air and sleep

[punished]

How do I get out between a rock and a hard place? My marriage is falling apart. I am more than a little responsible. But I am available for change. To be surrounded by my family on a regular day with regular hiccups and small getsutures of love is what I desire. I know what I want. And I am so close to it. It is right there. But the more I reach for it the more it disappears. So I stop reaching. And it disappears more easily. If I hold him close he pulls away and if I let go he lets go too. I have to hold him just the right amount. And this is my battle. A daily trial and error of closeness. A desperate attempt at friendship. Desperation. It just sounds tiring. I will struggle with this forever or until we are healthy and friends again. Hopefully a love can grow from there the way it did before. Love is so easy. Its this part that is complicated.

 

Insomnia may just be the worst thing for my body. I have opportunities to sleep. And I won't. How do I turn my mind off? I see everything falling and I need to catch it. What if I miss something important? One little mistake can cost my children and me a life without their father. That is a lot to have on your shoulders. How on earth can one be expected to sleep under these conditions? I can no longer mentally funtion. My body is wasting away. This multitide of responsibilities is causing so much anxiety that I struggle to keep food down. All the bad feelings are in my stomache. One might think they would be in my head or my heart. And yet even in a malnourished exhaustion I cannot rest.

 

We are family. My sister will always be my sister and my mother will always be my mother and like it or not my father will always be my father. My husband should always be my husband. I am wired that way. Its family. Family is more important than the rest of the world. It is my air and my sleep. To know someone is there for you and always will be is something I believed in. It was ripped away from me. My whole existence and belief system is being tortured. Punished.

 

 

 

So now there is even more on me. Physical cheating. Porn addiction. The line crossing kind of porn. Smoking again. I have to say its a bit easier to take than the emotional affair. But I am breaking. There is too much weight. He seemed guiltless placing even more on my shoulders. He seemed almost pleased with himself. How can I handle being blamed for his unhealthy decisions? What do I do with that? I guess accept the accountablility. Maybe it is my fault. Now how do I fix it? How do I make it right? It is moments like this that I believe I will never sleep again. I was given a whole day to sleep. And I barely got in a couple hours. Now I have to act well rested. If he knew I didn't sleep when he provided it he would be angry. I won't lie to him. But its not like he is going to ask.

 

He won't stop emotionaly hurting me. He seems to enjoy it at times. And I can't stop physically abusing myself. I know why I do it. The physical pain is easier to take. I need to feel something other than my own breaking soul. But it is not healthy and healthy is the name of the game. So how do I fix it? The how is so hard. The what and why and when and who is so clear. But how? That is the trick. How. I guess this is how I should spend my multitude of brain time tonight. WOrking on the how for this. But I keep going back to why it doesn't bother him to see it and witness it. If he saw her abusing herself would he laugh? I have to stop thinking like that. But its hard. All these years. Of thinking he didn't know how to be there. Explaining it to him. And he knew. He knew the whole time. I can't help but think he owes me big for that. Hours of explaining the same basic concepts over and over. And he knew. He knows. And he is capable of it.

[punished]

accountability. Is this supposed to free me? Make me feel better? Make him feel better? All I know is that it's important. So I'm sorry for all I've done to push you this so far. I pulled back a long time ago and changed my choices and put us above all. I need you to pull back from the pushing now. We need to take a break from our unhealthy choices not each other. I truly do take a lot of blame. And knowing I hurt the man I love is so painful. I'm sorry.

[punished]

the last 24 hours have been peaceful. Lets hope it stays that way today. Lovely peace. Laughing children. Good vibes. Beautiful day.

[punished]

counseling. Such a difficult thing. I get so worked up before I go, then I am afraid the whole time I'm in there, then that's it. Here's your homework. Until next week. He sits next to me in there. He keeps a straight face and doesn't roll his eyes and listens to the counseler and uses eye contact and answers her questions. Another thing I am learning that he is completely capable of. I go back and forth on whether or not he is simple minded and doesn't know any better or if he is brilliant and knows exactly what he is doing. I wanted to leave today. I told her that. "I don't want to be here" I felt the walls closing in. She told me to stay. It gets worse first. It will get better. How? One of these weeks, any one of them, he is going to turn to me and tell me he is done. Done with me. Done being a family. Finality. When he does it it will be in that room. I know it. But I have to keep going. Nothing is going to get better if I don't go and put something into it. But I am so full of fear being in there. Being afraid is something I find myself getting more and more used to. What a terrible thing to be good at.

