Hurting, distracted, setting myself up to fail

[bpm103]

It's been 35 days since my ex ended our 4.5 year relationship. I emailed her acknowledging how I was a bad boyfriend but that I loved her very much. I told her that I am now dedicated to my sobriety and getting healthy and I AM! I know that I need to get better - at the end of our relationship and even early on now that I think about it, I was very insecure. I have low self esteem and I think poorly of myself due to upbringing and playing into the role of a jerk as a defense mechanism. Anyway, I wanted to get that on the table in my email that I understood why she would want to end it, plus we were now trying to work things out long distance and there was no "plan" as far as moving back close to each other. She responded a few days after I sent the email and said she is glad I am getting help and she is glad I am focusing on my sobriety. She wants me to do it for me. She said I can always count on her at the end of the email but she did not receiprocate saying I love you or I miss you. That hurt bad. Anyway... I have a STRONG sense that she is seeing somebody else because the break came rather sudenly after what I though was a really nice weekend that we spent together on a visit. I felt like we connected on every level but apparently she did not. She never really addressed that when I questioned it. So, I texted her last Friday, July 6th, asking her if she is moving on. I told her that she is my best friend and I basically poured my heart out to her. She said her heart hurts too, she thinks of me every day, and she loves me but that she doesn't feel that she is in love with me anymore. She said she is moving o because she thinks that is best. I asked if there was someone else and she said no. I asked if she saw a future together as a couple for us and she sai, "No, not right now. The things you need to change arent going to be fixed in 60 days (how long I have been sober)". I asked if she thinks we could reconnect in the future once I am healthy and she said "Who knows what the future hold? I dont. I loved you more than I ever loved anyone and it still wasn't enough. That is what hurts the most. I know you will get better but you need to do it for yourself."

 

I AM CRUSHED. I was too much into my addictions and other issues to really see what I had. Something clicked for me after my last relapse and I know it's not about not drinking/using. It's about changing who I am and becoming a better man. I am dedicated to doing this but I just am in so much pain.

 

I have an opportunity for a new job here at my company and it's a great opportunity. But I am completely paralyzed at work. The only thing that helps me right now is looking into myself and trying to heal. Work is extremely difficult. I cannot focus. My performance is WAY down. And I am terrified that I am going to bomob this interview process because I am such a wreck.

 

I miss her so much. I had everything I ever wanted in a woman and I trashed it. I am holding onto hope based on what she said, "not right now" and "Who knows what the future holds" but I think maybe she was just trying to be nice because she knows I am a mess.

 

I don't know how to live right now!

[csr14]

All you can do is just keep swimming, I know it sounds corny but its true. You clearly hurt her and I truly believe she cares for you but you can't focus on her. You need to focus on fixing you because if all you do is focus on is getting her back and pretending you've changed you are likely to fall into the very rut you were in, in the first place. So keep your eyes on the prize - the job opportunity - focus on bettering yourself and getting beyond your addiction and everything else will fall as it may. Is there a chance in the future? I would say maybe- anything is possible. I don't really think she is seeing someone else. She just knows that she can't fall back in with you right now bc it will be the same pain. Sometimes it hurts so much to love someone because of what they put themselves and you through and I would say that is the situation she's in. Focus on yourself! It will be the only way your ever going to be happy - with her or anyone else. I commend you for fixing yourself and your addictions. Just know, you need to do it for yourself and yourself only. Best of luck.