He wants to know if I've been faithful to our vows

[itcouldbe2001]

Okay, this just is so uncomforatable. I left my husband officially six months ago becuase of his chemical dependency/alchohol issues. We have been married for over 23 years, together for 26 years (since I was a teenager). I raised four children with (from him) while he partied. I begged him, pleaded with him, asked him, to stop partying and become the father and husband our family needed. Instead, when under the influence, he insulted me, made me feel bad about myself.

 

We stopped sleeping together two years ago. When our last child moved out I told him I couldn't take it anymore. I told him if things didn't change I was leaving him. He didn't take me serious and finally I left. After being gone five months my husband decided that I was serious, and went and got assessed and began CD treatment. He's in his third week and says its the best thing that ever happened to him. He has admitted to being under the influence literally for the past 36 years of his life! He has admitted to me that he hid alcohol in the garage so he could continue to drink and I wouldnt know.

 

He has lied to me, time and time again, for 26 years about his drug use and his alcohol use. And now, he asks me if I have been faithful to him.

 

Since I left I must admit I haven't been. After I left I got involved in an emotional affair that will, I know in the long run, lead to nowhere. I have had physcial contact a few times early on in the relationship with this man, but now just basically sleep (yes, just sleep) over at his house from time to time and talk to him daily. It fills a loneliness in my life.

 

Am I horrible? I did break our vow but I think it was broken long before when he vowed to love, honor and cherish me all of our days. All of the lies, all of the disappointments that he gave me, weren't those breaking our vows?

 

As an aside, he is in his third week of treatment and is planning a huge halloween party at our house on halloween. Does this even make sense? He thinks he is going to be just fine having a party like this...he ASSURES me he isn't going to drink -- and wants me there. To be in the house that I pay half for and pretend that I am just peachy with everything. And, of course, that I am honoring him and not breaking our vows.

 

Help me! I am going crazy over this!

[DBL]

I don't agree with messing around if your married. I been separated 7 months and I haven't been with nobody else. My wife claims she hasn't either, but after reading all this, I am probably just kidding myself.

 

In your case, you may as well just tell him and get it over with, you should probably told him when he was getting treatment.

 

Good Luck

 

DBL

[MattTheStudent]

Hello there. Perhaps I can give you a little bit of perspective that I've learned being around many alcoholics in recovery. I am 22 and have been sober for two years(yes, no alcohol, pot- nothing), and although I didn't have it "as tough" as some of the guys out there, I have met many a person who went from being the scum of the earth while they were out drinking and partying to being saints in recovery. I don't agree with messing around when you're married, but I don't blame you- I also don't agree with people neglecting their families to drink and drug. So I guess my point is, talk to him about it, share your feelings with him, be careful while he's in early recovery (it might be a good idea to talk to him while he's still at treatment), or wait and see if you want to get back together, if the love you once shared is still present in his sober self. I would defnitely recommend seeing a professional either way- things like this are best not done alone. Good luck and stay strong my friend.

[itcouldbe2001]

DBL, I don't agree with messing around either. But don't you think that, considering he vowed to love, honor and cherish me that he broke our vows long ago?

 

Maybe I should have been more clear about our history. I was faithful for over a half century with someone who wouldn't have a physical relationship with me for the past two years; he is someone who wouldn't work for extended periods of time (one time for four years), who used drugs and alcohol forever, and has openly admitted he has lied to me about most everything on a daily basis.

 

As for the messing around that I don't agree on. I failed to mention the time I caught him openly kissing another woman outside of a friends home one night after a party, or when I was called by another woman, just shortly after the birth of our last child, demanding to speak to my husband, as she was his friend and that thier relationship was none of my business. Or how he would pick fights with me so he could take off and leave me with the kids while he'd be out all hours of the night -- or most recently, after I had major surgery to get my organs reattached he left me alone, totally unattended for eight full nights, overnight with no explaination as to where he was.

 

He is just now in outpatient treatment and is planning a huge party on halloween to be held in the house that I continue to pay half for.

 

I don't know the circumstances of your seperation. I wouldn't wish this hell on anyone. The man I promised to love all of my days ignored me, didn't support me emotionally or phsyically. If a plant was treated the way I was it would have died long ago. I still have feelings for him though...it's crazy. I could possibly still forgive him. But I feel terrible because someone reached out to me and something physical happened. And a supportive, not physical, friendship grew out of it.

 

I know in my marriage I truly believed, hoped, prayed and gave my all for our relationship all those years thinking that someday he'd love me. Finally I had to leave him, with everything, still supporting him financially, before he would tell me that he has kept his vows with me...to love honor and cherish me for all of our days.

 

Why did your wife and you separate? Would you forgive her if she were me?

[itcouldbe2001]

I meant I was with him quarter of a century, not half century. I have been in counseling for about 10 months -- but I am not strong enough to end this relationship with my husband. I still have the 'happy ever after' dream. It's what everyone would want. My husband, my children, my friends. For everything to be just as wonderful as the picture I painted our lives to be to the outside world.

 

I would think that if he really did love me he would have to understand that I didn't just go running around on him. I was abandoned by him, lonely, so horribly sad. I don't believe that people who are in wonderful marriages stray. I think if he truly loved me he'd understand and that forgive me for what I have done.

[Amethyst]

You say you don't agree with "messing around if you're married", but that's EXACTLY what you did. If you truly didn't agree with it, then you wouldn't have done it.

