Is this a game we've made?

[Phoenix Down]

Hey, this is my first time so go easy on me if I mess this up.

 

My girlfriend and I of 3 years split up about 2 months ago and I played the fool like a fool. But I cought it in time. (I think)

When we first started seeing each other I told her I wasn't ready (I had just got out of a 4 year rlationship) She said she didn't care, she wanted to lick my wounds. So I let her, it was a win win opp, she wanted me and I wasn't alone. After a few months I started to fall for her, but still had thoughts of my ex. Over time my heart turned to her (the new girl). But I think it was starting to be too late.

 

She said she wanted us to be friends and start again with my heart and mind clear. (so I thought yeah right, just a nice way to say good bye) I told her it wasn't a good Idea to see each other with me still feeling the way I did. Holding on to the past messed up our relationship, I dont want to do that to any one again. She then startrd to cry and say how she didn't want me to forget her or push her out of my heart. She thinks if we hang out as friends and slowly dated there might still be a chance for us. But right now she doesn't know what she wants. She said she didn't want to be with anyone and not to think theres someone else.

But at this point I dont know what to think.

 

I told her I'd think it over and see about the friend thing. I still came to the same conclusion, no contact is the only way to have a honest new start. I left her a message this time tho so her tears could not turn my thoughts.

 

She spoke with my brother two days after and said she's angry we cant have any contact, but she's the one who wanted the time apart. The next day I saw her and pulled in to say hi. I told her what my brother told me and proceded to say..."sense where not getting back togather, I don't see any harm in being friends. She said ok. Later on that night she called me back to see if I wanted to hang out. I told her I'd call when I got home. When I called her back she had a bunch of people with her in the backround and said she had to go home and clean her room. So I said "ok, bye" and hung up (nicely). Then about 3 days later she calles (but I dont answer) and leaves a message saying she herd I was moving out of my apt and said to call her and let her know when she could pick up her stuff so I woulden't have to move it. (which consisted of house slippers and a small CD case.) In the message she even said " I dont know what I have over there". So I spoke to big brither and he said she just wanted to see me and I should turn it around on her and take her things to her house when she wasn't there. So I did, I spoke to her mom and let her know I had no hard feelings and that I'll see her around.

 

 

Is this all some sick game we've made? What should I do? Does she still care about me? After playing the fool it feels good to have her call me, but it's always so formal. I'd like to start again but I'm not sure if it's a good Idea being friends or not. Can any one please help me. Every one thinks she still wants me but I dont see it. Why?

Thanks Deja

[idontgetit]

hi there p.d.

 

just to clarify...you were with a rebound for 3 years??? it obviously must have developed into a proper relationship no? or did you have ghosts haunting you? more details about what you didn't get over the first time might help

[shockeddismayed]

This is a really tough one.

 

As I'm sure you can now see, both parties need to be on equal ground when a relationship starts.

 

As i see things, you probably didn't make her feel secure in your love at the beginning b/c you were not fully "in" the relationship. Because of that, she wasn't able to trust your love, and that insecurity likely led to the breakup.

 

It's a shame, but we do these things to each other all the time.

 

I think you both have a point:

 

her: that she wants to keep in contact so that you can start again fresh.

 

you: you want to be apart, I assume so that you can heal from this and the previous relationship.

 

Now I guess the big question is: what do YOU want. Perhaps the best thing for both of you is to simply not be in contact until you figure out what it is you want (and she does the same). She obviously knows that things started on the wrong foot, so perhaps you explaining to her that you want to work on yourself will help her understand that you don't really want contact right now (is that correct?).

 

Afterall, didn't she just say that SHE needs time alone to figure herself out? Tell her you agree, and that you are going to help her enforce that so that she only comes back when you are both ready. Another way to say it is that she needs to come back to the relationship based on her strength, not fall back into it based on her weakness (which she may do if you guys try to be friends before you are ready).

 

The important thing here is not to rush things. Rome isn't built in a day.

[Phoenix Down]

I still had thoughts of another while I started the relationship with the girl I just lost. What gets me is she always wanted me to sit with her and 6 times out of 10 I kept doing what ever it was I was doing. She was better to me then the one I coulden't let go. I was such a fool. I just had some ego trip that she'd never go, so I took her for granted. This time apart has given me time to face these demons. I want an honest true start for her, she deserves it more than anything. (but could it be w/ me?)

she says she doesn't want to be with anyone that means me as well.

Her best friend tells me she talks about me and thinks of me all the time. But when we talk we're not the same. Wh're like strangers.

I understand what I did, But I also understand how hard it might be to

have her see thats not how I wanted it to be. I'm sure she knows But I'm afraid shes high on the fact that I want and miss her now. Now it's her turn to be missed with who ever I'm with. But what she doesn't know is something I've had to change to better myself is to stop holding on to the past. I have to be happy with myself b4 I'm happy with anything else. And now I am, when it could be too late. Something else I 4-got to mention, I write music, and the whole time we we're I never wrote for her,

just the other girl or something else that was bothering me. Now I've got these 3 new songs for her but I dont want to give them to her. It would be like handing her the key to all I have in side. It might just prolong this game. She knows of the songs for her, but should I let her just right in whats in side of me to swim in all the hurt I hide? I fear it would be a sighn of weakness. What do you think?