Thoughts like daggers stabbing my heart

[bpm103]

Day 2 after break.

 

I sit here working and I maybe get through two minutes of a task and BAM!!!!!... immediately overcome by a memory or thought that sparks intense feelings and emotions. Those emotions range from sadness because I am no longer "together" with my best friend, to remorse for all of the horrible things I have done, to fear of whether I will ever find someone as wonderful as my ex, to jealousy from thinking she is with another man, to envy of her decision to end it once and for all and be free, to paranoia that I may not be enough of this or that.

 

Each thought pops in and it feels like a dagger in my heart. All I want is for these thoughts to stop, but they are not going to. It's my body's physiological response to an event, a reaction to a change. Just like the common cold or a cut or bruise my body has to heal in it's own time. In the past I would try to bury these feelings with other relationships or with alcohol. I will not do that this time.

 

A girl friend told me yesterday to go listen to sad music... really? I should intensify the pain? Should I isolate and really wallow in this and rack my brain for hours? I guess there are multiple schools of thought. I wish I knew the answer - the formal steps to take from minute to minute of what I need to do and if I do those things exactly I would be over this and a happier, healthier person in 150 days or 90 days or whatever.

 

This is the 4th breakup that I have gone through. I'm 35 years old and it's still just as painful. There's nothing to compare it to really. Death is very hard of course but totally different.

 

That's all for now.Thanks.