BF's Phone Behavior Late Night & Strange Dream

[loveculture]

My boyfriend and I finished having sex the other night and then went to sleep. I started tossing and turning and while I was awake, he went to the bathroom and was in there for a long time. Then I heard him get out of the bathroom and he left the lights on in the bathroom, but did not come back to bed. I still couldn't sleep and he basically didn't come back for a really long time even after he was done in the bathroom. So, I finally got up and checked on him and saw the door to the bathroom open with the lights in there left on and he was sitting in the living room in the dark with his phone. He stood up when he saw me coming, but then sat back down and I asked if he was ok and he said he couldn't sleep so he was playing this game on his phone. He claimed that he didn't want to wake me with the game. This game he said he was playing is a game I don't know anything about so I don't know if it's one of those games where you can play it for a long period of time or not but I've honestly not experienced this sort of event from a guy before. Is this suspicious behavior or just consideration?

 

Then he came back to bed with me and said he guesses he could just turn the sound off and still play the game in bed without waking me. When he got into bed and opened the game up, he was surprised that the sound was on and quickly turned it off. The sound was very loud too. And I had not heard any sound the whole time he was gone nor when I got up looking for him. This sort of tips me off that he wasn't playing the game, but I'll never be sure.

 

And then once in bed he did play the game, I think. I felt him moving his hands a lot on his phone playing the game for a good five minutes before I fell asleep. Then I woke up again later to see him reading because he still couldn't sleep. I think I trust him. But you never know. The whole thing was a little weird I must admit. I've noticed him take his phone with him when he's gone to shower too. I mean, that's normal I guess since I take my phone sometimes when I go to shower.

 

The odd thing is that he is always checking his phone and doing something on it. Even at all hours of the night super late. When I'm sleeping, I have woken up to see him bending over the bed doing something on his phone. It's weird to me that he bends over his bed instead of just taking it out more in the open. I thought it was because he didn't want the light waking me up, but the other morning while I was awake and getting dressed he was still bending over the bed using his phone and this was like 6am too! I mean, if he's talking to someone, they certainly don't sleep either....I find it so rude to do this in my presence all the time and it bothers me. I make a point not to even check my texts or calls too much when we are together and it's annoying that he is so into his phone. Especially, since we hardly see each other during the week! We see each other about twice a week and in the evening only and that's when I'll sleep over.

 

Now for the last part of my ENA entry...I used to have dreams about my ex bf and sometimes they reflected how I was feeling and not what was actually going on and other times, my dreams were almost spot on to situations that were going on with my ex that I would later find out about. I just have good instincts I guess and I think I try to tell myself the truth when I'm sleeping. So, in my dream, my bf and I had gotten back to bed exactly like we had in reality and he was playing the game on his phone and I said to him you're cheating on me aren't you? You were talking to someone and you weren't playing the game. And he actually was a bit peeved with me and didn't care too much and continued being preoccupied with the game and tried to slough it off. Which is unlike the bf I know in reality because my bf would start trying to explain himself, discuss it and make me feel better. I woke up feeling really strange and now I'm not sure how I feel about my bf. I think I'm starting to lose trust.

 

Is this behavior suspicious? What do I do? I don't want to snoop in his phone and I told him I would never do that. Although, that may be the only way to not have the wool pulled over my eyes?

[amielric]

In my opinion, do not snoop through his phone. Let it be. I know you want to know, but if you look through his phone is causes two problems. He will eventually find out that you looked because if there was something in there that you would not like, you mannerism toward him would definitely be different (even if you try to pretend things are peachy, you real feelings will shine past that act you are trying to put on). This will piss him off severely. You will be upset as well, and from the sounds of things, you two live together. Your home will be in an emotional uproar. Honey, I know you want to know, but you have to be smart. Communication is key. Just like you wish he would be honest (we are not sure if he is yet or not), you need to be as well. There is nothing wrong with telling him how you feel about his phone being out in your presence, your his girlfriend, you have that right. By right he should respect you and make an effort not to if it makes you uncomfortable. You have to compromise in a relationship. Once again, communication is key. Tell him how you felt his behavior is suspicious (Do not nag, guys absolutely hate that. Try to be as calm and as mature as you can in this situation). Express to him how you seemed that it was funny how his phone game was louder than expected. Be honest with him, you will most likely be able to tell the truth if he starts coming up with unmeaningful excuses, or possibly even stuttering.

For now, try to keep the peace in the house hold. I do agree that things sounds suspicious. Whenever you feel the time is right to approach him, do it. Do not second guess yourself. Good luck!

