be their smile, their laugh, their walk, their personality, the way they look. If you want to know what your friend looks for in a significant other I would just ask him.

 

I'm not sure how you can manage your pain without being unfair to your friendship. One girl I know of who has a crush on her closest friend said that she was so in love with this friend that she would do anything this person asked. I think for you, you need to accept that your friend is not interested in something more serious other than friendship. Maybe it may be best for you to move somewhere else since you guys reside in the same house. It sounds like it has been tough on you trying to get over this guy. You might want to think about meeting other guys who are gay or bisexual. Go to a club, join a gay organization, just get to be friends with people and see where it goes. I think friendships are the best way to intimacy and relationships.

 

I hope that I've given you something here.

[thePuma]

I have no idea why your friend can't see beyond gender.

 

As far as I know, homosexuality still is considered to be ruled by one's genes and is defined by the hability to feel sexually aroused by a person of the same gender. This is a really big question as, on the other hand, some studies suggest that our sexuality is something cultural and not natural. Whether a person can fully turn into bisexuality solely by means of external suggestion is still an unproved fact.

 

As for my personal experience, I have tried for several years to develop bisexuality, and something that tells me that one can't turn bisexual by his own will, is that I have never felt any kind of arousal or even an erection before of a male body. I suppose one can be very open-minded but the mechanisms in our brain that provide means, as vital for reproduction as the coupling of two different genders, can't be manipulated. Yet.

 

So, as a comment to Ballys good post, I would only like to add that, choosing our sexuality isn't something easy. Even if Why the hell not!!'s friend tried to ignore the fact that he is a man (which by itself can be a really big effort given one's culture and society), this friend probably would never feel sexually attracted to him as he is. Personally, I wouldn't want to live in an unbalanced relationship like this.

 

Why the hell not!!, if things don't work the way you wanted, don't blame him. Blame society, natural instincts or science. Think of this as just another barrier between two people. I know that this guy is THE ONE, but we all can think of perfect straight couples who just can't be together because of social barriers. On the other hand, because of this BIG flaw, maybe he really isn't the one.

[shorty4ever15]

That sounds like a really tough situation. From my own personal experience i know how it feels to be constantly thinking and fantisizing about someone that you can never truly be in a sexual relationship with. It is one of the most painful things I have ever had to deal with. And the only advice to you that i can offer is that somehow or another you need to separate yourselves and start moving on. It still is rough living in our society knowing that you are attracted to the same sex, but if your thinking about other people over just one individual, it really lowers your stress. I myself am slowly starting to realize that me and my friend will never work out, and as im beginning to see this realization, i started feeling a little better (still not good at all mind you) but by not thinking about the same person 24/7, i started seeing other people in my mind that i could see myself with; thus, almost giving me something to keep going on for. And as a start, maybe you just might consider doing what BALLY'S mentioned "Maybe it may be best for you to move somewhere else since you guys reside in the same house."

 

I hope I've given you something to think about and whether or not I did good luck!

[SarCareBear]

I DO know how you feel because I was in a similar situation, well sort of.

 

I fell in love with MY best friend (girl, girl). The situation came about where I didn't say anything about it for a long time, but we came together when she acknowledged it in herself. My feelings are, it is almost IMPOSSIBLE to fall deeply for someone you know very well without it being reciprocated, that woud be too cruel a thing to exist.

 

Not to give false hope, but I kind of think your friend is not ready to come to terms yet. Not saying he's going to hop in the sack wiht yuo anytime soon, but give some more time to the situation, observe his dating habits, etc. Maybe one day you can ask him again. If he turns you down, definitly get out on the local gay scene and find someone who makes yuo happy.

[lifetooshort]

You are in a very real relationship nothing seudo about it. Do you love him, YES? Does he love you, if he didn't he wouldn't be your best friend. Do you have intimacy between the two of you, after reading your post, YES? Sounds like a real relationship to me. The fact is that you're not the only one out there in this situation. I wish I had an easy answer to give, if I did I would use it for myself to solve my situation but I don't. Love isn't about gender, race, age, etc. Love is about the feeling that you get when you think about him, when you look into his eyes and he looks into yours and you both sense the connection. The fact that you would like to have a physical relationship is normal at least in the context of this situation. You want to be close to him and having a physical relationship with him would give you another way to express your love. It would be helpful if you would give a more detailed account of your relationship. I mean the dynamic that exists between the two of you. Why did you choose each other as best friends?

[Why the hell not]

It is incredible that you all took the time to give your advice. Thanks. In reply to "lifetooshort" there is no doubt that we are in a real relationship. I believe that there are just barriers that can't be surmounted at the moment.

 

Our relationship is in essense a great friendship. He has come from a quiet and conservative background but is very open minded. It's very hard for him to communicate but he always seems to do so when i prompt him and normally always with positive responses. I love him and i know he loves me (it is just not something he would say, even to his own mother!) We met because he needed a place to live and i had a room to rent, simple as that, and a few initial conversations we had soon after he moved in set the stage for a really great friendship.

 

We are in no way 'touchy feely' and i must admit, if we were ever to get physical i think it would be a shock to both of us. I just come from a different vantage point in that i have experienced a gay relationship and realise how small the barriers are when you just take the plunge yet i know how huge those barriers are given someone who hasn't even considered it before.

 

It irritates me so much how this has complicated my life, being bisexual is harder than being outright gay as your options are so much more confusing!

 

I think I will just hang on to the hope that even if he is not the one, there will be someone someday that looks at me the same way i look at him! Man or woman! I don't want to live in false hope but i am allowing myself the slight possibility that he will be the one but alas, if that is not the case I will survive, we always do!

 

Thanks again everyone, what a relief to be able to talk so openly and yet so anonymously! strange!