 

This may sound harsh, but it really doesn't matter what he did. It's like that old maxim, "if such-and-such jumped off a bridge, would you?". Your husband made a choice to break his vows. Yes, it was wrong; No, he should not have done it. However, YOU made the SAME choice. Yes, it was wrong; No, you shouldn't have done it. As DBL said, separation is no reason to have an affair. As long as someone is married, s/he should be faithful.

 

It sounds to me like you know you were wrong, but you continue to make excuses to justify your behavior. Sorry, but there's no justification for it. I'm not saying you're a horrible person, but you did do something that was very wrong. Honestly, you have no right to be so angry with him for his infidelity when you're guilty of the same.

 

Relationships are built on honesty and trust. Don't you think there have been enough lies and betrayal in this relationship? Be honest with him; you've made your bed -- now you need to lie in it. (No pun intended.)

[DBL]

I'm not saying that he deserves someone to be faithful, it is obvious you all didn't have a very good marriage already. I personally don't go to someone outside my marriage because I have too much pride in myself and my morals. I have to look in the mirror every morning and know I am doing the right things now.

 

I know you been through some stuff, so I don't blame you for slipping. You weren't treated very well, sounds like you been vulnerable all them years. You can only beat a dog so much before it bites. I'm not sure what your intentions are on the marriage. If he comes clean with everything then maybe you should too, if he doesn't then bring it to the grave. Your not like other women on here that was having an affair for a month then got caught, then realize they did something wrong. I think if the circumstances didn't present themselves you would of not done it. I think there is a difference, if I was your husband and I treated you that way and realized I did, I would have to find inside me to forget about it.

 

My wife left because we could not get along. Nobody cheated on nobody. I basically couldn't meet her standards. We tried a second time...I tried everything I could to get things right but it just was not good enough for her so she left again.

 

DBL

[rosalind24]

If you're not happy, get a divorce.

 

You can justify a divorce, but nothing justifies cheating.

[SecondChance]

You should tell him the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

WHICH means that you cheated, and for a reason - lots of them, probably - because you were lonely, pissed off, depressed, whatever. These aren't excuses, they are explanations.

Marriage is a system, and yours was an extremely unhealthy one. There will be consequences of an unhealthy system. Basically, I'm trying to point out that the affair, while ultimately your responsibility, was a consequence of a system in which BOTH of you participated AND created. He needs to realize that if he trashes his marriage, there are going to be consequences for his relationship with his wife, one of which (the affair) probably would have happened way earlier in any other relationship.

He needs to stay sober, you both need to stay in counseling.

Sure, you were pissed off and an affair wasn't the best way to meet your needs, but if he has a better suggestion of what you should have done in that situation to a) express your anger in a healthy way and b) meet your needs in a healthy way, let him say so.

Sure, you're sorry for the affair, but putting 100% of the blame on yourself will deny you and your husband an opportunity to look at your relationship and figure out TOGETHER - why did this happen? what can WE do to prevent it from happening again? What was HIS contribution? Don't let your husband off the hook for this one - you are probably way too good at accepting blame, which is why it took you so long to break out in the first place.

[Amethyst]

These aren't excuses, they are explanations.

 

I disagree. An explanation is given as a way of telling why you did something while taking responsibility for it. Excuses are used to deflect responsibility which she seems to be doing. (Yes, she does exhibit guilt, but that's not the same.)

 

Go back and re-read the thread. When another poster denounced her affair, her reply was to tell him that he didn't "understand" her past and what she'd been through. She also said she disagreed with messing around while you were married and then went on to list her husband's infractions. It's almost like she was saying she was blameless because she was against affairs, but his infidelity gave her no choice. Nuh-uh, no way, no how. *She* had an affair. Her husband didn't twist her arm, hold a gun to her head, or otherwise "make" her do it. She did it on her own.

 

We cannot control how others act; but, we *can* control how *we* REact. She couldn't control her husband having an affair, drinking, doing drugs, abandoning her, etc., but she COULD control her reaction to all of that through having the affair. We all have choices, and she made hers.

[Scout]

Listen, I'm not going to judge you. Because the bigger picture is just what DBL said: it honestly doesn't sound like you two have had a very good marriage. It sounds like a good deal of it was stressful, antagonistic, and you two were often at odds with each other.

 

Are you currently going to marriage counseling? If not, I recommend it.

[itcouldbe2001]

I got him to go to a counselor (his) once in January, who told him our marriage was doomed unless he got treatment immediately. I got him to go to a marriage counselor 3 times this summer -- he made it through two full sessions and five minutes of another -- because the counselor (a male counselor) told him he needed treatment each time he came in before we could even begin to work on our marriage issues.

 

His cd counselor called me yesterday because she caught him in several "half truths' as she called them. She said that half of my husband genuinely cared about me, the other half of him could care less.

 

She told me that I needed to take care of myself and move on from him. I talked to my husband and we talked about our vows that we made to each other and had both broken during the course of our marriage. He wasn't really that interested in that. He is more upset that he can't have a social life (i.e. [parties, etc) while in treatment. I told him I thought we needed to work on our marriage because it was in crisis -- I asked him to put me and the marriage first. He told me that it never has been first. I think he has solved my dilemma. I contacted an attorney this morning.

[casado001]

lie lie lie lie to him

and some more lying will help too.

 

Man!!

 

Substance abuse= you just lost your rights to the truth!!

[itcouldbe2001]

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Casado001 -- I am confused by your post. What do you mean? That I lied to him or that I should lie to him or that I should never expect the truth from him???