[Silverbirch]

Yes I think it is suspicious. I caught out an exes cheating through his obsession with his phone. He also was taking it in the bathroom with him and out into the yard. It may not be a woman, but I would say something weird is going on.

[loveculture]

Yes I think it is suspicious. I caught out an exes cheating through his obsession with his phone. He also was taking it in the bathroom with him and out into the yard. It may not be a woman, but I would say something weird is going on.

 

How did you find out? Did you check his phone?

[Natasha24]

I know a lot of people on the forum will disagree with me, and I have given this same advice before, but..

 

Check his phone when he's not there.

 

He's acting super suspicious and I would feel uneasy too. If you find something on his phone and confront him about it, of course he'll be pissed. But what does it matter if he's mad? You'd probably be kicking his ass out anyway.

 

If you find nothing, then don't say anything to him about it.

 

I know a lot of people on this forum are really against snooping, and I understand why, but sometimes it's the only way to get your answer. My ex went through my phone a few times and I never cared because I had nothing to hide.

[camus154]

Isn't it grand that we, as a technological society, have gotten to this point where we are so attached to our lovely devices that our partners now suspect us of cheating because we take them everywhere?

 

Kudos, everyone.

[loveculture]

We don't live together. We have only been dating for 3.5 months. I only see him twice a week and sleep over those nights. I am really nervous to tell him how I find his behavior suspicious because then he will just get better at hiding things if he is hiding something. I don't know if I'll be able to tell the truth from his actions. I tend to doubt what I see. I need proof. I guess I am going to have to snoop

[loveculture]

Isn't it grand that we, as a technological society, have gotten to this point where we are so attached to our lovely devices that our partners now suspect us of cheating because we take them everywhere?

 

Kudos, everyone.

 

Well, for me, it's how he acted when I found him that was strange. It made me feel really uncomfortable.

[loveculture]

I know a lot of people on the forum will disagree with me, and I have given this same advice before, but..

 

Check his phone when he's not there.

 

He's acting super suspicious and I would feel uneasy too. If you find something on his phone and confront him about it, of course he'll be pissed. But what does it matter if he's mad? You'd probably be kicking his ass out anyway.

 

If you find nothing, then don't say anything to him about it.

 

I know a lot of people on this forum are really against snooping, and I understand why, but sometimes it's the only way to get your answer. My ex went through my phone a few times and I never cared because I had nothing to hide.

 

 

I'm beginning to agree unfortunately. BUT the problem is, I never had a chance to check his phone. It's always with him. Especially when he goes to the bathroom. I'll never be able to snoop and even if I try if he forgets his phone one day when going the bathroom, I have no time to snoop before he catches me.

[soybeans]

I think before you decide to snoop you need to talk to him about it. I do agree with you that his behavior is suspicious but snooping needs to be the last resort.

 

The problem with that is once you bring it up to him, he can easily lie. He can lie and either become even more protective of his phone around you and/or start deleting any evidence. It's a tricky situation. So then what are your other options? Decide to trust him despite your concerns? It will begin to eat away at you over time and it is important to talk about anything that bothers you with him for that very reason. I also think his behavior will likely continue if you never say anything to him about it...how can he know it bothers you if you don't bring it up?

 

If you decide to go through his phone, expect nothing but prepare for the worst. My ex was the same way with his phone and even though I had a temptation to look I never could because he ALWAYS had it on him. After talking to him about it he assured me nothing was going on but yeah, it turns out I was being lied to for quite some time and probably still would be to the day if I never looked (several months later). I didn't have the heart to snoop and invade his privacy like that so I chose to trust him and believe him. Looking back, I could have saved myself a lot of hurt if I just went through with it earlier on. Hindsight=20/20. In the end, I'm glad I looked. It was for my own protection because what I found in his email completely destroyed the trust I had for him in our relationship.

 

I'm not saying this is what is going on with your bf, but I wanted to at least share with you my experience.

 

With that being said, f you have the opportunity to look you need to go into it knowing that you may not find anything and if he happens to find out, then the tables will turn on you. Now his trust for you will be tainted and your trust for him? Well, it has already been challenged so chances are it won't go away.

 

Consider what you think is best for your relationship. We can't give you the answer, you know the dynamics of your relationship and you know your feelings best. Just think carefully about it. When I snooped and found something, I reacted instantly and confronted him when I should have taken a step back and calmed down to figure out my next move.

 

Edit: I also want to add that the trust can still be saved if you just talk to him first. You don't have any proof that something is going on and before you do something that could break his trust for YOU, you should at least attempt to talk it out first. I want to reiterate that I believe snooping should be a last resort especially if you do not have much of a reason to do it in the first place.

