hurting....

[sydneygirl87]

Everything is starting to sink in now, and i cant help thinking that he is just going to go out and find another girl straight away. I cant stop thinking about him with other girls....it makes me feel physically sick. After a year of telling me he loved me, and making plans for our future, how can someone just walk away and stop caring within a week? Was i really nothing to him? I dont understand....

[FreeFallFeelin]

This is probably the number one question on this forum - "How could they do this..?"

 

The ex usually has had some discontentment for a while before they pull the trigger. During that time they are mulling things over, looking for signs, and they also start to look outward to see if they could "do better". Once they start leaning more toward the breaking up side of things, they're already preparing themselves for the breakup. They will even start to branch out to make new friends, start new hobbies, and generally start keying in on what it might be like to live without having you in their life. By the time they actually pull the trigger, they've pretty much gotten used to the idea and have somewhat of a new life started. As the dumpee, you're at a huge disadvantage because not only is a shock, but you are still mentally and emotionally going down the road towards a future with them. The dumpee has had no chance to prepare and get used to the idea, while still in the comfort and support of the other.

 

Once they leave it's really hard for them to witness the pain they've caused, and also just want to get on with their life. While you're still asking "why?, how?, etc." those questions have all been answered in their mind, and so they tend to be vague and impatient with our hyper detailed analysis. They sort of assume that you knew what they were feeling and thinking. But rest assured, NOBODY walks away and totally forgets about you. Some dumpers will struggle with guilt and second guess their decision for a while, but once the hammer has swung, there's no going back. The vase is broken. It will never hold water again, even if you tried to put it back together.

 

It is the hardest thing in life to have a loved one WALK AWAY from you. But you have to really work on realizing that it's not all about you and what you did or didn't do.

[secondchance67]

Excellent post Free.....right on the money.

 

I was REALLY hung up on "being forgotten" up until about the last week...as I get further out, coming up on 3 months, I gain more clarity...the distance ( complete NC) has made all the difference in the world in my mindset.....the thing about "forgetting" I wonder about now is when I will forget the horrible things she did, forgive her in my heart,and move on...

[pietro5266]

I second what secondchance67 said, FreeFallinFeelin -- absolutely true.

 

sydneygirl87, I know exactly how you're feeling. I'm going through this today, really badly. This is the first day where I've gotten no communications from my ex. She was the dumper, but has continued to communicate with me, in some way, at least once per day since we "broke-up" several weeks ago. Today, nothing. All I could think about was, "she must've met someone", "she's already replaced me", "I'm nothing but a forethought now", and so on. I've been miserable all day.

 

The worst part is that, rationally, I'm glad to be rid of my ex -- she was bad news. And, also, so many of these thoughts are illusions. It's more likely that my ex was inundated with work and taking care of kids today, rather than hearing sweet nothings from someone new. And even if she was, so what? We're done, I'm allowed to do the same thing, and I don't want to get back together, even if she were interested.

 

But none of that matters, does it? You only obsess over how you were REJECTED and ABANDONED, and how you're now alone while they seem to be fine. Which, of course, is what FreeFallinFeelin's post answers.

 

In any case, I completely empathize with you; I'm in the same crappy, sinking boat, so at least you have company. All I have right now is hope, drawn from having survived similar situations before.