Parents are making up more unfair rules...please help me!!

[JynX]

Last night my parents finally let me go over to my boyfriend's house after over a week of not seeing each other. When I got home, they told me that I'm only allowed to see him once every two weeks. Does that even seem fair? Our two best friends are together and they see each other every single day. Is there something I can possibly say to them to make them lighten up a bit? Do I need to stand my ground on this with them or just let them win? Please help!

 

I'd appreciate any advice you guys have...

 

JyNx

[ayekasong]

I don't know exactly what kind of help I can be, but I'll give it a shot.

 

I know my parents have issues with my sister seeing her boyfriend often, but it is because they don't like him. (she's 19 by the way). Also, my sister spends pretty much every free moment with the guy. From what I understand, this is not the case in your situation. Is it that your parents don't like your bf?

 

Also, are your parents worried that a boyfriend will cut into your studies? If this is the case, prove to them that you can handle a boyfriend and school. Make a deal with them that if your grades fall, you won't see him for a while and devote some time to your studies.

 

I think as long as you are keeping your grades up and not neglecting other things, it is not fair for them to restrict you to once every two weeks. Maybe they are afraid of you growing up or that you will get carried away at your bf's house. I really can't say what I think is going on in their minds because I am not a parent, but maybe someone else can shed some light on this.

 

I hope I helped a little.

[Protex]

I agree with the above poster.

 

Also remember that at the age of 16, your parents cannot confine you to your home, nor tell you who you are allowed to see.

[avman]

Well at age 15 I could see why your parents are concerned. I know their rules seem unfair, but they are trying to protect you. This will take some negotiating on your part to convince them that you are mature enough and responsible enough to get involved more heavily with a boyfriend.

 

I'd suggest asking them if your boyfriend could come over and spend an evening with your family. Then your parents get to know him and can establish some trust. Its a lot easier for parents to feel comfortable if they know the guy and have spent a little time with him. If you can get your parents to like your boyfriend, I'm sure they will let you see him more often.

 

Don't try to compare your situation with your friends. That never works with parents. We have a standard reply to that one - "Well your friend doesn't live here and I'm the boss of this house so you'll have to live by my rules". Does that phrase sound familiar?

 

Hope this helps.

[JynX]

I understand that my parents are trying to protect me, but I think I'm old enough to be trusted. After all, this is my life, not theirs. They got their chance, now its my turn.

 

This new rule of theirs cant be because they dont like my boyfriend. Ironicly, they really do. Even both of them made it perfectly clear that they think he's a very nice young man and they're glad I met him. (wouldn't agree with that right now). My mom's bf told me last night that he trusts him, but he'll never fully trust him. I get that. No parent will ever fully trust a guy, no matter who he is or how old he is.

 

In my previous posts I've mentioned that my parents have issues with me growing up...and since this is my first real boyfriend with whom I actually go out and do things with outside of school, that might be the case. Also, when I first introduced him to them, they said he was too old for me to date. Now, however, that doesnt seem to be the problem anymore. (he's 16 right now, but will turn 17 in february) We're only a year and a half apart...so its not a big deal.

 

I just dont know how to approach this subject with them. It seems they've already laid down their rule. Any ideas?

 

JyNx

[OldGuy]

I feel for you and for your parents. I was once a teenager and I have a daughter who is grown now and I remember both sides of these fights. So, here is a couple of things that might help you and them.

 

First: they know, that you think, they are not being fair. I often had to agree when my daughter said that I was not being fair, because what I was DOING was not fair. So, why do you think that a father would do something that was not fair? The answer is sometimes the thing that is best for someone is not fair to them.

 

The second thing is that your parents are not any happier about this than you are. They really wish they did not have to do this and it might be easier to change their minds than you think.

 

But, you will not change their mind about this by yelling that its not fair. I never changed any rule I made because it was not fair. But there was a way she could get to do almost anything she wanted. But it takes guts and maturity that she could seldom come up with. If you think you have the guts and maturity, come back here and say so and I'll give you some hints.

[JynX]

Thanks for commenting and yes, I'm pretty sure I have the guts to do almost anything. Ask anyone that knows me and they'll say I'm the type who'll try anything once. So I'd really appreciate your hints. Thanks again,

 

JyNx

[OldGuy]

Ok, but remember I said guts and MATURITY.