[loveculture]

Thank you soybeans. Wow, I can't believe that horrible guy assured you when you talked to him about your feelings and then it turned out he had lied to you and was doing in fact what you thought!

 

Here's the thing. What if I talk to him instead of snooping and he decides to offer his phone to me to let me look through it....should I say ok and do it? Or decline? Also, what if he doesn't offer his phone to me? I am thinking of how I would react if my bf said something to me...I know I would offer up my phone to look through it because I'd have nothing to hide and I'd probably do everything to make him feel better and that would be the first thing I could think of.

 

If I do discuss this with him, I honestly think I will tell him what I'm thinking and what I'm thinking is that if I am feeling suspicious and uneasy and WANTING to snoop through his phone, it's a bad sign of where the relationship is going on my end at least and that means I am not growing or trusting in the relationship which means it probably isn't worth it for me to continue. But that sounds like a break up threat which is not the way to handle things ever. I never want to threaten a bf with a break up, it's not healthy.

 

I really can't snoop through his phone because it's always with him so my choice has sort of been made as to whether to snoop or not. If it were possible, I think I would choose to snoop at this point because I know myself and I need proof and evidence.

 

So my option is to say something if it's bothering me or lock it up inside and keep watching him.

 

Can I ask you something about this ex of yours who turned out to be lying to you about his phone behavior?....Was he very public about the two of you? Bringing you around friends, new friends, publicizing relationship status on facebook, putting up a picture of you two? My bf has done these things and his relationship status is public as I have checked. If he is cheating on me, then the girl knows he has a gf. And the only reason I can think for him to publicize us is to make some girl jealous maybe or to keep me from being suspicious perhaps or he's doing it out of guilt.

 

Also, I am nervous that he may have snooped through MY phone because I let him use it for a few hours while I was sleeping because he had lost his phone and kept calling itt. He basically had free reign with my phone. I had two text messages to friends saying that I was feeling upset about my bf not contacting me enough and that I wasn't feeling in a good place and thinking of breaking up with him. He never said a thing about it or seemed strange after having used my phone so I thought maybe he didn't go through my phone. He also didn't really start contacting me a lot more either so I figured he didn't read the texts.

 

But now I'm thinking there is no way he couldn't have decided to go through my texts. I doubt few people could resist the urge when having their lover's phone for a few hours especially since he said he noticed I had an app on my phone which was about 5 pages into my iphone meaning he was scrolling through my apps at least...

[HeartGoesOn]

We don't live together. We have only been dating for 3.5 months. I only see him twice a week and sleep over those nights. I am really nervous to tell him how I find his behavior suspicious because then he will just get better at hiding things if he is hiding something. I don't know if I'll be able to tell the truth from his actions. I tend to doubt what I see. I need proof. I guess I am going to have to snoop

 

I think your concerns are valid, yet feeling the need to snoop at this early stage in the relationship is a huge red flag...IMO. Also, I would ask myself why I'm comfortable enough to be sleeping with him, but I'm not comfortable enough to discuss the lack of trust, which is a vital part of the relationship.

[soybeans]

When I talked to my ex about it, he got defensive and offered to let me see his phone. He offered to give me his FB password and let me go through his emails. What was I supposed to say? I would have felt weird snooping as it was but now with his permission? Seemed unhealthy/dysfunctional for me, so I said no. I do believe he knew I wouldn't have done it anyway so thats why he offered. He had me figured out to a T.

 

So what do you think you would do if he let you go through it? That was my reaction to it, but I was very submissive to my ex as you can see. I never wanted to do him wrong, all I wanted was to trust him and believe him. It's just not a normal thing to do in a relationship...maybe if it was under a different- let's say, innocent- circumstance, but if its because he wants to "prove" something to you, I just wouldn't feel right about it.

 

I do agree that it is a bad sign. It's still early in the relationship. You think these issues are just going to magically fade away? Maybe temporarily. But they will resurface especially because it already seems to developed into a pattern.

 

To answer your question about my ex, yes our relationship was public. I mean, his status on FB was public, his page was littered with our photos, he posted statuses about me, I met every one of his friends and would hang out with them regularly, his sister was one of my best friends, he introduced me to what little family he had. The whole nine yards. Who knows if he was just doing it all for attention or to make someone jealous? Seems really childish to me, therefore I wouldn't put it past my ex, haha. I don't know though. FB is one big attention-seeking website.

 

But heres the thing- you never know who he's talking to, if they're even friends on FB or friends at all...could be some random girl he never even met before or could be someone who knows damn well about you but doesn't care either way. Yes, there are girls like that out there who are catty and do not share in our morals. They have no problem being the "other girl". Just saying.

