Missing the person your Ex was before

[Dinocaz]

Hi a very good post by sonicfan287 today got me thinking ( post is here for those who may have missed it > ) and actually helped clear my mind somwhat which was fuzzy after todays events. Thanks Sonicfan btw for your words of encourgment!

 

I took my daughter for a coke, I sipped on a larger, we spoke about a few things its not often we speak about the break up. She asked some questions I answered them best I could. She said she felt really sorry for me the last weeks we were all in the house together. I didnt deny to her it was hard, I was wanting to ask all the questions we know we should not ask and I managed not to through pure will power. She asked if my family still liked her, told her they love her it was like she was looking for confirmation that she is still cared for. She was always close to my younger brother and his wife and she said she didnt want to stop seeing them, it was said in a way as if I was angry at her for keeping contact. Told her it certainly not so. I did ask if my bro and his wife had been to her house, she said his wife had 1 time when they first moved in but my brother never has. But thats another story.

 

But it got me thinking how I let my ex and my past grab hold of me again today down to 1 single sentance my daughter said which was "can i stay at yours again as mum is out for the night" How much energy I wasted today fretting and having a silent pity party (again!!!) anyway we had a nice night me and Moll she has just gone to bed now. But I was thinking about one question she asked "do you still love her ?" meaning her mum. I blurted out No, and then softned the blow with but I still care thats she is ok. That was some major bull on my part as I dont care less and would be happy to see the tramp in the gutter. But put it in their to make my D feel ok. But I thought about my answer afterwards, and had a mini eurika moment.

I still love the woman my ex from my past, from the days when she was kind and soft and gentle, I still miss that woman, but that woman has gone in every sense of the word. That person evaporated before my very eyes over the past 18 months before we split. That woman that a part of me still loves and always will somwhere vanished and was replaced by a cold bitter angry dishonest and unfaithfull shallow person. The new woman she became I never loved I never missed and never will.

 

All these months I have been missing the past, grieving for what has gone, greiving for a person that in every sense of the word ceased to exsist. The "old" ex I fell in love with is actually no more. Now I know you might say its impossible to say you have jumped forward in only a day or hours, but I feel I have. Its like more of the weight has been lifted off my shoulders. If that new woman walked into my house right now and threw herself at me I would offer only rejection. Not through revenge or rage or anger but becuase I dont know her, dont love her, dont care for her. The new has replaced the old and I suddenly understand that much of what I was mourning for was for a person that no longer actuall exsists. It was my own imagination, the pedestal, the wanting for what has gone.

 

I actually think Im about ready to really start again. Im actually finally letting go.

[OneSadPuppy]

Nice post Dino,

 

I call it the bubble. I want to crawl right back into the bubble, but you can't. The bubble has burst.

Now there is only an empty shell of the person you once knew.

 

My rational brain understands this, but I will still catch myself drifting back when things seemed ideal.

It would catch myself daydreaming about having a conversation with the ideal woman, but than have to wake up and admit, that woman no longer exists for me.

Still gives me a queasy feeling in my chest and a nasty jolt of adrenalin when I do that.

 

On another note, it's a bummer about your daughter.

Poor thing, such a bad age for this type of change.

When my ex-wife and I split, it was such a temptation to bad mouth and hate, but I've always had to tell my son that I'll always love his mother.

I want to encourage him to do the same.

Good catch with your daughter

 

OSP

[sonicfan287]

Hey, Im glad my post gave you inspiration and I'm glad that despite your sadness you're coming to grips with what has happened, and getting that extra step closer. Its not easy, I know and Im SO sorry about everything Ive read from your prior stories. I can't even imagine having kids involved in the emotional mess. I can barely handle my own life and noone else was involved, just her and I...

 

You're REALLY stepping up and being a great dad despite what you're going through and that takes a LOT, I can only imagine. Parenting is one of the toughest things you'll do in life, I truly believe that and parenting under those kind of circumstances is very tough and hard to deal with, I'm sure. I think it says even more of your strength that you didn't say anything bad about her mom and were still able to keep composed and make it about the precious time with your daughter.

 

Still pulling for you as always, Dinocaz

[Dinocaz]

Hi Sonic thanks for your words of support! Means the world to me and others. Given time and the right approach their is no reason why a person can not fully heal from a breakup no matter how hard or how complex it was. Im glad I did not waste time yesterday asking questions that make no difference to me and my life regardless of what the answers might have been. Today im going to have a good day, my daughter is heading out so finally I can put my head down and work.

 

And to you to Sonic keep pushing forward your making strides and can not fail but to come through your own personal hell. Onwards as they say!

[soybeans]

I miss who my ex was before too. I see how he has changed into an obnoxious arrogant douche and if the timing was different, and we were to meet now, I wouldn't even go for him. I guess its just a normal part of life- people change and not always for the better. OR, it was who they were all along and they were just trying to suppress it.

 

More importantly, I miss who I was before we met. I really want to get myself back and stop worrying about him or what he is doing with his life.