 

The thing that would always work for my daughter was a mature, rational discussion. And believe me this is much harder that it sounds, even for adults, especially when something as emotionally important as a boyfriend is involved.

 

BTW: this all works best if you are not in the habit of lying to your parents.

 

It sounds to me like you parents don't want you to have this relationship at all and are compromising on the once ever two weeks thing. If you can get them to tell you why without you or them getting mad, then perhaps you can deal with the real issues.

 

The best approach would be to go to whichever parent you have the best relationship with and say. "I think you don't want me to see Johnny at all. That makes me pretty unhappy, can you tell me why." Then listen to the answer, really listen and pay attention. And then don't tell them why they are wrong, say something appropriate, but neutral like "I'm sorry you feel that way." or "thank you for telling me how you feel." or even "I need to think about that." And then go away, wait until you are not mad any more and then think about what they said, REALLY THINK ABOUT IT, try to see their side. Now, you have to do one of two things:

 

If they are wrong, you need to show them that. Parents can be wrong and they hate to be. Sometime just talking calmly about it can convince them. But they are not going to believe it if you tell them "you're wrong". You have to show them by talking about it or doing something about it.

 

If they are right you have to change what is wrong. Sometimes you can't and you will be stuck, but at least you will know what is going on. If you can change things then do so, and things will get better.

 

If you get stuck, come ask and we'll help out. But, until you know what the real issue is its going to be hard to do anything about it, and they won't tell you if you are screaming at them.

 

I will tell you that only once did I ever tell my daughter not to see a boy again. When she asked way I told her: "He treats you like dirt". If that's the answer, you are going to be stuck, because no parent is going to be happy about a relationship where someone is treating their daughter badly.

[drahcir]

Maybe your parents just have a negative impression of your boyfriend, and possibly you could help to change their impression. Talk about him with them. Tell them in everyday conversations how much you like him and how important he is to you. Don't just tell all this in one big fight or rant. Day by day, tell them little bit by little bit all the things that make him great. ANd if you want to see him more, give little reasons now and here on why seeing him more would be beneficial. Or maybe he could come to your house more to see you??? Is that a problem with your parents??????

[JynX]

Drahcir - from what I've heard about my bf coming from my parents, they like him. He used to come over to my house all the time, or atleast pretty much every weekend, up until this new "you can see him once every two weeeks" rule kicked in last night. I really dont see why they'd say that now, if they already like him, our parents are friends, and he and I already spent time together. It didnt seem to bother them then.

 

OldGuY - I'll try what you sugested when the right opportunity comes up...we're supposed to all sit down and talk about "rules" sometime soon anyway, so I'll bring it up then. Thanks! Hopefully things will change a little bit.

 

JyNx

[OldGuy]

Remember a lot depends on you handling it well.

[Turboz]

JyNx,

 

At first I thought this was going to be some 12 yer old posting - then I noticed your age and had to respond.

 

@ 15 your parents still have a legal right to protect you in the way that they see fit. I don't know what the legal age of consent is where you live but here in the UK it's 16. Now I don't know your parents and I have no idea whether they are nice or nasty people - I only have your 'say so' and can only see your side of the coin.

 

Most parents will always be protective of their 15 year old daughters. They don't want the daughter going out late with a boy, having sex, getting pregnant, loosing their education to looking after children etc - it's only natural. On the other side of the fence most parents want their teenage sons to go out and shag every girl he is able to find - Strange huh?

 

The thing is @ your age you have a lot to loose. When I was 15 all I used to think about was sex, where I could get it and how often. All teenage boys do and any that say they never think about it are quite honestly lying through their pearly white little teeth.

 

Now I do see once every 2 weeks as overkill and at 15 I can't see why yourr parents are going on an overkill with this issue. As I mentioned above if you were 11/12 I would understand but @ 15 your only 3 years away from going out clubbing until 3am anyway.

 

I think you need to sit down and try to chat with your parents about this. Find out whats the matter, what they think about the situation, what they think about your boyfriend, and why they are being so harsh in general. Then perhaps you should talk to them about taking things 'slowly' and tell them that you know how to use contraception but that there won't be any need for it anyway - You just want to know your young man (right?).

 

Thats about the best I can advise at the moment without reading the whole topic!

 

Good luck

-Turboz