I feel like Im emotionally drowning

[sonicfan287]

I cant take this anymore...

 

I want to feel better, I want to feel stronger, and I want to be over her but it just doesnt' happen. We havent talked in a few weeks at all, Ive actually stuck to NC but I iknow she has someone else from FB but she doesnt know I know (I dont think anyway). I just cant take this... I blame myself for everything... the way things ended, the fact that she wasnt happy with me... I feel like I was a selfish, insecure and just all around horrible boyfriend. She made me happy but apparently I didnt make her happy despite my best efforts and the fact that Im such a basketcase (as evidenced by how long Ive mourned this and how intense my feelings have been) only pushed her away further. What hurts more is I know we couldve worked out. When we first met, I wasnt like this... i was myself, I was funny, easy to talk to, we got along great. We had things in common, we had a great time together, and Im not just talking about the "honeymoon" period. We'd had rocky times before but as long as I kept my composure, we got past it and still had a great time together. But over time, Ii grew anxious about the relationship ending. Simple things werent fun anymore because Id always freak out, Id tell her Ii wasnt good enough for her... I'd say I wasnt good in bed, I'd say all kinds of things with no way to prove them. I just hated myself and now I do even more. She's gone forever and it's all my fault... I know its unrealistic to say that but thats how I feel when Im at my lowest. Every menial task is a struggle... waking up, eating, taking a shower... going to school. Ii have so many responsibilities and so many people Iim letting down by dwelling on this, all because of one person? It doesnt seem fair to those other people but I cant get out.

 

I feel like Im drowning, and I know there are people there to help me but they cant be around all the time, nor should they have to be. Im 23, I'm an adult, I need to start acting like one. I need to start acting like a normal person. Being emotional is one thing but this is too much... noone's gonna want to be with me like this... it's very unattractive and just not healthy. I dont mean to sound whiny but these are the thoughts I have all day long most days. They circle my head and one feeds off another. I start yelling at myself, saying "where is your pride?! why dont you try harder? if you're really such a good person, why dont you show it?" Because I believe Im better than this. I believe I couldve been a great boyfriend and could still be to someone else... if I just got this out of my head.

 

I tried to commit suicide last month and sometimes the thought still crosses my mind but I won't because I see now how much it hurts those around me. I can't do that to them, even if I want to do it for myself. I dont know if anyone can help me... Im seeing therapists and on meds but its not working. It works some days but other days Im back to this... my ex was right, I am unstable. I never deserved her...

 

The weird thing is I talk like this now but tomorrow I could be perfectly fine, its just that random. Some days I even think Im over her but Im not. I dont know if I ever will be. I dont see how Ill even meet anyone else if I wanted to. Online dating is a dissapointment and in real life, I dont get too many opportunities to interact with others and even if I did, what am I supposed to do, be like "Hi whats up, lets start dating?" thats not gonna work, and I want to find someone Im interested in, but I cant do that bc I dont know anyone that well to make that judgement call.

 

Sorry this is so long, it's just an emotional release... Ii wish you all the best

[Natasha70]

I really feel for you and I know how the feeling can overtake your life. My husband walked out 9 weeks ago which may sound like a long time, but I still have not got over the hurt and pain, and like you I have good and bad days. I have 5 yr old twins with him which makes it worse as he left his kids as well.

You firstly need to start to take baby steps and take everyday one at a time.

You will be surpized how taking positive steps can help you through.

I am trying to focus on the future without him and it can be hard, but once you are strong in yourself you will be able to become positive. Write down all the good things about yourself and you will see that you are a very nice person, and you sound like you have a very loving heart.

Concentrate on your positive and leave the negatives till later.

All the best.

[Coconut Twin]

Slow down....You have too much noise in your head. Time to de-clutter and break everything down.

 

For a start get dating out of your head for now, I don't think you're in the right state of mind for that just yet.

 

It's good that you're attending therapy. Stick to it, changes don't happen over night, they take time so don't give up.

 

It's normal to feel this way, emotions up and down like a yoyo from one day to the next. As long as you understand that it is part of the healing process, you can better deal with it.

 

Avoid social networking sites like FB,they do more harm than good most of the time, if not all the time in these situations.

 

You put yourself down way too much and this is why you have to really work on your self esteem and don't beat yourself up and blame yourself for the break up. After all it takes two to tango right?

 

Understand that it wasn't meant to be, life is like that sometimes but these are crucial lessons in our growth to becoming stronger individuals. Keep up the therapy, try to join meet up groups. There are many out there for people who have low confidence that are free even.

 

Try and focus on something else when thoughts go to your ex. Do you have any hobbies? focus on them, play some music, go for a walk, be resilient and believe that all these feelings you are having now, WILL pass but you have to put the effort in. So get on your bike!

 

You mentioned you thought about suicide - I suggest if you have those feelings reoccur then you call the Samaritans, google them. They operate 24/7 and take calls or emails, they are great.

 

Wish you well.