[punished]

dealing with an emotionally selfish person is at best tiring and at the worst moments depressing. I know what needs to be done. He needs to be catered to. His needs need to be met. After all, after insulting me it must be hard on him to listen to my distaste for it. Lets talk about that. How does that make you feel when I get sad about your insults? Frustrated? Oh, poor you. That must be hard. What can we do to help you through this? Do you need some time to yourself? I'll take the kids. I'll take care of everything. Why don't you take a break. Oh, and I'm sorry I got so upset by your words and your actions. You have every right to treat me poorly without it affecting you in any negative way. Enjoy your you time. Love you.

[punished]

how do you know when something is a choice or an addiction? How to you put up a shield against emotional abuse while leaving yourself open to your partner? How do you tell your partner how upset they make you feel without sounding like a whining victim? How do I find the strength when I haven't slept more than a couple hours in weeks?

[punished]

I am trying lots of new tricks lately. They seem to be working. Hopefully I can keep this up.

[punished]

Why is it so hard? Its love. It should be easy. I love you. That is easy. I really messed up. I can't believe it actually. This may have been my last chance. I may not make it out this time. I can't focus on "how do I fix this?" as I usually do. This time it is "can I fix this?" Please. Let the answer be yes. I won't give up trying. I will try for the both of us. Reevaluate. Find the strength. Move mountains. Act happy at all times. I can do it this time. I will be successful. Otherwise I won't survive.

[punished]

I don't even know what my emotions are while I am experiencing them. Am I angry? sad? confused? stressed? depressed? anxious? I hate being asked how I feel because I really don't know. I usually just rock back and forth and hope for the best. I am not comfortable in my house or in my skin or alone with my thoughts. If I try to make an effort to do something to better myself I find it goes terribly wrong and I wish I hadn't tried it. I feel I am unlovable. If I open myself up to someone it doesn't go well. I fear there is something really wrong with me. I don't understand a lot of what I am being told at counseling and I find myself becoming a bit of a show for her. I felt humiliated and small. Childlike. I wish I understood. I absolutely hate feeling confused about information or expectations. I become panicked. How am I supposed to figure it out if I'm panicked? I don't. And they give up on me. They all do. Written off. Given up on.

[punished]

So if I feel unlovable and have a problem with rejection then what do I do when my therapist doesn't even like me? Interesting and upsetting pickle I'm in with this one.

[punished]

I feel that his emotional abuse is going to break me. I already feel broken but still have hope that I can survive this and that my marriage can survive this and that my children can survive this. But if the emotional abuse doesn't stop I don't think I'll make it through.

 

When I feel disrespected or insulted or judged I started telling him. I get one of two answers.

1. "NO I'm not"

2. "Yes but you deserve it"

 

sometimes there is a third response:

3. "oh, Im sorry I'll stop." But he continues to insult me more. Stronger. With even more disgust and hatred.

 

He claims he thinks I don't do anything in marriage couseling. That I don't participate. That the couseling isn't working and its my fault.

 

He calls me crazy. He says he doesn't understand anything. And then he calls me stupid.

 

He tells me that both my marriage counselor and my individual couselor have trouble talking with me because I'm difficult. He tells me that everyone agrees with him. That he can't "fix me" and that I should take what he says and deal with it on my own.

 

He rolls his eyes and smirks while I answer his questions. and sits with his eyes closed while I cry.

 

And then he says he doesn't emotionally abuse me.

 

I agree with him. I am crazy. I can't control my emotions anymore. I can't control my anger and my sadness and my distaste for his actions. I have no control anymore. How is he supposed to deal with that? He can't. So what do we do? He chooses nothing. I choose love and kindness. Then we argue about that.

 

Entering the office I feel so panicked. If he is going to leave me this would be the room he would tell me in. It would be here in front of Sarah so she could "deal with me" and he could just sit back. Saying it in front of Sarah makes it real. I avoid any question from her that leads to that answer. I panic again. Everyone is looking at me waiting for my response. I just say "I don't know". But I do know. I just don't feel safe saying it in front of him.

 

Then I feel peace. He isn't breaking up with me today. And he is nice to me in front of Sarah. But I better watch what I say. No need to give him amunition for later.