 

And you know what? It doesn't matter what he thinks about your texts. Like you said you have nothing to hide and it probably shows. If he is in fact talking to other girls, he probably isn't concerned about what you are doing since he has a guilty conscience already. That's just my opinion based on my ex...he knew I didn't want anyone else, it was glaringly obvious I was completely in love with the guy. He, on the other hand, was sneaky and I believe he had other girls lined up for those nights when he "couldn't sleep".

[camus154]

I think, if this is the only thing you have to be worried about, you should file it away as a POTENTIAL flag. A pink flag, if you will. If anything else surfaces, then maybe you can start piecing things together.

 

Until that time, your boyfriend being on the phone in the john or having had the volume on isn't really anything to go on. Life's too short to drive yourself crazy off of so little.

[loveculture]

I am shocked how public and how great he was with showing you off to everyone and his family. Hm, maybe the motive for being so public like that is to keep you off his tracks and not suspicious and to keep you feeling good like you are getting attention and love so you don't suspect he could be cheating.

 

I think if my bf gives me the option to look through his phone if I decide to talk to him about this instance, then I am just going to say ok. Honestly, why waste my time? Might as well check his stuff out if he offers. But I am worried he won't offer and I will see that as being even more suspicious. If we are meant to be, we can work past me looking through the phone even if it causes some problems break of privacy and distrust.

 

I wonder if my bf would get defensive or if he would be sweet about it if I decided to tell him how I'm feeling about his behavior. I think if a guy gets defensive, he is guilty for sure.

 

I think you may be right about him not caring about what I'm up to....perhaps because he is busy doing something naughty. He doesn't seem to be jealous at all. He doesn't seem to care who is talking to me or anything. I have had several guys write on my fb and my boyfriend hasn't asked about them and I don't think he even checks my profile that much. He says he completely trusts me but I'd love to see him get a little jealous or something! It's like he almost doesn't care where I go or with who or what I'm up to. I feel like I could say I'm going to a party with some friends and he wouldn't bat an eyelid. He'd tell me to have fun and not ask who will be there or anything like that which bothers me. I want to ask him who he is going when he goes to places and I want to know what he is up to when he goes out with people but I am afraid to ask for fear of looking jealous and crazy since he doesn't ask me those same questions.

 

I don't think I give my boyfriend the impression that I don't want anyone else. I think I kind of come off sneaky. I can almost feel like I do it on purpose...trying to appear like I may be flirting on the side or something....which is ALSO a bad sign of the relationship if I sometimes try to do that. Although, it could be me doing some sort of insecure thing trying to see if he'll get jealous and suspicious and care. But he hasn't.

 

May I ask you how you found out your ex cheated?

[soybeans]

You kidding me? My ex showed me off every chance he could get. Up until the last weeks we were together, he brought me in to his job and introduced me to each co-worker one a time, holding my hand, being all affectionate and the like. Standing there going back and forth with them about how beautiful I was. I felt like some object. I still do not understand why he did that, it made me feel really uncomfortable. I know he was proud to be with me and that did make me feel good but who knows if it was all purely ego-related. In his case I wouldn't doubt it. He loved taking me out places so he could watch other men look at me and would often bring it to my attention. I hated it.

 

The only way you will find out is if you do it. Talk to him first and see what he says then take it from there. I do agree that getting defensive could mean they are guilty but it really depends. It could just be that they are offended/insulted that you would think such a thing but who knows?

 

I didn't intentionally go out of my way to make my ex jealous but if another guy would post on my wall he would get angry/jealous. Just not to the extent that I would if a girl posted on his...or he would just hide his feelings because he knew what he was doing. He knew he couldn't get mad at me for it. A few times stick out to me where a guy from my past texted me out of the blue and he saw it...he wanted to text him and tell him to leave me alone but he never quite got worked up enough to actually do it. Another time when we went out and a guy was hitting on me at a bar, he got really mad about it but never confronted the guy like he wanted to. As cocky as he was, he was insecure too. Either that, or I wasn't worth fighting for. My bets are on the latter.

 

You trying to make him jealous just means you aren't feeling like he is into you enough. You want him to fight for you, show some kind of feelings like you have...but it isn't there. It's hard to explain but I know how you feel. You just want them to show that they care and only want you, the way you want them.

 

I found out my ex was cheating when I went to check my e-mail on his computer. As soon as I opened his laptop, a dating website was open with an inbox full of flirty messages. The second time was when I purposely snooped through his email. I admit to it. But it was only because I took him back and the trust never got rebuilt.

