Anyone "dating" the ex?

[k33]

I am in an odd situation. My husband and I are separated, but together. At least that's what we decided... it is so strange. He needs some time to get his s--t together and so do I... these things happen I guess.

 

When we are together is is absolutely great... but when we are apart it is a little scary. We've been separated for a couple of months and only starting to be together again for two weeks.

 

We've had the best time, laughing, snuggling, little nookie and such... we've done more together in the last two weeks than we have in ages. And we are being really good to eachother and there for eachother. Emotionally, which was lacking before.

 

It is weird though to go to our separate ways after spending time together. And to go to bed alone. But at the same time I know we need to be physically separated for now, while he is dealing with his stuff. And it is weird not to be saying I love you all the time... so strange. But we are starting over as partners... which is totally nice. BUT so scary!!! How do you take it slow without losing the plot?

 

Anyone in the same situation? And how are you coping with it? Are you just freaking out? I totally am.

[melrich]

I went through almost identical about 2 years ago. We separated, after about 3 months started seeing more of each other, then started to get back into a relationship, then moved back in together after about 7 months seperation.

 

Sadly it did not work out. We forgot to resolve the issues that caused us to separate in the first place. Both of us were scared of a life without each other and we went back to what was safe. I'm not saying it will be the same for you but be careful you are not just glossing over the issues you had in the first place.

[k33]

The reason we are separated right now is to sort out the problems that caused us to break up... one of us... hint not me...was not having to take care of himself very much... was getting everything looked after for him. So he is taking the initiative to look after himself. That's the goal, so he can get it together, if he didn't do this there would be no way the relationship could ever go forward.

 

Strange to think that a separation could lead to it going forward... but who knows... it is hard and scary though.

 

I could be totally mad... that is an option too.

[RainaBabe]

I'm in a somewhat similar situation, sweetie, and I've read your posts for quite a while now, so I understand your situation. Mine is somewhat different in that I'm not married to my ex, and I only dated him for a short time, but everything else is really close to what you're describing with your ex.

 

As of last night my ex has basically said that while he's still confused and doesn't know what he wants, he really misses me and that a significant part of him wants to be with me again, and that he wants to take things slowly. We broke up because of control and communication issues on his part, and because of insecurity and clinginess on my part. Since we've been broken up, we've both been working on our own issues, and I plan to keep working on mine no matter what happens with him.

 

It does feel weird to "date" your ex, even though we aren't totally to that point yet (but I think we will be), but at the same time it's sort of nice to have those butterfly-in-your-stomach feelings again, and to go through all the stages of flirting from the beginning again, even though you know your ex pretty well. I think the important thing is to NOT focus on him. You have your own issues that you need to focus on, and you need to work on putting yourself first. That way, if it doesn't work out, you aren't feeling empty and suicidal, because you'll have a life of your own.

 

It wasn't until this breakup that I truly learned about the true meaning of needing to love yourself first before you can be happy with someone else. I'm not totally there yet, but *I'M* my main focus now, not him.

 

The one thing I would recommend to you is to back off a little. I now you two were married, but the making out and such may be too soon. The slower you take it, the more control you retain. Don't just fall back into where you were.

[Smusher]

Have you aked yourself "what would you do/feel, and for how long, if you find out that he has/she has found someone else? and do you have someone asking "about you" romantically that is....? any of you?

[k33]

Smusher--In my case, we've made a pact not to see anyone else while we are working on things. Would complicate it too much. And it would absolutely kill both of us. Our problems never had to do with wanting to be with someone else though.

 

I have a very good friend who is romatically interested in me, and it is hard, because he is a great guy and if circumstances were different, I would probably be seeing him. But I am not going to at this point... if my hubbie and I end up parting, I may, but for now just not worth it.

 

Raina-- that is my plan at this time, I am spending time with other people doing other things and we when we can be together it's great. I am in therapy working on the problems I have insecurities, etc. And doing for myself totally. I've become pretty selfish lately. In a good way.

 

We are talking almost every day and just starting up the dating thing again... but what is weird is it has been so long since I have been "dating" someone seriously that I am not sure of the protocol, or if there should be any protocol in our situation.

 

We are intimate, but it feels natural and not like a game at all. Its good for both of us right now.

 

Who knows what the future is....

