who to choose?

[SnowQueen]

I've talked to his guy online for several months now and we both have feeling for eachother, but see he lives in another country... Im in US and hes in the UK.. and i dunno what to do... should i keep talking to him or is this pointless? he says he sees it this way.. its either this or nothing at all with you.. and i dunno what to do.. and i know this will seem really bad but i have bf here in the US, we just started going out.. and its not just physical things like hugs and kisses, but u know being able to spend more time and actually go out and have fun, and have someone there for u.. and my emotions are so confused.. see with this guy here i can have what i cant have with the one online.. i dunno what to do, i feel so bad and lost.. i wonder should i stay with this guy online or are we both just having unrealistic dreams, or can it actually lead up to something better later on. but the guy here where in the US i think i could see a future maybe with, hes awsome and so understanding and most importantly he puts up with my crap hehe.. but then i talk to the guy online and he makes me laugh and is just the sweetest goofy guy ever. and i feel sad sometimes when i dont get to talk to him, and i the UK guy and I only talk for liek a couple of hours and thats about it, im so attached to him.. im lost.. please help.. i dunno what to do..

[SteveNaive]

Hello SnowQueen...

 

I don't really know what I should say..I think you are telling a story which is sad and yet, it also has happy bits in there. But still, it's a tough thing to decide between two people you love, isn't it?!

 

From a pragmatic point of view the answer seems clear, doesn't it? Stay with the guy in the U.S. as he is "available" for you. He is around while the guy from UK isn't...

 

Unfortunately things are not always that easy. Your situation is actually abit like the one my ex was in before she dumped me. She had to decide between a guy in the UK and me, who was leaving for Germany. She took the pragmatic approach, although I so would have wished otherwise...

 

The best advice I can give you is probably that you have to try and figure out what (not "who"!) is more important to you. Whether you would like to have someone around who can actually put up with your stuff, as you so nicely stated, someone who can give you physical comfort when you need it, or whether you would like to "stay" with a guy who makes you laugh, but in the end will not be able to be there when you need him...

 

I am not saying that you cannot have a very special relationship with someone through chatting and mailing. I have experienced things like this myself and I think if you find someone you can get along with so well, you really should value that "relationship"... Nevertheless...after all I have seen I started doubting that one really can maintain a "relationship" just via seeing someone online. In the end, being with someone is more than just connecton well, and I think you have already realized that you may need a bit more than just talking...

 

It really is up to you to decide and I think it would be wrong for me to say with whom you should stay. Find out what is more important to you. Apart from that...you are "only" 19, which means that you still have a lot of experiences to come... Try to find out what you feel most comfortable with, what you want. That is the only thing that counts here.

 

Just one more thought...how much of a "relationship" can there be if you can never be near someone, never touch someone, never hear someone breath in your ear, never have someone look in your eyes? Ok, I sound a bit like I am trying to make your decision here which I certainly do not want...just consider it...

 

A friend of mine once said: "Life's ultimate cruelty is to decide between the ones you love..." Hadn't it been my ex I couldn't agree more...lol.

 

Good luck with whatever way you decide!

[jkarias]

I am in the same situation with a girl in the UK. She was with someone else. She left that guy eventually b/c that relationship was very problematic. After she left him, we began a long distance relationship. We visit each other often, and we have been "together" for almost four years. The situation is easier for us because she is a teacher - her summers are free, and she has long vacation periods throughout the year.

 

Long distance relationships here in the US are hard enough to work through, but a relationship with someone in the UK has it's own unique problems (the same applies to someone in the UK, no doubt). Travel issues, phone bills, all of that "realistic" stuff you have to deal with in long distance relationships is multiplied. At some point, one of you would have to leave his/her life and move to another country in order to really make it work. It's tough.

 

The first thing you should do is determine whether the "RL" relationship you have right now is worth keeping. If it is, you really should let the other person go so he can find a normal relationship. Your post indicates that your current RL guy is around to fill the gaps that the dude in the UK cannot (mainly physical). If you find that you can't cope without the physical contact all the time (at least in the early stages of the US/UK relationship), things will become more difficult for you as time passes.

 

Above all, you have to have a clear understanding of what would make your US/UK relationship a success. You would have to be together physically. Recognize that making that move is very difficult when there is a continental divide. The both of you should consider that very carefully before you move forward.

[SnowQueen]

i just said goodbye to the UK guy... man that was hard email... i know im young but still you all know how emotions are so strong, and its so hard to say goodbye... i wish life wasnt this hard.. and things could workout more easier.. i know i will heal with time but right now its so hard trying not to talk to him, i want to tell him so bad how i care for him so much.. and how i dont want him to leave cuz he brights my day. this sucks... i wish i could fix things.. i jsut wish..

[SteveNaive]

Hello SnowQueen...

 

Sorry that this is so hard for you. Sometimes we all have to make a decision which we do not really want to make. I had one of thoose moments too...only last week. And I quite possibly lost a friend for life... So I know how it feels having to take such a big step.

 

However, I just wanted to say, that although things might seem a bit awkward now, they do eventually get better. And just because you don'T want to be "together" with him anymore does not necessarily mean that the two of you will never be able to talk again. I know that staying friends is never easy, and sometimes it does not work out. However, in your case, you two had only been seeing each other online...you might still be able to talk to each other, but as friends.

 

Maybe you should tell him how much you care and how much he brights your day, but make it clear that there is more you need in a relationship than just that...maybe he will understand this...

 

Nevertheless I wish you all the best, and I hope that you will feel a bit better in a short while.

 

Take Care.