[loveculture]

My bf shows me off too quite a bit. Then sometimes I feel like he doesn't want to. But most of the time he likes to show me off too and he gets happy when his guy friends say I'm hot. I actually also kind of felt like an object too and sometimes still do.

 

It definitely sounds like your ex's motives were ego related for sure. You were a trophy.

 

If you think about it, someone who doesn't have something to hide, will feel bad that you are feeling that way and be willing to assure you and do what they can to rectify the situation. My bf actually did that in the beginning. I thought I saw him do something considered cheating...it's a long story and the next day I told him about it. He went out of his way to figure out what happened because he didn't remember it happening in order to make sure that I didn't continue being upset and also thinking he cheated. He wasn't angry or defensive about it. He listened to me and absorbed what I was saying.

 

I'm not going out of my way either to make my bf jealous, but I seem to act a little shady with my phone too which is weird! And I've been trying to hang out more with guys for some reason. And I've also been enjoying getting facebook posts from guys on my wall lately (guys who are just friends) but I can't help but feel egotistical when they do and hope my boyfriend sees and gets worried. Which is weird that I feel this way.

 

You hit it on the nose. I definitely don't feel or think he is into me enough. I mean, he doesn't text me enough when we are apart which is most days of the week. He doesn't offer to take me to dinner or something romantic. He usually wants to get me home and get intimate. I definitely want him to fight for me and show he cares like you said. If he doesnt, I may end up leaving him to find someone else who will. I need that jealousy from him to feel some passion in the relationship and to feel like I have worth. He claims that at least 4 girlfriends cheated on him and he claimed their excuse was because he was way too nice. To me, it sounds like a concoction but who knows maybe these girls did say that, but I really wonder if the deep-rooted problems were that h wasn't showing that he cared enough or showing some signs of jealousy and fighting for the girl. Him playing it so cool is making me want to turn to someone else who will give me that attention and passion I'm lacking from him.

[soybeans]

Hah, it's probably just a guy thing. Its natural that he would feel good about his friends' approval of you, it's an ego boost for him. It becomes a problem when they just don't know how to keep it in check, you know? Humility.....something narcissistic exes seem to lack.

 

And if I was such a trophy, why did he do what he did? I was damn good to him. I kill myself trying to figure it out or find the answers for his behavior...

 

My ex did that in the beginning too- when there was a problem he was so quick to try to fix it and actually did a good job at it. I didn't know any better anyway, plus I was falling in love with him so I wanted to ignore any red flags.

 

I just want to be honest here and say that I did the same thing with ex, like I wouldn't say I was acting shady with my phone but I would look for his reaction if I got a text or something. I wanted him to get worried, too...but you know what? He never did. Or at least, not the way I would for him. And it was so damn frustrating. I guess that means I was "playing games", I don't know though. I mean I know it was because I was that way about him and it was because I loved him and wanted him just for me. I didn't want him talking to other girls who I knew were attractive and single...

 

You know what, I admire you for wanting more out of your relationship and being strong enough to say you have no problem going out and finding it. I was stuck. I didn't think I could do better and oddly enough I STILL don't think I can. I know, its totally asinine to think that after the way he treated me. Your bf is trying to make himself into the victim by telling you about his exes cheating on him. Again, my ex did the same. Theres nothing wrong with you wanting your man to put up a fight for you but we both know it isn't exactly healthy to want to try to make them jealous. But I understand where you're coming from because I did it in my own way too because I didn't feel appreciated or wanted enough.

 

I hope you do something about this sooner rather than later. You shouldn't waste your time and effort on someone who may not feel the same way for you as you do for them. It isn't fair, you seem like you have a lot to offer and I worry that your love could be wasted on this guy. I know for me, it totally drained the life out of me in the end. I put so much into that relationship just to get walked all over. I would say, get out while you can, but it is up to you and I don't want to try to persuade you of something when it really depends on your own emotions and instincts.

 

Keep me updated- if you ever want to talk more about it in detail, feel free to PM me.

[Avacel]

I think you may just be paranoid... Many people are attached to their phones. If you have a concern, talk to him about it.

 

On his behalf, I will say that I play a bubble popping game on my phone. I can turn off the sound in the game and the sound will turn back on when I re-enter the game. I think many games do that. It tends to startle me when I forget to turn off the sound and it goes while I am not expecting it, even though I am accustomed to the sound now.

[KellyTeresa]

Ok...I was married to a man for 6 years and didn't find out he was cheating until the last year we were together...and why? Because I didn't think it was right to go through his cell phone that he held onto like a security blanket. When everything wound up coming out...I kicked myself for not snooping sooner. I'm not saying snooping is right but sometimes our partners don't give us much of a choice.