[k33]

Oh my god, dating the ex is just like dating in the first place... what a nightmare! Do I call? Do I not call? What do I say... oh man... to be 16 again!

 

Does he like me? What did he mean by xxx? ... geez... I feel like I am in highschool and not in a good way.

[bg]

Wow, Deja Vu! I'm in a VERY similar situation. My ex and I broke up because we had a LOT of issues... he was incapable of compromise and unwilling to give me the things I felt I needed if he didn't completely understand them. I was a bit too clingy and insecure. I moved out 2 weeks ago and we've been chatting and seeing each other, having a much better time together, now that we have some space.

 

I know we both have isues we're working on, and I know that there's a lot of crap in his life that he has to get his head around before he could ever even try to give me anything I need. Still, we both express the desire to get to a point where we can build a solid friendship again and then, potentially, give the relationship another shot.

 

I have never been single before. I have never lived alone before. This is one of the most terrifying things I've ever dealt with. I'm scared silly, I'm also afraid that he may just be putting me on hold until he can find a girlfriend FIRST, thereby sparing himself the hard feelings if I'm the first to hook up.

 

Am I paranoid? Yes. Am I emotionally wrecked? Oh yeah. Am I torn apart and scared out of my mind? You betcha? Is it worth it? Well,despite all the crap we've endured, I still love him a lot and if he can get himself back to the person he was a year ago before his life started to crumble I think it will totally be worth the wait. I know a lot of people think this is nuts, but I'm trying to give myself something I need, and if that happens to be love for someone else, I think it's always worth another shot.

[nicholascrack]

I'm KIIIIINNNDDAAA dating my ex. We hang out almost every chance we get. Its more than friendship, although there isn't much intimate contact. We've been getting closer and closer over the past few weeks. We go on "dates," where we go to dinner, watch movies, hang out at each other's houses and cuddle in bed.

 

Though I am the only guy in her life and she is the only girl in mine, it still seems it is only at a friendship stage. I sometimes think the only reason she isn't moving on is because she doesn't want to hurt me. The last time she moved on, she didn't tell me, I had to see them at a bar, and with everything else going on in my life, I almost fell completely apart. I think she doesn't want that to happen again, because she really cares for me. I tell her that all I want is for her to be happy...

 

Dating my ex. Yeah, its not the least complicated thing in the world to do. We just try to take it one day at a time.

 

Nicholas

[k33]

nicolas and bg,

I love you guys for being in similar situations! It is so weird and scary and terrifying and exciting and all that in one great big ball of confusion. I agree with you bg if they can go back to how thery were before they lost it it willl be worth it.

 

My people all think I am nuts too. I do too sometimes! Ugh, we had a little tif the other day and i was clingy and weird... I will admit it freely to anyone even him... and now I haven't heard from him. He has a friend just come into town, so that is a good excuse... buuuuuuuut I am getting pretty antsy and feeling stupid about the whole thing!

 

My goodness this is crazy... keep tellling your stories... they are the ones that are most helpful to me right now. We can go nuts here and spare the people we are trying to be close to again.

 

kooky, if anyone told me this would be going on a year ago I would have never ever believed it!!!

[Break up Veteran]

Hi all,

 

Yeah me and my ex are kinda dating. 5 year relationship ended this year she found someone else, it didn't last. We got back in contact and now we are sort of seeing each other.

 

At first we tried having dinner at each others houses. I think she got spooked and we stopped that for a while. Then I'd be round hers a lot having dinner. Then we started going clubbing every weekend.

 

Then I took her out for a lunch date (boy she loved it, she was like a giddy schoolgirl). More recently we went to the theatre. I still get invited to dinner at hers at least once a week.

 

The thing is we didn't agree to do this stuff officially, it just sort of happened. We don't really discuss 'us'. So in a way it could be interpredated as friends doing things. The thing is what is the defenition of 'dating'?

 

I would say if you specifically invite someone to accompany you somewhere, just the two of you, that could be a date.

 

If you spend the 'date' only with each other to the exclusuion of others well speaks for itself.

 

If you pay for the 'date' then this makes it even more so.

 

If you at least kiss each other at the end of it, on the lips, well what can I say.

 

Damn, I've just realised that by my own description I have been dating my ex for the last two to three months. What the hell? All that without a word been officially being spoken? I wonder if she is trying to sneak back in via the back door!!? (she dumped me by the way).

 

I hope this helps?